She said "Ruff"
Just a little axe dent.
I said, you know, typically people run with all of their legs, not just the niece.
"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
There was a lot of small talk and chit-chat.
I discovered that the Titanic is not a good icebreaker
I might get fired, but it's a whisk i'm willing to take.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
letter ripped.
I’ve lost Ctrl.
So the organizers contacted the elves and started communicating their rights to them.
At first, union outreach seemed to be going well. But then the process ran aground.
The elves delivering the presents had some contact with the outside world, so they understood they were getting a bad deal and wanted to go on strike.
And even the factory elves were sympathetic, because they'd seen their coworkers be punished for getting injured.
But, as one organizer mourned,
"It's the little folks slaving away in the back of the warehouse who don't understand. They're loyal to the big man, because he keeps them so isolated."
All in all, it was a bad case of stock gnome syndrome.
It was suffering from low self esteem, which started as a hatchling as it was considerably smaller than the other chicks. It’s schoolmates were not kind, either. They would point out it’s skinny legs. They would make fun of it for getting scared easily. But most damagingly, and this was no fault of its own (for this chicken lived in the UK at a time when agricultural regulations were of a less than ideal standard), they made fun of his manboobs. For years the chicken wallowed in its own misery, only able to get little morsels of satisfaction by reading jokes on reddit, until one day it decided that it had had enough of the reposts. He would go to the gym, sign up, pay the membership fee, and… work on his pecks.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
He replies, "Arkansas".
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
In short his practice is shrinking.
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
She smiled and said "No"
I said "One day, One day"
... it’s impeckable!
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
A ten foot exhaust pipe fell and cut his head open, requiring 10 stitches. I saw him in HR after he got patched up. Me: "Hey buddy, you ok? You look exhausted." Him: "Nah, I'm not tired at all, ready to go back to work." The joke went right over his head. Twas the second thing to do so that day.
He's making good money being a baker tho...
It was a severe winter, and this particular night was bitterly cold. There was a loud knocking at the door which was opened to find Quasimodo shivering.
He was brought in, fed warm food and given a warm place to sleep. The next morning, at breakfast, Quasimodo very diffidently approached the Archbishop to thank him for sheltering him.
"Your Grace," he added, "please give me some work to do so I can earn my keep. I am very good at bell ringing."
"My son," replied the Archbishop, "that is indeed fortuitous timing, as our campanologist is leaving on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I am wondering, though, with your gnarled hands, if you will not have some difficulty ringing the bells."
"Your Grace, I do not use my hands," Quasimodo explained. "Allow me to demonstrate."
They all went to the belfry, shooed away the bats, and Quasimodo started to ring the bells - with his head.
Everyone was impressed and he got the job. He would ring the bells every day at the appointed time.
For Christmas, he decided to play a symphony as a way to thank everyone. He played so beautifully that everyone was moved to tears.
For the grand finale, he decided to end with a crescendo, so as the last chimes were ringing out on the other nine bells, he drew back to the end of the belfry, ran to the tenth bell and took a flying leap at the bell.
And missed.
He couldn't stop himself, and flew straight out of the belfry to go splat on the pavement below, dead.
People gathered, the gendarmes were summoned, and they started asking if anyone knew who this poor fellow was.
Someone around spoke up, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
(to be continued)
But thankfully it was just like riding a bike!
Yes, I'm Canterburied.
I told him I was being counterproductive
He called and said, “This shit is bananas.”
That really grinds my gears.
Backstory my dad used to "telecommute" back in the mid-late 90's, before it was cool. He comes home from work at his local telecommuting office one day, being the stern serious guy he is, says he was walking through the parking garage and saw an ambulance loading a guy up, blood soaking through the sheet on the cot at the foot, they drive off, and he sees a cooler sitting there, goes over and opens it, it's a severed toe...says "so you know what I did?"...."called a tow truck".
“He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."
"I'll tell you in nine months!"
Dad: What did Tom Petty say at the Pearly Gates?
Me: Oh no, dad, please don't. Too soon..
Dad: He said, "Oh I.. want back down, oh I.. want back down."
Me: *facepalm*
The man was very upset and yelled, “You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.”
The brother thought about it and apologized.
“So how’s Mom?” asked the man.
“She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”
me: "So, you have pianist's envy?"
I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied "Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded." Groans were heard around the world.
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" Whose is it?!
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" We know that already!
"Got an order! Nacho chicken!" So whose is it?!
"Got an order! Nachos!" Of course not! It's the customer's!
As my co-workers gather round, she sobbed loudly "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!"
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
