"That's the goal at least."
That's one expensive net
We were both bad trapeze artists
Not all heroes snare crepes.
Holes tied together with string.
They argued it was an act of cod.
I need to catch some Zs.
I guess he can only move diagonally
(Courtesy of my dad while watching the Dallas Stars game)
Because each point starts with a service.
It defeats the porpoise. http://i.imgur.com/bw1fYaO.jpg
(I'm a dad.)
A colleague from the .net department came into our department (java) and said, i must have forgotten my coffee here, he picked it up and on his way back to his department a colleague told him that he accidentally took his fish with him
WORKING ON A JOB
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
She Mrs. the net!
We went past a Garbodor and I told my Dad, “Hey it’s a Garbodor!” He then says “I don’t like it. That Pokémon is trash.”
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.
I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.
I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?
They are all free speech!
https://www.battleforthenet.com/
Stop the FCC from removing net neutrality!
[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)
Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...
...so he called in his court wizard to devise a means of defense. The wizard set to work at once. First, he wove a net, tightly so that nothing could escape. Then he traveled to the nearby lake.
For three days, he went to the edge of a dock, and cast his net into the water. Each time, he collected many small fish, until he had gathered thousands.
He then took the fish to his study, and carefully processed them, crushing them into a sticky paste. Warming the paste, he began to lather it across the walls of the maze.
When the king learned of this, he was very angry.
"How dare you cover my walls with fish paste!" he said.
The wizard replied, "But sire, everyone knows to protect a labyrinth, one must use a minnow tar."
Because they were afraid of the net.
The way he’d cast a net.
He made a good bit from selling the fish, but unfortunately it was a net loss.
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
- You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
- You have a good sense of humour
- You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
- You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
- You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
- You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
- You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
- Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required
Here's what I am not looking for:
- Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
- An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
- A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡The lawnmower, he gets grass income while the fisherman gets net income
Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.
I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.
I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.
You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.
Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.
My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.
How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.
Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.
Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.
Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes
Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!
Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.
Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.
Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".
I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!
At the end of a long season; two fishing companies got caught up over the last catching nets to supply ingredients to Hog Island's famous chowder... the legendary bustle was later known as the "mussel vessel hustle tussle"
Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...
- “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
- “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
- “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
- “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
- “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
- “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
- “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
- “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
- “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
- “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
- “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”
...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”
I was with him in his car.
Me: Hey, are we taking the bridge?
Him (with a horrible grin): Yes, but we gotta return it later.
My husband and I are laying in bed messing around on our phones. He's playing Hay Day and I'm reading Reddit. I look over and see he's fishing so I mention that I recently got the ability to make nets in Hay Day. In fact, I got a free mystery net to try while I'm making new ones.
He asks me who Mr. E Net is...I laughed and immediately came here to share with you guys.
EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.
It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.
Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.
Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.
Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.
We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.
Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?
My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.
But that's not why I come here.
I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face
... keep reading on reddit ➡Microsoft confirms that there's an issue with their most recent patch: it can corrupt Windows installations. A Microsoft developer by the name of Benedict [Last name withheld due to reddit rules] admitted that the code he wrote was faulty and could lead to corruption of some system files. However, Microsoft still recommends downloading the patch, since these cases are rare, and a tool that repairs affected installations will be available by tomorrow, and can easily be downloaded, since the faulty patch doesn't break any Internet features. Microsoft estimates that only 0.002% of Windows installations will be affected, and that on all other PCs, the patch does fix the bug it addresses. Although some sources on the net claim otherwise, Microsoft states that...
Benedict's Blunder Patch is low-key.
We are watching football and they just kicked an extra point. He says to me that it would be pretty cool if the net wasnt there and it hit the screen behind it... i told him that it wouldnt be very cool... and he came back with "i would call it a screen shot"
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
Roger Federer and Ron Paul are playing tennis. The set is close and Federer has serve. His first delivery sailed wide, but his second serve clipped the net and just barely landed on the line. The umpire called a let.
Ron Paul started arguing with the chair ump, he was positive that the serve was out, resulting in a double fault.
Needless to say, Ron Paul is vehemently against the Federer Re-serve.
Was putting them away in the refrigerator, handed one of these to my wife, saying, "You look like you need to take a leek".
Me: We catching the bus then?
Him: Nah, I forgot to bring a net big enough.
That‘s a really expensive net!
They're afraid of the net
