The Pas Puns

Grand Pa: What does Mr. Potato Head and Cuba have in common?

Me:expecting the worstWhat's that.....

Grand Pa: They both have a dictator.

He HEARD an AMBER alert!!

I told my wife I had heard bad things about that place. We should avoid it.

She asked, "Bad things? Like what?"

I responded, "The place supposedly stinks to high heavens!"

She was confused. "It stinks?"

I said, "Yes! They say it smells like Derry air!"

....

Her: the snow is really high here

Me: you should see if they can hook you up with their dealer

I think i did it right cuz she thought i sent the text to the wrong person

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

But I always hearing the commentators saying "He needs to make this faux pas"

The ones with faux pas.

¿Qué dijo la gallina de un lado del camino a la gallina del otro lado del camino?

“¡PA’CA! ¡PA’CA!”

English:

What did the chicken on one side of the road say to the chicken on the other side of the road?

“Over here! Over here!”

(“Pa’ca” means “over here” in colloquial Spanish)

(I’m of Cuban descent for reference)

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m here for the man who shot my pa(w).”

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

My GF said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti should of seen the face when I drove pasta (pas-tA)

Just happened on my walk break.

I was taking a stroll downtown and walked by the county courthouse building. I noticed there was an employee (had a county badge) standing outside on the sidewalk and holding a wall clock. I knew what I had to do. I walked up and asked, "Do you happen to have the time?"

One of my proudest moments, although I'm a faux-pa myself. He enjoyed it too.

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

What did the French cat say when I tried to touch his feet?

>!"Ne touche pas!"!<

My grandfather or Pa, as I called him gave my an absolute gem.

He was actually my step mother's dad and we already called my other grandfather Papa, so we called him 'Pa Ulb' - Ulb being his surname.

He was an incredible artist and would paint awesome things for us or on our bedroom walls. I remember he painted me a massive Star Wars piece on one of my walls when Episode 1 came out. I was only about about 6 at the time and remember being scared of Darth Maul. From this we used to joke around that Darth Maul would come and get me if I did anything wrong. Sort of like a police officer watching my every move, to ensure I behaved.

This carried on as a joke until he died 2 years ago, when I had done something wrong he said he'd call the police and get Maul to take me away. When he did die he had just finished an incredible painting of Darth Maul as a police officer. It was amazing! My parents could make sense of it and weren't sure if it was him that had painted it, so they flipped it over because he used to always write Pa Ulb Art and the title of the painting.

Surely enough on the back it said Pa ulb Art - Maul Cop.

and we were loading the food into my car.

Me: "I'm gonna take out one of the sandwiches for the car."

Pa: "If you're hungry you should probably take one out for yourself too."

Love you, pa.

Saying goodbye to my friend I haven't seen in a long time who is now a PA in urology:

Him: If you need any Viagra just let me know!

Me: That's not a problem...yet. Not gone wood! (Sounds like "Knock on wood" when you say it)

We were laughing and hating me at the same time.

walks I to a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the no good scoundrel who shot my pa!"

Puns are my thing at Disney, and when the ride would stop working, I would say over the PA system "I'm sorry everybody, but our ride is Frozen at the moment. I know it's a bit of a fixer upper, but Elsa's giving us the cold shoulder right now, she's really freezing us out. (Or Olaf lost his cool and is having a melt down) Once we can have true love thaw out a Frozen ride, well be back up and running!

...when one of our friends spills her dish all over the table.

"That's quite the pho pas," I said.

Nobody at my table enjoys /r/dadjokes.

There was a boy who was the first in his family to go down the mountain to high school. After the first day, his pappy asked him what he learned. B - Well, pa, there's this subject called mathematics. D - OK, say something in mathematics for me. B - Pi r square! D - You won't be going back to high school no more. Everybody knows pie are round. Cobbler are square.

My dad walked into the room when my mom and I were watching the finale of a show and i kept yelling pause for her to pause it.

My dad said Pas? There's no Pas, theres just one Pa!

Took me a few seconds, it was the peak of his dad jokes though

My dad is a PA and I was following him through some rounds. He had to do a rectal exam and the second we got out of the exam room he said "I really prefer the digital version of a rectal exam compared to analog"

Frank's mother is sick in the hospital. When Michael says to Uncle Pa Keating, "she's got pneumonia." Uncle Pa replied, "well now that's better than oldmonia"

At the grocery store guy gets on the PA and announces "reminder, we've got a great sale in the produce department. Red grapes, green grapes, and black grapes all on sale for 99 cents/pound. It's a great deal"

So I turned to the lady next to me in the frozen aisle and said "more like a... Grape deal"

She just gave a small snort and rolled her eyes...

I only got to see my grandpa on my mom's side about once a year usually growing up, but there was always one common factor of each visit.

At some point during the catching up conversations, Pa (what we called him) would get a real dejected look on his face. Then he'd face my mom:

"Oh Vicky... guess who died?"-Pa

"Oh no... Who?"-Mom

"Elvis." -Pa

He'd then giggle, finger fun, and slap his thigh. Every. Single. Year.

I have a feeling he used that one for the better part of 40 years.

The lady, son, and I were in a retail store the other day when an annoucement was made over the PA system.

"Customer needs assistance in the vacuum cleaners"

I lean towards the wife and say, "Well this Hoover sucks. Oh, the Dyson it also sucks. To be honest, they all suck."

In the barn with Pa's cow!

One of his favorites. Oh, also: Juneau the capital of Alaska?

I'm looking for the man who shot my pa'

... and says, "I'm looking for the dog who shot my 'pa".