Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..
.. easier done than said.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I put out a weekly audio show about the history of fish.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting...
...but all the seats were already taken.
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︎ Apr 06 2020
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
Two pet owners got together for a weekly public discussion on the Internet.
They called it their Pawed Cast.
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︎ Apr 28 2019
I was handing the wife a copy of Entertainment Weekly...
..and I said "this is Strange.."
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︎ Oct 15 2016
My son has weekly vocabulary words and a variety of exercises to practice the words
So this week he chose to make cards for each word. He made two cards for each word and made a Memory game out of them.
We are playing memory and I find the word "Joke" on one paper. I look at my son and say "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" and start to rattle the paper in front of him.
Then when I found the matching card, I said "Hey, want to hear the other joke?"
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︎ Jan 14 2015
Shamelessly stolen from mock the week
Look said Harry: "Wittgenstein's having a spliff - the philosopher's stoned!"
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Punchline is different)
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I told my son that the Super Bowl is next week. He said, "Cool! I wanna watch!"
I said, "Why? You're cell phone tells time."
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︎ Sep 04 2020
My boss said to me, "You're the worst train driver I've ever seen. How many have you derailed this week?"
I said, "Honestly sir, I don't know. It's hard for me to keep track."
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︎ Jul 22 2020
First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when Iβm down I go to the mall and use the elevator.
So it can lift me up and make my day better.
I tried to OC.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
A couple of weeks ago my dad was taking us on a camping trip preceeded by a two hour drive, so a minute before we were going to leave the house he sat me and my brother down and told us:
Speak now or forever hold your pee
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︎ Aug 31 2020
This week on Dancing With the Tsars
Ivan was Terrible, Peter & Catherine were Great, and Boris was Godunov.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
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︎ Aug 11 2020
A man goes to the doctor because he has been feeling sick for weeks
The doctor examines him, sprinkles salt and spices on him and just like that, he's cured.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Last week I was on the edge of a cliff, holding on to a box full of shredded cheese. I loved that box, but I knew I had to let it go. I didnβt want to...
But it was for the grater good
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︎ Aug 16 2020
Iβm gutted I couldnβt go to the cheese tasting event this week
I heard it was a really fondue
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︎ Aug 05 2020
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
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︎ Aug 10 2020
What are the strongest days of the week ?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are just weekdays
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︎ Aug 06 2020
For six days of the week, I appreciate oak trees.
The other day? That's a firs day.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
My friends took me to the rodeo last week.
I kinda got roped into it.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
How do you know the work week will get even crazier after Monday and Tuesday?
Because all that's left is WTF.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I watched a TV programme about the House of Lords last week. But I wasnβt really concentrating so Iβm going to have to watch it again.
Thatβll be the Peer review.
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
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︎ Jun 05 2020
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
I've been bench pressing 10 dictionaries everyday for the past 4 weeks.
I've finally got some definition in my arms.
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︎ May 26 2020
What is it called when someone rents a camp from the Boy Scouts for half a week?
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︎ Jun 17 2020
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano?
Doctor: Yes you can.
Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
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︎ Mar 03 2020
With the barber shop finally open after many weeks, there was a huge crowd of people jostling for position to get in...
They really need a hair traffic controller.
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︎ May 18 2020
I got rid of that hair lice I've been having for a couple weeks the other day.
That problem's finally out of my hair.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car...
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly...
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︎ May 25 2020
Havenβt spoke to my wife for the last three weeks
Didnβt want to interrupt.
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︎ May 17 2020
My wife asked me to make my flourless chocolate torte this week, but with a few changes to the recipe.
I guess you could say I dabble in torte reform.
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︎ May 05 2020
My friend was a chair upholstery technician but got the coronavirus. It took him out 2 weeks, but he's finally getting better...
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︎ Apr 14 2020
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
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︎ May 24 2019
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
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︎ Feb 16 2020
Did you hear the news story about the man that was playing video games for 2 weeks straight?
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︎ Mar 06 2020
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we canβt lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, itβs better to be safe than SARS-y
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︎ Apr 17 2020
I've spent the past week learning escapology...
I really need to get out more.
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︎ Apr 01 2020
i need help for a name
I'm making a group chat for my friend that will basically be me sending weekly dad jokes
i need a good name for the group so they know i mean business
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︎ Sep 17 2020
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, βI donβt think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.β
He said, βOh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.β
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︎ Mar 19 2020
The police department made all homicide detectives stay under quarantine for two weeks.
>!They had coroner-virus.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
So I travel around my country at the weekend taking photo graphs last week I was in London it was amazing I could almost say it was a...
