)
A list of puns related to "The Minutes (play)"
.
I’ll pick up my guitar and play, just like yesterday.
But it's on my Chopin list.
just got home from the first day of school (i was in debate class at school)--
dad: how was school?
me: it was good, but a few of my friends dropped debate class
dad: dropped debate? what are they, fishermen?
Upon rewatching the episode I was shocked to find it was 30 minutes long.
Last minute add to my upcoming wedding to have a hashtag with a terrible play on words of my last name for guest pictures. The last name is Edson, for safety purposes I've altered it but it's still the rhyme I need. Pun Reddit deities I beseech you to give me your very best. Any submissions are deeply appreciated
This happened last night. My wife and I are visiting her grandparents and were playing Yahtzee! after putting our son to bed. I pulled a beer out of the fridge and dropped it on my toe, which didn’t break anything but hurt like heck. As I sit back down my 80-something-year-old Grandfather-in-law says, “Do I need to call an ambulance, or would a toe truck be better?”
I (33M) giggled uncontrollably for about 5 minutes as I had never heard that before.
Edit: toe/tow autocorrect
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
Upon entering, he notices all these different cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. Befuddled, he asks the hostess what the deal is with all the meat hanging from the ceiling.
She tells him that it’s a wager the owner plays with willing customers. She said, “if you can jump up and touch a piece of meat, then your meal is free. But if you fail, then you have to pay for all the other guests’ meals. Wanna give it a shot?”
The man looks up at the meat, ponders for a minute, then tells the hostess, “No thanks, the steaks are just too high.”
Just then a blind man appeared on a nearby path. The man asked the farmer what he was doing, and the farmer told him about his problem. The farmer told the man how he had tried everything, from singing to the trees, to shaking them, to blowing on them. The blind man thought for a minute and then instructed the farmer to try listening to the trees, because their song was not being heard. The farmer was skeptical, but figured he may as well try. He put his ear up to one of the small apples, and could barely hear the faintest song playing. He turned to ask the blind man how to hear it better but the man had disappeared.
Later that day the man told his wife, Andrea, all about what had happened. The wife was skeptical as well, but she told her husband to talk to their friend Jim the beet farmer, because he always had a healthy crop. The farmer obliged his wife and went and told Jim about his experience. Jim smiled, and he motioned for the farmer to come with him. The two walked to the middle of a field full of red beets. In the very center they found two golden beets. Jim told his friend to take the golden beets, and bury them into the soil near his orchard.
Night was approaching, but the farmer agreed to do what he was told. He thanked his friend and took the two beets to the center of his orchard, while his wife Andrea looked on. As he pushed them into the ground he started to hear the song of the trees. The song was a little louder, but still very quiet.
The farmer dug up the beets and began moving them to other spots. He soon noticed that as he buried them closer to his wife, the louder the song became and the apples actually started growing. The farmer, excited by his discover, ran over to his wife and stuck the beets into the soil at her feet. The apple orchard sung loudly and came to life with new growth. The farmer had the best crop he had ever had that year.
Moral of the story: If you want to listen to apple music, try plugging in your beets by ‘Dre.
They notice a sign for the watchtower challenge. They ask the tour guide what it’s about and he says “if you can drop your watch from the top of the old watchtower and catch it before it hits the ground, you win a million in gold to take home.” The Englishman goes first, drops his watch and runs down the steps, but he’s got no chance and his watch is completely broken. Then the Scotsman tries: he throws his watch up as high as he can to get more time, but his watch also smashes on the ground. But then the Irishman goes. He drops his watch and casually strolls down the watchtower steps. He goes straight over the road for a couple of drinks at the pub, and plays a game of pool. He then walks back over the road, waits a few minutes and catches his watch. The tour guide asks, “how did you manage that?” and the Irishman says “it was easy… my watch is an hour slow.”
They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.
Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?
Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.
Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.
He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"
Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. He took a deep breath and spoke quietly:
"With your eyes, Bert."
He kept shooting and not hitting the other spaceship and was getting angry about it. After about the third time:
Me: Well, what are you using?
Him: Huh? (still focused intensely on game)
Me: Like for artillery, what are you using to shoot?
Him: Missiles.
Me: Ah, well there's your problem.
Took a few minutes, but eventually he realized.
It was the most tense moment of our relationship so far.
Less than 5 minutes later my son handed the essay in to the bemused teacher, and left detention.
The essay simply said:
“rain stopped play”
after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this...
"daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot!"
"youve got it, honey"
i look down a few seconds later... both socks are on the same foot.
"you told me either foot was ok!" she laughed hysterically for minutes.
Dad Awards
To truly capture the “Spirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?
“Fixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.
“Gotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.
“That’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.
“Here boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.
“Office time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.
“Blame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.
“Really?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the “Brailleway” and it was for blind drivers)
“But the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.
“Try it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.
“Saved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.
“Animal surgeon” - conduct ‘surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.
“Here, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.
What else can you add to this list?
