The Politic Puns

But now I dont know my left from my right

Poli is a Greek word meaning many, and tics are small, bloodsucking insects.

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

He wanted change

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

Home made pizza night at my parents place. Dad points to a bag of pre-grated mozzarella cheese and says "I hear Trump wants to ban that stuff", "What?", "He says he wants to make America grate again"

He was Burak rat.

It's called Pence-a-cola.

Labralism

Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.

I'm passive progressive

They sometimes get elected.

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

A please-iosaur

...but it was leaning too far right!

Be sure to say, "Thanks, a latte!"

"Jenny"

Construction is necessary to keep our roads maintained. Please take your "End Construction" campaign signs down.

They're so polarized.

Por flavor

"Excusez mon français!"

It's two gross

The worst-case Bolscenario.

It’s nice to meat you!

Apparently, 'legs up on the sofa' wasn't the answer she was looking for.

He was trying to cross the street during a marathon. He died because he couldn't see race

They were Concord.

...and that’s why the management at Williams Sonoma sternly but politely asked me to leave and never return.

... but the news tells me that the Duchess of Cambridge is in Labour.

yllaer

Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.

Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.

I thought to myself at last a decent punchline

We have an assignment to create a political party. My party is A.S.S. I need a slogan that fits the name, and is funny. The best one I could come up with is:

"Act now, Ass questions later"

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

I said that's model behavior

A while ago, there were some friars who needed to raise money, so they opened up a flower shop. Across the street, there was another flower shop that had already been open for a few years. Afraid of competition, the owner politely asked the friars to sell something else in heir shop. They refused. People liked the new flower shop better, so the first shop’s profits started dropping. Concerned that he might go out of business, the owner of the first shop asked the friars to close their shop. They refused. Some time passed, and the first shop was on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, the owner begged the friars to close their shop. They refused again. Then, the owner of the first shop used the last of his money to hire a hit man named Hugh Williams to beat up the friars and trash their shop. He did, and when he was done, he told the friars he’d be back if they didn’t close down. Scared for their lives, the friars agreed, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

Trump-Pence are on the ticket

But I'm polite, I only look at the covered parts

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

You know the drill. AK47s, skimasks, the works. Anyway, they tell everybody to lie down on the floor. All the people in the bank hits the floor but this old man. He is still standing. So, the robbers tells him, not very politely i might add, to lie down on the floor.
Old man: "Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm CIA"
Robbers: "We don't give a shit, get on the floor NOW!"
Old man: "Nope. I'm CIA."
Old mans wife: "Walt, for Gods sake. You're not CIA, you're senile!"

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : “May I ask what the turkey did?”

I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke

Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄

Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲

Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.

Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓

Me: Oooof

Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there

Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?

Him: I wooden know about that

I replied, “Because it’s the polite thing to do.”

There was a tense silence in the car for the next few miles.

lecture about US political culture

Prof: You guys like magic

Class: Yeah!

Prof: Okay I need a volunteer

I raised my hand so he picked me

Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle

I do

Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me

i fold it then hand it to him

Prof: You can still see the wings right? okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up

he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand

Prof: now say wing 3 times

Me: Wing wing wing

prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear

Prof: Hello?? This is Professor Frank, who is this?

The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD

When women wear bikinis they expose 90% of their body I'm polite I only look at the covered parts

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

And this is how the conversation went,

Her: "I really like to discuss politics, I wish you did too."

Me: "I do like to discuss them. I just don't like arguing like you do."

Her: "I don't like to argue, I like debate."

Me: "Yeah, well, so do fish."

We both sensibly chuckled.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!

Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".

I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.

The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."

The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.

The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

My dad picked me up from school for spring break. We were talking about politics and such, and when the conversation died a bit, I hopped on my phone. He asked what I was doing, and I said browsing Reddit. He responded:

Why are you on Reddit if you already read it?

Buffet The Vampire Slayer.

(Made it up at work today and got a polite chuckle.)

Doctor:"I've finished the diagnosis, you have ten to live" Patient:"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?" Doctor:"Nine"

At the boomerang shop:"I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell how to throw the old one away"

Two elephants see a totally naked guy. After sometime one says to the another:"I don't get it, how does he feed himself with that?"

Patient:"Oh doctor, I'm so nervous, this is my first operation" Doctor:"don't worry, mine too"

A naked women robbed a bank, nobody could remember her face

A women in bikini shows almost 90% of her body, yet men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?" Grandpa:"so that all of you can be really sad when you die"

Dentist:"this is gonna hurt a bit" Patient:"OK" Dentist:"I've been having an affair with your wife"

Men 1845: I just killed a Buffalo Men 1952: I just fixed the roof Men 2018: I just shaved my legs

A women caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking his stomach. "That won't help you ,joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot" says the man"it's the only way I can see the numbers"

"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" "We can hear it better if he falls out"

We were out for dinner with a few friends, and one named Griffin. As we walked up to the entrance of the restaurant, one of the staff greeted us and opened the door for us. Griffin was turned around, telling us some hilarious story, so he didn't see this. As such, I said what any polite person would say under the circumstances: "Griffin, Door."

