How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?

About rheum temperature

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappybrubs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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A Saudi Arabian captain was warming up his ships engines before heading out on patrol, when the religion police came and arrested him and his crew...

They were charged with "Idle Warship".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry2Laugh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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The reason why the earth is warming up!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I used to hate the electric blanket

But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatostomach
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Dads United

The approval rating of dad jokes in my household has fallen farther and harder than Hans off Nakatomi in my household of late. Not to be a big baby, but it's been really disheartening for me.

We all know our dad jokes can get tiring and annoying; that's part of the point. True masters carefully toe the line between just enough and too much, and to great effect. We do it because we genuinely want to bring joy to those around us with almost child-like mirth.

Not be able to share that with my family lately has been disappointing.

But coming to this sub warms my heart. So thank you to all of you here.

I am very grateful. #obligatoryset-up;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sherwoodsteele
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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β€œWhy is there two cases of Arizona outside?”

We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.

My son asks β€œwhy are there two cases of Arizona outside?”

I said β€œjust trying to warm things up a bit...”

He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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My 9-yo. got me.

Him: I like to start off my showers with cold water. Me: Really? You take cold showers? For how long? Him: Just until the water warms up. Then I get in.

...well done, son. Well done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karateexplosion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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I stopped by a monastery while I was out in Wales for vacation and saw a monk selling chips out front. So I asked him "are you the Friar?"

He slowly looked up at me, smiled warmly and responded "No sir, I am the chip monk."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Why did the stadium get so hot before the game?

because the players were warming up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatRoomate
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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My son said it was getting cold in our house....

I said " Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roach2791
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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I was doing some electrical work for a friend who recently moved into a new place

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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Wife asked if I wanted to be cremated when I die

I'm beginning to warm up to the idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Checksbounce
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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A student in my classroom was complaining about how cold it was the other day...

...so I told her to go stand in the corner to warm up. When she asked why, I told her because it was 90 degrees.

I am a proud math teacher AND dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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A quilt seriously injured himself playing rugby...

...sew he went to the hospital. Since his life was hanging by a thread, the doctors decided that they'd use a blanket method to help him out: stitches. Warms my heart to say that he's all patched up now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/refusalskills
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Dad made this one today while cooking..

While heating up corn dogs in the oven, he cuts off the top to see if the center is warm. He proceeds to say, "Look, its Jewish."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iron__giant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2013
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Power's out where I live so I'm hanging out with the family. Little sister inherited my dad's sense of humor.

She said we should go to the corner to warm upβ€”it's 90 degrees!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedTheTimid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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Uphill, both ways.

We've all heard the old dad joke about how our parents had to walk 20 miles to school, through 8-foot snowdrifts, "uphill, both ways." My Dad used to tell it all the time, but he had a masterful (in my opinion) ending to it.

He would tell the joke as most of us have heard it, and then would say "...and if you dropped your lunch, you were shit out of luck." This never made sense to me until one day I asked him; "Why didn't you just pick it up?"

His reply...."Do you know hard it is to pick a handful of warm oatmeal out of a snowbank!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rebel_Caper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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Got my wife good :-D

A little context. We have 2 dogs... it's warm... they shed... ALOT. My wife picked up her flip flops and they were covered in dog fur. She shook them off and a cloud of fur wafted through the kitchen.

Wife: Ya know what doesn't shed?

Me: What?

Wife: Fish. Fish don't shed. But they don't cuddle either.

Me: You could get a cuttlefish!

Her eyes rolled so far into the back of her head she was looking down

Wife: Okay that one should go on reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emosongs2cut2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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Got the nod of approval from my dad

Got home and walked into the kitchen, something smelt really good. Walked over to the slow cooker and see food in there. Go and find my dad and ask "is it alright if I have some of the food from the slow cooker?" He replies "yes" and on my way out the room he shouts "its chilli by the way!" I walk back into the room with a smug grin and ask "oh, so should I warm it up?" After a second, he clicks and I get the satisfying nod.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keepoccino
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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My brother is well on his way, just dropped this one on me.

As we're watching the warm ups to the world cup he turns and says, "what's the most abundant kind of potato?".

"The commentator!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3rdFloorChair29
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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Warm Clothes... oh! i get it.

So, we are going on a trip and I asked what I should pack...

Her: Warm Clothes Me: But my closet is cold, do I have to warm them up in the dryer before I pack them?

