This sign at the Urologist actually took some stress away for my Vascetomy consult after a heartly chuckle.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nnudmac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
With all the stress eating I've been doing during quarantine...

I have been fattening the curve rather than flattening it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thiby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do fish stress about the most?

Current events.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahlte
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...

It probably puts a strain on the staff.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
So a council meeting involving a large sum of employees were under major stress on what to call their restaurant. The team leader was furiously dissatisfied and screamed:
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Keyhan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The Covid19 situation has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear social distancing measures will push someone over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 293
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MissMoops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the camping trip so stressful?

Because it was in tents...

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/plandoubt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a stressful session at the nail salon called?

A panicure

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aceto1469
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a stressed and an unstressed syllable?

Vacation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A darker one my 10 year old dropped on me... (possibly triggering)

She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.

Hey Dad, you ok?

Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.

"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."

πŸ‘︎ 328
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rogalporn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the clam got too stressed out?

He got clammy hands

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameispounds
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DesertWolf45
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that being an omelette chef at a ski resort is one of the most stressful jobs in the world?

Everyone has such high eggspectations

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the chef stressed out?

He was running out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheManWithNoClue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why were the cooks so stressed about finishing their dish?

They were running out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyctophobiac19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I bet when Japanese chefs get stressed in the kitchen about not having enough pots and pans...

They just go for a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the stressed out alcoholic last night?

He was in a pour mood

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: Did you know that you keep reciting the vowels under your breath whenever you are stressed?

Me: Sometimes. Why?

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"

She smiled and said "No"

I said "One day, One day"

πŸ‘︎ 275
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the stressed out guy call the electrician when his therapist was booked?

He needed an outlet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue8844
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the computer stressed out?

Because it had a hard drive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kcl086
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say when the stressful winter finished?

I'm re-leaved!

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the stressed out cucumber say

Man, I’m really in a pickle here

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wowthatscrazymann
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I can't wait for Christmas this December, but the 31st will be stressful.

I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cdos93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I was on holiday in a picturesque rural lake area, got stressed at the lack of 4G and 3G signal though.

I was on EDGE there.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YorkshireRiffer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Why was the Italian chef so stressed?

Because his job was in pasta bowl

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trappedcouchfarts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the Chinese guy always stressed out?

He had a Taipei personality.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grnxnhm
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
To the bullied people out there

You are YOU, and nobody on this planet can change that other than yourself. So don’t let people get to you. (I say this because I get slightly bullied and also I’m sensitive to what people think of me, but after telling myself this I no longer feel the need to stress about people’s thoughts about me)

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThomasTheDank69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me he had to go to the vet.

I was 14 or something I just got off of school so I'm sitting on the couch as per usual and my dad walks in looking stressed the fuck out. "Hey, I think I gotta go to the vet..." I start slightly panicking but I'm curious so I ask, "why?" He proceeds to give me direct eye contact, flex his muscles and say, "CAUSE THESE PUPPIES ARE SICK!!!" then walks out of the room, proud as can fucking be.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BortyBoy
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Trying to wake my son up a little early...

We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.

I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"

He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.

** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tigertunderboom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
🚨︎ report
My first dad joke as a father!

My first son was recently born 5.5 weeks early (he's doing great!)

As such, we hadn't set up a crib or nursery room yet in our apartment. Sitting around with my wife and aunt last night talking about how stressed we were bringing a new baby home to an apartment where we had no place to put him inspired the following exchange.

Wife: "It was kind of like the baby Jesus...no room at the inn kind of situation." Me: "Yeah, we ended up having to have him spend the night with our goat."

(Pause)

Me again: "I felt really bad for the kid. And our son too."

πŸ‘︎ 203
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camram07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Got the girlfriend while cuddling

Cuddling on the couch in an embrace I grabbed her boob and started to nod off. She noticed and said: Every time you grab my boob you calm down. You're like a baby. To which I replied: It's the breast stress relief....

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ISiupick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I am become Dad, maker of jokes.

Talking to a friend of mine who is at a marching band competition for her little brother.

>Me: Did you guys make it to the next round?

>Her: We find out in about an hour.

>Me: Yikes, that's stressful.

>Her: Yeah, and we have no idea where we stand.

>Me: Hopefully, on the field.

You're all invited to the baby shower.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YouGotAte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife was telling me about how her meeting went.

She told me that all the management voiced their complaints and worries about a returning manager. And that the vibe was stressful and intense.

I stopped her and said "Wait, why wasn't your meeting held inside a building?"

Eyes rolled, deep sigh had. Felt really good.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grangry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
🚨︎ report
So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unknown_name
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
🚨︎ report
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say when the stressful winter finished?

I'm re-leaved.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
🚨︎ report
A man goes in to see the doctor.

He says, β€œDoctor, you have to help. The stress is getting to me. I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam.”

The doctor interrupts him and says, β€œRelax man, you’re two tents.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.