The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

👍︎ 106
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📅︎ Dec 12 2020
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Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

The Opportunist.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Dec 14 2020
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A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

👍︎ 8k
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📅︎ Jun 07 2019
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My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.

He said, “It must be drawn to scale.”

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📅︎ Sep 28 2018
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I was talking to a man with the most realistic glass eye today...

I didn't even real-eyes.

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📅︎ Sep 09 2019
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I finally figured out the secret to painting realistic pictures of fish.

You must draw them to scale.

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📅︎ Sep 13 2019
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They finally did it! A realistic picture of the innernet:

https://imgur.com/gallery/m3baa

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👤︎ u/theatahhh
📅︎ Sep 19 2017
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What's the most realistic part of an origami car?

It has manifolds.

👍︎ 2
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👤︎ u/boetzie
📅︎ Jan 16 2017
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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👤︎ u/Punsville
📅︎ May 28 2017
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Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

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👤︎ u/kickypie
📅︎ Jun 06 2019
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I hope this counts.. first time posting.

Wife has been propositioning having a kid and I tapped into the dadness within.

Wife: I want a kid!

Me: you're in luck I happen to be at walmart

Wife: wut?

Me: well there is a very realistic toy that will cost me about 30 bucks... but there's a kid playing with it and I could snag her for about 20 years.

Wife: ugh...

👍︎ 3
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📅︎ Feb 15 2019
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My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

👍︎ 44
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📅︎ Jun 29 2020
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A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

👍︎ 6
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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