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Me: What do you mean the ocean's being polite?
Dad: It keeps waving at us
Me: ugh

The politically correct term is Methican Americans.

Sorry if it's been posted before, my dad actually told me this one a few nights ago and I had to post it.

I came up with this joke when I was probably about 6 years old, and thought it would fit in here. I can still recall the day I came up with it. I was at school, and I remember being super incredibly proud of myself, 100% certain that everybody was going to lose their shit when they heard the joke. That night I told it to my family. They barely reacted at all. I think my mom gave a polite chuckle, and my sister just walked off. I was devastated.

Anyway, here's the joke:

• What did the father say to his son?

• You've got to be KIDDING me!

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

I'm in the back seat of my dad's car, as we're driving down a rather busy street of a populated city. My dad taps me on the shoulder and gestures out the window with an air of disgust.

Dad: "I can't believe all the political advertising they have out here."

I look around for quite some time, expecting to spot a house covered with election signs or political party banners. All that I see are a series of pylons with road signs intermittently placed in between them.

The signs say: "Keep left."

My dad snickers with pride and drives off.

So in class the professor says how much he enjoyed visiting Nice, France (pronounced Niece).

I respond with, "Sure Niece is nice, but I hear their ant (aunt) problem is so bad they're about to cry uncle!"

This was followed by polite chuckling from the class, but gut busting laughter from the professor and I.

I got my car inspected and the exchange when I went to pay was as follows:

Her: "That will be a $30 bill"

Me: "Hmmm, I don't think I have a 30 on me"

Her: polite laughter

My mom, my grandfather, and I were walking about how powerful the Clinton political structure is, and how she was the Secretary of State for a few years.

Then, my grandfather pipes up and says: "Don't you mean she was the Secretary of Mistake?"

-_-

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

• A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

• When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

• A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

• A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

• A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

• A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

• A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

• A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

• An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

• A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

• A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with "you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach."

To which I replied, "Can't. That would be cannibalism."

Took her a second. Then a guffaw.

I was putting my daughter in the car, which was temporarily preventing a lady from entering hers. She smiled and told me not to hurry; that she was patient. I said to her, "Well this is 'patient' parking...

She politely laughed and my wife gave me a healthy eye roll once in the car.

Priest: Did you know that the 13th letter of the Greek Alphabet is "nu"

Pause

Priest: So next time someone asks you "Whats new?" Just tell them "Its the thirteenth letter of the Greek Alphabet!"

groans and polite laughter

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

A former inmate was signing books at Alcatraz today. He was an inmate there for 15 years. It was later in the day, so I tried to make polite conversation. I asked, "have you been here long?"

He didn't answer...

I recently took a new job and took a walk with a couple of coworkers this morning. To get to know me, one of the guys asked my if I'm single, to which I responded, "No, I'm engaged" He followed up my answer with, "Do you have a date?" So I politely said, "No sir, she prefers that I don't date around"

I felt wittty

Sorry son, but this is only the beginning...

while talking to my 7 yr old son i tell him of the complications of war and politics during dinner one evening. My son says to me, "Dad that doesn't make any sense..." to which i replied, " son, that's b/c im not at work..."

he always replies, "NOT THAT KIND OF CENTS!!"

Around 7 weeks ago I broke my metatarsal in my right foot, since then I've had people politely asking how my foot is every time they see me. So my response every time has been 'It's fine thanks and getting better, the right one's not so good though.

I started my internship today at an environmental consulting firm. My boss was introducing me to a colleague.

Boss: "This is Ellie-okay, he's the summer intern and he's studying civil engineering."

Colleague: "I can tell, he's very polite."

All the guys around his cubicle groaned while the three of us let out a big laugh. I think I'm gonna like working here.

While I was at work an elderly couple was dining and the wife asked for a straw. When I brought two for the table her husband politely declined and then looked me dead in the eyes and said "that's the last straw"

I clapped as he chuckled and his wife groaned

A couple years ago, I was walking with my dad and we noticed there were a lot of midgets/dwarves/little people (I don't know which is politically correct) walking in the same direction. Not three feet in front of us, there is a midget couple walking in front and my dad turns to me and "whispers":

I wonder what they wanna be when they grow up.

It was Concord.

plesiosaur