The Manual Puns

To make a little extra cash he wrote a rhotic r on the side

Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches.

I said, “That’s sound advice.”

Basically an autobiography

Dad: That’s sound advice.

It's riveting

He was being a reel crank.

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

The shuttle was low on fuel, so Armstrong has to take manual control of it to find them a safer place to land, landing 4 miles away from where they intended to.

The scientists behind it were very Apollo-getic.

I was nonplussed at the ability of the student to add manually minus the aid of an adding machine!

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

Did you know when President Trump arrived in office the secret service had to change their protocol manuals. Instead of yelling “get down” in emergency situations, they now say “donald duck!”

The computers and Wi-Fi went down at work yesterday so everything had to be done manually.

...........

Took me three hours to show the office what I was having for lunch!

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

My cousin's husband made a post on Facebook saying, "Can somebody teach me how to drive a manual?"

I responded, "Well, there's your problem. You're supposed to read the manual, and drive the car."

Crickets.

In Poland we celebrate Father's Day today. Together with several friendly fathers, we have created a manual for the newborn fathers. Have fun :)

LINK: newther.com

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!

Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".

I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

The manual just says to get them gutentight

She was preparing to teach a unit on light, and asked me to look something up in the manual for her. As she handed me the book,

Her: "This is the light teacher's manual."

Me: "Feels pretty heavy to me."

Glare

Her: "You're not funny."

We use these red sliding sheets to help transfer patients from the operating table to their trolley (they're widely used in hospitals and care environments for various patient manual handling tasks). For those who are unfamiliar, it's basically a double layered, frictionless sheet you position under the patient in order (theoretically) to transfer them with minimal force and effort.

One particular colleague hates them, and today ranted:

"I would love to punch the guy who invented these and has probably made millions of pounds and retired"

To which someone immediately responded:

"I bet he's a right slippery character though".

One of the students asked, "Which lesson manual will we be learning from?"

To which I responded, "EMMANUEL, amrite?"

blank stares

My sister suggested bringing her waterproof camera to take pictures while we snorkel, and I advised her to look up the owner's manual to make sure that it could handle salt water.

Me: The salt water might wreck the seal.
Dad: Would it wreck the walrus?

All: groan

Me: Ugh, it's getting hot in here!

Mom: It's not hot in here, it's just all that manual labor!

Dad: Manual labor? Ah, the most famous man in Mexico!

Mom & I: reluctantly giggling

Once upon a time in the 80’s, the religious supreme ruler of a middle eastern country fled outside military forces seeking to strip him of his power using whatever means necessary. Fearing for his life, he was secretly smuggled into the US where he reluctantly shaved his beard and attempted to blend in.

He successfully went native and got an apartment, and soon realized he needed a job to pay for food and rent. He didn't want to do any sort of manual labor or serve others, as he craved comfortable control. He eventually became a toll booth operator, where he enjoyed sitting in his high chair, making people pay him so that he would grant them passage. Over time he grew bold and began to use his own judgment on what vehicles would pay him for his blessing to cross.

One day, two semi-tractor trailer beverage trucks were in his line, a Pepsi truck in front, and a Coke truck behind. The Pepsi truck pulled up and he said "Pepsi truck, you may pass for free." The Pepsi truck driver happily accepted, and over his CB radio told the Coke truck driver “This guy just let me through for free!”. When the Coke truck pulled up, hoping to also pass for free, the toll booth dictator said "Coke truck, you will pay me 100 of your American dollars."

The Coke truck driver was livid, and said "You let that Pepsi truck pass for free! You want me to pay 100 dollars?! That’s outrageous! I am going to report this! What is your name?!" Our toll booth operator proudly replied "Ayatollah Cokemainly."

Me: That’s ....sound advice.

Dad: That’s......sound advice.

Dad: That’s sound advice.

“That’s sound advice.”

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.