A Saudi Arabian captain was warming up his ships engines before heading out on patrol, when the religion police came and arrested him and his crew...

They were charged with "Idle Warship".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry2Laugh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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The reason why the earth is warming up!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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A laser and a microwave got into an argument about who was better at warming things up.

I heard it got pretty heated.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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It would seem that even after 30+ years of marriage, my mother is still warming up my Dad's dadjokes

My mother posted this on facebook this morning (has the relevant story of the pun).

http://imgur.com/IhcyhfC

My parents have 4 dogs (I suppose to replace the 4 boys that have up and left for adulthood) but it looks like my dad knows aren't going to sell one of their own up the river.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hillsonn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
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My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising.

Sounds like a stretch to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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My friend keeps insisting that I should always warm up before I start exercising.

I think that’s a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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How warm is the gunk in your eyes after you wake up?

About rheum temperature

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappybrubs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.

I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?

Awaiting a reply with baited breath...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBoBReaper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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Where is a breast after it gets warmed up?

east

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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My wife got an instruction during warm-ups from her at-home workout program to switch feet.

Me: I didn't realize you had more than one pair.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StChas77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I used to hate the electric blanket

But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatostomach
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I’ve always hated washing my hands with hot water

But I’ve started warming up to it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hi-I-may-be-Satan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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Why did the Jedi get injured while running?

Luke warmed up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shouldExist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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Cold showers are the best...

...Once you warm up to them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/romantheperogi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Why did my sister wear a jacket before the game?

She was just warming up.

My dad made this joke, and i loved it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGalaxyMemist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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My wife told me she was sick and was going to take some cold pills

I asked her if she wanted me to warm them up first

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtG68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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β€œWhy is there two cases of Arizona outside?”

We live in the cold state and I didn’t have enough fridge space for a case of Arizona ice tea. So I put it out the sliding door.

My son asks β€œwhy are there two cases of Arizona outside?”

I said β€œjust trying to warm things up a bit...”

He just stared at me for 5 seconds then walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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The wife hated that her birthday gift was a fire pit.

But she slowly started warming up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arunie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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What the piroman who made a little fire said?

I were just getting warmed up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MR_GUY1479
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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Why did the stadium get so hot before the game?

because the players were warming up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatRoomate
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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I got my wife a fire pit for her birthday

She was cold about it at first , but she’s warming up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebewnoved
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I like the warm weather, it keeps me warm.

This was my warm-up joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiguelXavierTD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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You know why I like warm weather? It keeps me warm.

Don't worry, that's just my warm-up joke.

As much as I'd like to claim this as mine, credit goes to a friend of mine for this one.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
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My 9-yo. got me.

Him: I like to start off my showers with cold water. Me: Really? You take cold showers? For how long? Him: Just until the water warms up. Then I get in.

...well done, son. Well done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karateexplosion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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I stopped by a monastery while I was out in Wales for vacation and saw a monk selling chips out front. So I asked him "are you the Friar?"

He slowly looked up at me, smiled warmly and responded "No sir, I am the chip monk."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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I was doing some electrical work for a friend who recently moved into a new place

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?"

"Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.

EDIT: Phones don't format properly.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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My favorite color is green

But I've been warming up to orange lately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xAbednego
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2016
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There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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My son said it was getting cold in our house....

I said " Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roach2791
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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I always get along with people wearing sweaters.

They’re so easy to warm up to.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingkruti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Terminator468
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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Wife asked if I wanted to be cremated when I die

I'm beginning to warm up to the idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Checksbounce
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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It’s getting hot outside

Sorry guys, that was my warm up joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Suhspence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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I took a math book on a survival camping trip to the Arctic

I learned two things, quadratic equations, and warm ups are not what I had thought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotBilroy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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A man is auditioning for a role in an opera production the local opera company is putting on.

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kojo2047
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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So proud

Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said β€œI’m warm.” Son piped up and said β€œI can finally say this - Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nitrogen1138
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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