The Table (restaurant) Puns

"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "

One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."

"Pastapizza", he says to the waiter.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

Without fail, no matter how much we owe, my dad looks at it and says, "Holy smokes, did somebody get a room?"

But it puts food on the table.

it would be called the Veg Table.

Any time a restaurant server asks me "how did you find your meal?", I reply, "I looked on the table and there it was."

My Wife hates me.

The waiter walks over and asks for the order.

The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."

"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."

"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."

I said YES. And she said "Cool' and took the chair to her table for her boyfriend.

The waiter goes: That's not my table.

At the vege-table

As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.

He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.

“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.

Sometimes there is no punch line.

Me: "I bring a lot to the table."

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.

A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.

"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"

"No.", she replied....

"but you just happened to catch my eye."

Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"

Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"

Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

So I was at work at the cafe the other day, and a family came in. It was pretty quiet so they got to choose where to sit. I said "Just take any table you'd like" At this point the dad starts pretending to lift a table. He turns to his son and says "Do you reckon this'll fit in the car."

edit: typos

He came out and said: "That sign in there is wrong."

Me: "Which one?"

Dad: "It says 'Employees must wash hands'."

Me: "... How is that wrong?"

Dad: "I waited for 10 minutes and an employee never came to wash my hands!"

Everyone at the table just buried their faces in their hands....

When I was at a restaurant I was rubbing my eye because it itched. I went to go wash it in the restroom at the place and when I came back, a person at my table said “Your eye is really red!” So then I said “Hey! You don’t need to RUB IT IN.”

The Waiter

He just brings so much to the table

After our mains, the waitress came over to our table. She said, 'Are you guys done?'

I said, 'Only if she doesn't pay the bill.'

Could I please have the table in the corner? I asked the waiter.

He said Yes.

I said Thanks, I might need your help carrying it to my car.

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

The Manger can up to the table and said "How did everything come out today?" The dad said "I Don't know ask me in a few hours"

We're getting seated outdoors. It's hot and in AZ so there are misters (mist sprayers) everywhere.

Waitress: I can put you at a table under one of the misters...
Dad: Do you have one under a Mrs?

she didn't even chuckle...

After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.

After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".

The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.

My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."

So, my table was ordering their drinks and the father of the table ordered by saying, "I'll have a coffee and a water. Black please." I responded, "we don't have black water here, sir." I am still ashamed.

"A room? Heck we have a whole house"

The dad at the table behind him lost it

And there was a small band walking around and playing music for tables. After they finished playing a song near our table my dad asks them, "Do you know how to play Far Far Away?" they said no, sorry, so my dad says "Oh, well its way over there." and points to the opposite side of the restaurant.

Deborah Owen brings years of catering experience to the table, and Mark made his dough from a former pizzeria.

At job interview at restaurant there were three aplicants a man, a women and Bob. The interviewer asked the man,

"Why do you deserve this position"

The man replied "I have worked at three 5 star restayrants and have been in this field for 8 years"

The interviewer asked the same question to the women and she replied "I have been working in this field for 15 years and have managed many famous restaurants around the world"

It was finally Bob's turn and the interviewer asked him the same question,

"Why do you deserve this position"

Bob said "You could say i bring a lot to the table"

Whenever the waitress will come back after he's had some of his beer, he'll wait for her to ask if we are alright at our table.

Every time my Dad will point to his half drank beer and say "I have one issue, when you gave me my beer it was only this full."

He'll always get a laugh, and sometimes his beer will get topped off.

My husband is the punniest person in the world, a sample of his humor:

I was eating in a Middle Eastern restaurant when I heard a loud noise, "kabob, kabob", I falafel my chair, there was a double hummus side at the next table. I didn't try to be a gyro, then a shawarma police rushed in.

I went out with a buddy to a restaurant / sandwich shop where you order your meal, they give you a plastic card with a number on it that you place at your table and then they will bring the food out to you.

Waitress walks up and places the sandwiches on the table.

W: "Enjoy your meal, can I have your number?"

Me: ..points at left hand "Sorry, but I'm married"

She gave a fake smile and I gave her the plastic number card, me and my buddy laughed for a few.

After dinner the owner of the restaurant at which we were eating came up to the table and asked how we found the service. My dad didn't hesitate before answering "I dunno, they just kinda came up to the table" with the doofiest smile on his face. Gotta love him.

A Dad At Nearby Table: What is the difference between Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb?

(Silence)

Dad: A PhD!

/Good enough for popsicle sticks

At a local indian food buffet. We've been there a few times, but today the food is a little better. I compliment the food to the waiter and he tells me they're trying new things and aside from a few main dishes, every day will be different. He's really pushing us to come back the next day because the next day will feature lots of goat dishes. As soon as he leaves, i tell everyone.

"You know what really gets my goat? A guy who wants me to get his goat."

BONUS: They were out of bread and when I asked why I didn't bring anyback to the table, I said there was NAAN.

Setting: At a restaurant with my newly adopted brother and my parents.

The server comes to the table and gets our drink orders, introduces herself, etc. After she walks away the following conversation ensues.

Brother: Did she say her name is Shinomy?

Dad: Shinomy?

Brother: She don't know you!

And by everytime, I mean EVERYTIME!

When someone walks past the table, or starts a conversation, or anything really.. My Dad always says "Here this is for you hands the bill to the person" He then laughs like it's the first time he's ever said it while myself and my family just sit there shaking our heads.

He does a few different versions of the joke. It all depends on situation.. For example, if we don't have our bill yet he will say "This is on you, right? hahahaha"

He's even done it to our waiters and waitresses. It's embarrassing.

I returned to my table from the restroom, and dad can't help himself. He says, "I hope everything came out OK."

This guy.

... I think I am going to order the whale for main dish.

-But is the table long enough?

At one of those places where they put the brown paper on the tables that you can draw on with crayons. Hostess leads us to our table and writes "6:32" on the table to show when we arrived.

Dad: "6:32, what a strange name. What ethnicity is that?"

One of us as managers usually go by any table celebrating a special occasion to recognize them for that. In this case a couple celebrating the impending birth of their twins. He thanked them for coming in, then hit her with this one.

Have a good labor day.

For those not in the US, labor day is the holiday coming up in two days.

...and it had a full bar. My table ordered a Mojito. I rung it up, bartender made it, and I gave it to the table. They didn't like it, said something was off (bartender got recipe wrong). I took it back to the bartender and said, can you remake this, they want Mojito not Lesshito!! God I hope I become a dad some day.

Well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.