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing”
The octopus spewed, “Play it?! I wanna marry her!"
But the two elderly men were speaking a foreign language.
After a few minutes of silently watching them, my friend finally asks me: "Is that Russian?"
"No," I replied, "it's Czech, Mate."
...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.
Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".
He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun
Good one dad.
When one of them hit a ball that went straight into my ear. He immediately started apologizing profusely, and I told him it was ok.
After a minute of trying to walk off the pain he asked me if I was mad at him, to which I replied, "No, I'm not mad, just a little ear-itated."
We all laughed hysterically for a couple more minutes then went back to playing.
Sitting in the cinema when the trailers end and the light comes up for a minute before the real movie starts.
Dad: "Well, well what a nice movie, wasn't it? A little short but still..." pretends to stand up and leave
On rare occasions I have seen two dads do the pretending to leave thing at the same fucking time. It's like the universal dadjoke one has to perform at least once before entering the magic league of joking dads.
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!
Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.
Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.
Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.
Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.
Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.
War Eagle!!!
Rent. One of the songs is 525,600 Minutes!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : “May I ask what the turkey did?”
I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke
A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks “what’s going on over there?” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. “Really! Can I wish for anything!?” The Bartender says “yup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” “How do you play!?” The man asks excitedly “It’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks!” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted!?” The bartender says “what did I say!? I told you to be specific and enunciate!” “Oooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says “Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**
... keep reading on reddit ➡Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird "dating" phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing...
Sarah: Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now!
Me: Hoe dear, that sounds like a really sticky situation you're in.
I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself.
Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her. Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream.
I'm a massage therapist in a spa. While working with a client, she mentioned she plays violin, works out regularly, and runs a successful business. Then:
Client: "I also like to do a lot of gardening."
Me: "Seems like you've got your hands in quite a few pots!"
She agreed then continued about how she enjoyed gardening. She finished speaking, then after 5 minutes of silence she yells, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I just got your joke about the pots!"
Best response to a dadjoke I've ever gotten.
My 3 year old is starting to want to play with the computer. This morning he was trying to type out words we were sounding out and spelling.
He wanted to spell out "octopus," and when we got to the "U," he had trouble locating it. Queue the cry of "I can't find U!" To which I replied "I'm right here!" "No Dad, I can't find U." "I'm right here!"
This went on for several minutes and a significant number of sighs and eye rolls from my patient wife.
You've probably seen these... One whole side of the pillow has sequins, which are reversible, and reveal a different color or pattern when you flip the sequins.
My daughter was playing with hers, and making pictures by flipping the sequins in patterns.
I asked her if she could make a picture showing what she did today. She spent about 15 minutes painstakingly flipping sequins to show her going to school, and dance class. She was all done, and proudly showed me her work.
I said "Well, look at that... its a sequins of events."
So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.
I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".
As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".
Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."
And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".
It's funny because it all chains together.
My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.
I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.
Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.
In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.
So my dad and I are talking one night during dinner and I let slip that my nickname in school is tangent. Then the following ensues Dad : Oh really? Well do you know who Satan's cousin is? Me : No. Dad : SaCOSINE! Me : Wait.... NOOOOO DAD NO.
He continued laughing hysterically for a good 10 minutes after.
Well played dad. Well played.
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
So I never really had a father figure nor Have I ever met my dad but this was something a friend said to me that definitely would be a dad joke. Happened on LoL
Friend: Hey
Me: Sup
Friend: Nm, want to play a couple games?
Me: Uh, Give me like 20-30 minutes got to run up to the store.
Friend: Alright, you can walk though.
Me: -_- Thanks Dad!
The doctor says, "Okay, well have a seat." He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, "Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000." The man, flabbergasted, yells, "$1000?! There wasn't even anything wrong with me!" The doctor replies, "Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan..."
I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.
I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.
Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"
Dad: "I think so."
Me: "Well, what was it?"
Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."
We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.
Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.
Bonus story #1:
I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.
He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.
Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."
Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"
Me: "No way!"
Old man: "Do you want to see some?"
Bonus story #2:
That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."
His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so
... keep reading on reddit ➡(Talking about going to a play)
Mom: They want us there 15 minutes early.
Dad: They didn't tell me that.
Mom: That's because it was on the poster.
Me: He's not really a poster child.
Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.
We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.
One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.
He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.
To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"
Cue groans from the entire channel.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
How do you kill a white elephant?
Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!
All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.
I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.
He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."
Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.
These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.
Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.
Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defense. As licensed broadcasters, they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them that several nuclear missile launches had occured, and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. But what was the point in that? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?
Ernie looked up at Bert. Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune, while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio coor, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.
Bert. always the consummate professional, turned away as the first explosion split the horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meat his fiery death with dignity.
He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, "How do I look, Ernie?"
Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He hugged his companion, released him and studied Bert's face. He saw the closeness they shared, all the long years tying them together, and the strength of their relationship. He took a deep breath, with tears streaming down his cheeks. He spoke in a quiet, broken tone:
"With your eyes, Bert."
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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