The Mind's I Puns

“Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel!”

The bartender, after having owned the bar for 20+ years, tells the customer, "I've seen some crazy things go on in this bar and in this town. I don't think you can do it. You're on."

The customer reaches in his pocket, and pulls out a man who stands 10" tall. He tells the bartender, "watch this." Then tells the little man, "how about beethoven's 5th?"

The small man goes to the piano, climbs onto the stool, and plays beethoven's 5th symphony flawlessly.

With his mind properly blown, the bartender slides his customer a beer.

An hour later, the same customer challenges the tender to the same bet, who again, obliges.

The customer pulls a genie lamp from another pocket and tells the owner, "this genie has no limits. Make a wish."

In disbelief, he says, "alright, I wish I had a million bucks."

The bar immediately fills with white-feathered birds.

"I WISHED FOR BUCKS, NOT DUCKS!!"

The customer replied, "when was the last time you wished you had a 10 inch pianist in your pants?

Where Anne Hathawill,Anne Hathaway.

It was quite the roll reversal.

"Good," he said. "Take these drinks to table 7."

The widow replies "Please do".

The man clears his throat and say "Bargain".

The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".

"Good," he said, "Take these meals to table nine."

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

After all, I do all of our fruit shopping.

I'll tell ya that guy was methed up

And I replied, “well, that’s just a stereo type.”

When you think about it, it makes scents

It's just the two days after that I can't stand.

They Coo

Either oar.

But when they forward is daylight robbery.

But Iran out of them

I bet you don't believe me...

I thought knot.

She said go ahead.

I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.

“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”

I thought to myself "What's love got to do with it?"

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

As I walked out of the door she screamed “ I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery boredom and pain”

I said “ make your mind up, one minute you’re telling me to go and now you want me to stay”

Keep in mind, these both happened in the same day today.

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I was getting ready for work today and accidentally dropped a coin which woke up my wife.
She sat up and looked at me.
I told her it's a quarter past floor.

===============================

Coworker: I have a friend that has a tattoo of just a pecan because it's the Texas state nut.
Me: I don't believe that. (Starts to look it up)
Coworker: Look it up!
Me: It's actually the official state TREE! Meg is the official nut.
Coworker: Nutmeg is the official nut?
Me: No, just some chick named Meg. She's crazy.

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

A man goes up to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No," she answers.

The man stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora."

"Thank you," says the woman, "That means a lot."

Thought knot.

It’s the neck.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”

“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

“Thanks,” said the woman, “that means a lot.”

Would you please just let everything blow over first..

Edit/update:

First let me say that we fortunately weathered the storm well, some damage, not major.

I grew up with a humorous dad, and I appreciate how humor can alleviate stress. Most of you "got it", some of you didn't, some (few) were offended.

I grew up with a dad who taught me the appreciation of MAS*H where Hawkeye Pierce made jokes and quips in a horrible environment (war).

My dad even joked when he got Covid-19, a serious issue at his age, he first told me saying "I tested positive.. I'm pregnant"

That said I want to say Thank You to those that got it.

Riding out a hurricane is a scary and anxiety ridden experience. Each time you commented you made me smile, chuckle and sometimes laugh. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise scary night, if only for a moment it would take my mind off of the raging wind and rain at my door each of the hundreds of times my phone notification went off as this post "blew" up! I can only hope it did the same for others who appreciate humor the way that my dad taught me to.

Thanks r/dadjokes

Godspeed to those still battling this storm and those that will battle the results in the days and weeks to come.

As Jimmy Buffet once said "If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane"

It takes quite a while though.

Me [tearing up]: yes, that’s my brother Reese. Cop: are you sure? Me: yes I’m sure, those are Reese’s pieces.

Essentially, this idea for a joke came to me recently, which was a play on words. A two story building - that means it has multiple floors, OR, if it's taken literally, has two mental stories, which could be linked to schzofrenia.

In other words, a house with more floors than one has schizofrenia. That's the general idea. But I struggled to build a joke around that. So, jokers of r/dadjokes, I raise you this challenge!

I have no idea what the reception to this post will be, but keep in mind it's just supposed to be a fun experiment.

...Bosch!

The bartender says "Hey, you can't be here"

The bear replies, "Oh, is that because I'm a bear?"

"No, no, that's not it! The last time you were in here, you created a huge tab, couldn't pay it, you tried to pay in honey, and you could barely stand!"

"Oh ha ha," the bear says "I could BEARly stand"

"What? I'm not trying to make a bear joke"

"What are you going to say next? I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you're an alcoholic"

"Well, that's what I was getting to! But I wasn't going to make bear jokes about it"

"Then why even bring it up?"

"Because.. I've been where you are... I've been WORSE than where you are. And I don't want to see you take the same path I did."

The bear asks, "How could you possibly help me?"

"Well, I could give you my number, and if you were serious about, you know.. you could give me a call."

.....

The bartender notices the bear staring at them, and asks, "If you don't mind me asking, why the big pause?"

"Oh, I don't know, I was born with them"

Freddy named his newborn son after his favorite city in Arizona. A couple of years down the pike Freddy changed his mind and petitioned the court to change his son’s name to something more conventional. Several years later Freddy’s son got wind of the name change and the following conversation occurred:

Robert: So, Dad, how long have I been named Robert?

Dad: You’ve been Robert since you were Tucson.

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.