Her, not amused...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moundjesus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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Dadjoked my fiancee while eating leftovers

I was eating some left over casserole from earlier in the week.

>Me: "You want me to warm you up some?"

>Her: "No, I dont trust it. I'm waiting to see if you get sick before I eat it." (she got food poisoning from some bad chicken a few weeks ago)

>Me: "Fair choice, I don't work till monday so I have some time to work through it if it's bad."

>Her: "Yeah, I thought eating it might be a little hairy."

>Me: "There wasnt any hair growing yet, I checked"

>Her: "..."

"The look" she gave me was more satisfying than I expected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/albinobluesheep
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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Dad joked by my little cousin.

My little cousin is obsessed with Star Wars and knows way more than anyone I know; so I got him some Lego Star Wars sets and a dearth vader hoodie. Later that night he came up and says,

"How warm is the temperature inside a ton ton?"

"Uh, I'm not sure dude hot warm?"

"Luke warm..."

I've never been more proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Fourth generation dad joke.

My Grandfather passed it on to my dad who I picked it up from and now my son just looks at me. It works for almost everything.

-Anyone: "geez it's cold outside"

-me: "yeah it's not very warm either"

Or

-"look how small that car is" -"it's not very big either"

"I think that guy is sleeping over there" "Yeah, he's not very awake either"

So yeah, not the best, but it's somthing I constantly do whenever I can think of the opposite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellheythereguys
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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Dad-joked the girlfriend tonight

As we're driving to a friend's party...

Her: I'll never own another vehicle without heated leather seats.
Me: Yeah, I'm warming up to the idea.
Her: ...ugh.

The disgust when she got it made it so much better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReksEffect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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Before every single band concert

Dad: What are the musicians doing? Me: Warming up so they can play their music. Dad: No, it is the ancient Chinese art form of Tu Ning. Get it, Tu Ning, tuning. Me: Facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ickthus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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Answering the whine: "I'm Cold!"

A: (getting out of the tub) "I'm cold!"

I proceed to call him "Cold" as a proper name for the next five minutes while he gets dried off and I clip his fingernails. ("Give me your hand, Cold." "What's so funny, Cold?")

Me: "Okay, Cold, go get on your pajamas."

A: (laughing) "STOP CALLING ME 'COLD.'"

Me: "You know... if you get your pajamas on... and warm up..."

A: "Then I won't be 'Cold' any more."

Me: "Yep."

(Pajamas on)

Me: "A! Where have you been?? I haven't seen you for a while. I thought 'Cold' was going to be here all night!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redbeard25
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2015
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Two eskimos are in a kayak...

My uncle told us this one today...

Two eskimos are in a kayak, paddling along a river. Freezing cold, one eskimo says to the other, "hey, why don't we start a fire here in the middle of the kayak?" so they manage to get a small fire going and start to finally warm up, when the fire creates a hole in the middle of the kayak. The kayak fills with water and they sink to the bottom of the river. Moral of the story? You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

My dad had a hearty laugh at this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skwedgie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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I have an awesome coworker.

We work at the local ice arena where our university plays. Last night, our DIII team played a team from China. We were watching them warm up, and they weren't particularly good. My coworker said "Wow, they still haven't scored (on their own goalie) during warm ups yet". I jokingly reply "Yeah, their goalie must be pretty good." After about 30 seconds of silence he comes back with "I hear they call him the Great Wall"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grocery-Storr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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Burning Man

My dad (a firefighter) was just arriving at Burning Man when Paul Addis had set fire to the man early. I was asleep, and woke up to my dad telling me that he was flattered that we gave him such a warm welcome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarrisGoldstein
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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I was told to post this here. My dad was pleased with me as a son.

My dad asked me if why I hadn't taken my jacket off yet. I told him I was warming up to the idea.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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My dad dropped this last night

OK so a little background. My dad and stepmom recently adopted a chiwawa who had been abused by its previous owners. At first he was extremely skiddish but eventually warmed up and now is a pretty chill, albeit goofy, little guy. My brother was petting him last night and out of no where he gets defensive and turns and bites his leg.

My step mom goes, "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. Hes still funny like that sometimes. Isn't he (my dad)?"

My dad non chalantly replies, "I laugh at him all the time."

Me and my brother were just losing it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeoneBetter
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
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