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︎ Feb 29 2020
I bought 10 bees in the store last week but when i got home i realised I actually had 11
I guess one was a free-bee
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︎ Apr 02 2020
A few weeks ago I was vacationing, but when I realized how serious the coronavirus was in this place
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︎ Mar 11 2020
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︎ Mar 23 2020
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
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︎ Jul 02 2019
I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the Doctor if Iβd be able to play guitar. He replied βYes, after youβve taken time to healβ
I was ecstatic, Iβve always wanted to know how to play.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
My dad's best joke
"Ain't those lumpy farts the shits?"
This is my favorite joke my dad told me. He passed away 11 years ago. When we were cleaning out his stuff, I found a blank book where he had written a bunch of dumb one-liners and favorite quotes. I photocopied them, cut them apart, and gave my sisters each an envelope full of dad's wisdom. I wish I could have seen their faces when they pulled this one out!
My sister gave me one of his old cowboy hats this week, so I've been wearing it a lot and thinking of him. Hope y'all got a chuckle out of this one.
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︎ Aug 29 2020
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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︎ Nov 14 2019
Africa's days of the week
In Africa, every day is Thirstday.
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︎ Jan 23 2020
What is the coldest day of the week?
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︎ Mar 10 2020
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...
... But now it's growing on me.
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︎ Jan 28 2020
Wife: I haven't seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
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︎ Oct 09 2019
I donβt often tell dad jokes
But when I do, itβs because Iβve seen this damn post 50 million times in the last week, dear god get some creativity, but also, Dad usually laughs.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Six days of the week are dedicated to daughters. Only one day is ...
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Which day of the week is for drinking?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Which day of the week should you not have stood up for?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
My father-in-law (who's last name is Word) after a week of travel: Are you getting sick of the Word "family"?
Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.
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︎ Dec 24 2019
Which day of the week is for preparing battered food?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Which day of the week is for complaining?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
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︎ May 02 2019
Itβs the end of work on Friday, itβs been a long week, and all my bones are just like the capital city of the Holy Roman Empire.
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︎ Feb 14 2020
I recently joined a nudist colony.
The first week was the hardest!
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︎ Aug 24 2020
Which day of the week is for eating?
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︎ Feb 06 2020
Wife: I'm having second thoughts about booking a week long stay at the teepee camp
Me: No, you're just having a reservation reservation reservation
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︎ Nov 01 2019
A goose talking to duck at the local pond. βMy husbands gone away for a few weeks to Africaβ. βOh really.β Says the the Duck βUganda?β...
βNo Iβm a goose. My husband is a ganderβ
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︎ Jan 17 2020
The new Lion King movie dvd release date is only a week away.
A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away.
Wee e e e e e e e e a week away
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︎ Oct 14 2019
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
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︎ Dec 29 2019
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
...
keep reading on reddit β‘
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Two vegans were travelling through a desert...
A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.
A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.
The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.
The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"
"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.
The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."
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︎ Aug 12 2020
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.
It's paid fraternity leave.
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︎ Dec 21 2019
Two female wizards are chatting... the first says to the second, I liked the hat you were wearing last week. The second says...
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︎ Oct 31 2019
I took the Agnetha from ABBA our for dinner once. I bumped into her again last week and asked if she enjoyed it and would she like to go for dinner again. She said...
βThere's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, For a Nandos.β
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︎ Dec 27 2019
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.
The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.
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︎ Oct 26 2019
I got a new job this week as the senior director of Old McDonaldβs farm...
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︎ Sep 04 2018
I just wanted to leave a few dad jokes if that's okay with all dads in this subreddit....
1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory
Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.
- My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.
- The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
- "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.
"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My aunt has been inviting several unmarried female friends over to study the Bible and pray a few times a week.
I told her not to make it a habit.
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︎ Dec 22 2019
True story. Needs your help to decide.
Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.
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︎ Aug 18 2020
The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns...
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
EDIT: Thank you so much for my first award!
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︎ Jun 04 2020
The inventor of auto correct died last week...
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︎ May 05 2019
The doctor diagnosed me with impatience; says I only have 6 weeks
But I canβt wait that long...
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︎ Nov 17 2019
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Judge: "what?"
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting...
...but all the seats were already taken.
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︎ Apr 11 2019
Been looking after the blacksmiths dog this week.
Got home last night and it had made a bolt for the backdoor.
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︎ May 29 2020
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
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︎ Nov 01 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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︎ Nov 04 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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︎ Nov 09 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
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︎ Oct 31 2019
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
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︎ Nov 06 2019
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week
There was no coffin at the funeral
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︎ Dec 07 2019
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