My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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︎ Dec 01 2020
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︎ Dec 24 2020
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
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︎ Dec 16 2020
So I read a study the other day claiming that βhumans eat more bananas than monkeysβ
Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I canβt remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
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︎ Dec 07 2020
The panda tricked the zoo keeper into feeding it more food...
...Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled!
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︎ Nov 15 2020
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Dad: What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane? Son: they both weigh the same.
Dad: wrong. Water is a fluid and butane is a lighter fluid!
Edit: credit to u/Kelly240361
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Itβs been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
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︎ Aug 22 2020
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
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︎ Oct 14 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Thereβs a more fluid name for the Schuykill River in Philly
Creek Mill - Streams and Nightmares
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︎ Nov 11 2020
What family members are most likely to spoil the sβmore children?
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︎ Nov 07 2020
Did you hear there's no more lobsters in the sea?
There's other problems too, but this is the Maine issue.
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︎ Oct 19 2020
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Whatβs up with ghosts haunting people? Arenβt there more interesting things to do in the afterlife? [OC]
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︎ Aug 27 2020
Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?
Because anything more than one is murder.
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︎ Oct 11 2020
This is more than meets the eye.
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︎ Jun 11 2020
More Than meets The Eye
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︎ Feb 25 2020
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, βItβs not working. I canβt take it any more. Iβm going to my momβs.β
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
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︎ Jun 19 2020
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
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︎ May 26 2020
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
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︎ Sep 03 2020
More stock photo puns from this silly siteππ Is that the girl from distracted boyfriend?
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︎ Jul 11 2020
I would do anything to get more customers at my restaurant to order the meat loaf.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I had an appointment with two physicians. They told me, βthe more pain you experience, the better you will feel.β
What a strange pair-a-docs.
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︎ Jul 25 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
What do you call a person who loves both himself and waffles more than anything else in the world?
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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︎ Aug 11 2020
My neighbours, the Razzis, have more photographs hanging from their walls than anyone Iβve ever known.
Thanks to their dad, Papa Razzi.
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︎ Aug 05 2020
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
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︎ Aug 25 2019
When you see birds flying in a βvβ shape, youβll see more birds on one side than the other. Want to know why?
Itβs because there are more birds on that side.
... Iβll see myself out.
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︎ May 23 2020
The local paper ran a front page article about offering a large print edition to be more accessible.
Apparently it was big news.
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Why did the fisherman catch more on his second trip?
Because of his mussel memory
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︎ Jul 12 2020
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?
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︎ May 26 2020
In the future it will be possible to incubate humans in artificial uteri. If you want yours in the one by the window, it will be more expensive.
After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
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︎ Jun 27 2020
I can't take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Iβm surprised 8:54 hasnβt yet become a more popular time with the youths.
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︎ May 23 2020
We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.
I guess that's hindsight in 2020
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︎ Apr 05 2020
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".
Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
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