The Texas Puns

He remembered the alimony.

I said “Hello, do you have any German cars?”

But I think it's OK

It’s called Tex-Mechs.

Howdini

To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

It was hard for the girls to have fun since the steaks were so high.

...the Audi Partner.

What is this Dallas-Fort Worth?

A lone star.

They can call it Texit.

a&m punter kicks a 78 yard punt Me: "man that guy has a huge leg" Dad: "and he can kick far too"

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say ‘I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

It was over 30 years ago and they were both in the army.

Dad: "So, where are you from?"

Mom: "I'm from Maine."

Dad: "I'm from Maine, too!"

Mom: "No way! Which part?"

Dad: "Main part of Texas."

She always jokes that she should have walked away at that moment. :-)

I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”

And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”

I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

Both being from Texas, the MIL wanted something BIG and fancy. And the BTB wanted more of a traditional outdoors gathering. They couldn't even agree on what to serve their guests for dinner. As the date approached, they were barely speaking to each other.

In the end, it was a chili reception.

Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?

Me: No, what happened?

Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.

Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!

Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?

Me: I have no idea.

Dad: Armed Robbery....

(Parents are moving from Missouri to Texas)

Dad: Your mom and I made it down here without a hitch! We're pretty wiped out, so we'll probably unpack the trailer in the morning.

Me: How'd you tow the trailer all the way down there without a hitch?!?!

Dad: Well played..

Wife: (looking in the cabinets for something, then finding it) "Where is...okay."

Me: "Right above Texas." :D

I walk in the living room and the TV shows hail pounding down and covering a yard like snow.

My dad says, "This is in Texas, how could they get so much hail down there?"

"Hail, I don't know," with a southern twang.

We were driving down a Texas road late at night in my Dads' 72 Pontiac Grand Prix when a bug spalts on the windshield. The kind that makes a thud and leaves a two inch puddle of elongated goo. Without turning his attention from the road my Dad asked:

"You know what the last thing was to go through that bugs mind ?"

Suddenly, expecting some philosophical insight my father had into death I quietly asked "What?"

My Dad takes a drag on his Winston, exhales, and still never looking away from the road says: "His ass."

It was about the man in Texas who stole steaks from Walmart, then led police in a car chase and began throwing the steaks out the window. Dad made us all watch the entire segment just so he could tell us, "Looks like it was a steak-out!"

I was at my friend's poker night and we were playing texas hold 'em. On one of the hands the flop was a 3 of spades, a 7 of clubs, and a 2 of hearts.

Nobody really had anything so far and the hand went:

Friend 1 (small blind): "Check"

Friend 2 (big blind): "Check"

Friend 3: "Check"

Friend 4: "Check"

Friend 5: "Check"

Friend 6: "Check"

Me (dealer): We must be in the Czech Republic

When I was little, my family and I (from Texas) went to Toronto for a visit. My mother told me we were going to go to the Eaton Centre. After about an hour there, I got frustrated and yelled "If this is the eatin' centre, when are we gonna eat?!"

We're on a road trip to visit my grandparents, from Texas to Tennesse (10 hours). We stopped in Little Rock for Chickfila. When we get out of the car, it's pretty cold. Dad says, "They should call it Antarkansas". Oh, Dad. :|

My dad and I went hunting with some friends in south texas for opening teal season. As I am putting my waders on, he tell me to remember to tie my boots as tight as I can, "or else they'll fall off in the mud, and that would suck, literally". He couldn't have been more proud of himself.

Later he holds the door as I walk out of the small convince store in the town, and I naturally say "thanks". He replies with "you bet," and I told him "really? Because I'm not much of a gambler..." And he just frowned at me.

me and my stepsister are going to the movies

Stepmom: Text us when you're on your way back.

Dad: Texas?! They're only going to the movies.

groan

Dad was talking to my grandmother over the phone about him going to Texas.

Grandma: Is he going to come back in a ten gallon hat?

Dad: No, he'll come back in an aeroplane.

I go to college in Wisconsin but I am from Texas, and I went to go cash my paycheck today. Cash register lady asks for my ID and says, "The abbreviation for Texas is TX, right?" I say, "Yeah that's correct." She says, "Okay" I respond, "No, that's Oklahoma."

Flew over her head but I got a couple of chuckles out of the dad's behind me in line.

So we're talking about the Renaissance festival (Plantersville, Texas) and the stuff you can buy there since my buddy has never been. I was saying you can buy swords, armor etc and this is how the conversation goes.

Me: Dude you can buy long swords there, mail armor etc.

Chris: So can you buy female armor too?

From a Dallas fundraiser this week: “[Nancy Pelosi] is tough, she is smart, and she has a heart as big as Texas — even though she’s from California,” said Obama, who opened his remarks by saying, “I’m not running for reelection. Not just because of the Constitution but also because of my wife.”

So my grandfather and grandmother just drove to our house from Texas and brought all their necessities for the next few days. As we were unloading their car, my grandma pulls out a bag of cosmetics and medications and joked that it was everything they needed. Instantly, my grandfather said, "Hey, that bag could make you pretty sick."

Damn it, Papa.

Background: My SO and I were at a flea market in LA the other day where there were food trucks scattered about. The one we chose to eat at specialized in grilled cheese (my favorite food). They had a sign saying they would cater special events... I asked how far of a radius they would travel. Cheese Griller: We actually have a few trucks between here and Texas. Me: None in North Carolina? Cheese Griller: Nope. Me: Well... are you looking for any francheesors?

SO immediately disowned me and walked away.

My dad, my brother and I were talking the other night and we decide to talk about who came from Texas.

Brother: "Oh, I thought that George Bush was from Texas. Turns out he was born in Connecticut."

Me: "Which one?" (asking which George Bush it was)

My dad: "You idiot, there's only one Connecticut"

It was the middle of the day during Texas summer and my dad pointed at a stick of a tree and asked, "So, is that a Slim Shady?"

My sister is on a road trip from Utah to Texas. She has been periodically updating us with her location.

Sister 1: Raton, New Mexico
Dad: That's a big rat.
Sister 1: Dalhart, Texas
Dad: Woohoo... How's it going?
Sister 1: Great. Everything is flat and smells like cows, but I don't see any cows.
Dad: Those are the iBoTs (invisible Bovines of Texas), they wander around making methane and distributing it free of charge. And the landscape is that way because of the flat-ulence.
Sister 2: Oh my gosh dad stop
Me: He can't. There is an honor code among dads. We must joke whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's our respunsibility.
Dad: I'm so proud.
Me: Hi so proud, I'm dad.

We were traveling to Austin, Texas to watch the first rounds of the NCAA tournament. We had the opportunity to take a tour of the UT campus while there. As we were walking through their athletics facility my friend says, "All of this orange is rather "Austin"tatious".

Just as we were crossing the border, I look over and see a train crossing the border at the same time as us.

Me: "So if a train is leaving Texas and entering New Mexico, what state is it in?"

Dad: "A state of confusion."