My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
So I read a study the other day claiming that “humans eat more bananas than monkeys”
Which to me sounded a bit obvious. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The panda tricked the zoo keeper into feeding it more food...
...Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled!
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
Looking to learn a bit more about the foods we traditionally eat on Thanksgiving...
Can anyone recommend a good bog about cranberries?
Dad: What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane? Son: they both weigh the same.
Dad: wrong. Water is a fluid and butane is a lighter fluid!
Edit: credit to u/Kelly240361
It’s been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
There’s a more fluid name for the Schuykill River in Philly
Creek Mill - Streams and Nightmares
What family members are most likely to spoil the s’more children?
Did you hear there's no more lobsters in the sea?
There's other problems too, but this is the Maine issue.
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
What’s up with ghosts haunting people? Aren’t there more interesting things to do in the afterlife? [OC]
Why won't the bird defense attorney speak to more than one crow at a time?
Because anything more than one is murder.
This is more than meets the eye.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
More stock photo puns from this silly site😃😃 Is that the girl from distracted boyfriend?
I would do anything to get more customers at my restaurant to order the meat loaf.
I had an appointment with two physicians. They told me, “the more pain you experience, the better you will feel.”
What a strange pair-a-docs.
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
What do you call a person who loves both himself and waffles more than anything else in the world?
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
My neighbours, the Razzis, have more photographs hanging from their walls than anyone I’ve ever known.
Thanks to their dad, Papa Razzi.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster. If anything it made him more sluggish.
When you see birds flying in a “v” shape, you’ll see more birds on one side than the other. Want to know why?
It’s because there are more birds on that side.
... I’ll see myself out.
The local paper ran a front page article about offering a large print edition to be more accessible.
Apparently it was big news.
Why did the fisherman catch more on his second trip?
Because of his mussel memory
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?
In the future it will be possible to incubate humans in artificial uteri. If you want yours in the one by the window, it will be more expensive.
After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
I can't take my dog to the pond any more, the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I’m surprised 8:54 hasn’t yet become a more popular time with the youths.
We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.
I guess that's hindsight in 2020
So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".
Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.