After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
What kind of house do ninja turtles live in when they go on vacation from living in the sewers and fighting crime?
Did you hear about the Punjabi polymath who makes flatbread for a living?
He's a jack of all trades, master of naan.
If you're American in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom?
Did you hear about the introvert who was so happy living in Antarctica?
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?
Trying not to mention the favourite part of my living room here
I think I've done well sofa
What is the name of the polar bear therapist living at the north pole?
Whats the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus
I know a religious woman living in a monastery who studies the encyclopedia...
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well, there are a lot of good reasons, but the flag is a big plus.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."
"Me and my recliner go way back."
My wife told me we didn’t need the surround system for our living room I bought...
I told her it was a Sound Investment.
What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?
Despite the high cost of living,
At the pearly gates, Saint Peter asks new arrivals what they did for a living...
The first person says “I was a doctor, I saved lives.” St. Peter lets him in.
The second person says “I was a teacher, I educated and inspired hundreds of children”. St Peter lets him in.
The third says “I was a musician, I brought joy and beautiful music to many people.”
St. Peter says “ok, but you’ll have to go around back and come in through the kitchen.”
I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
What did the chemist say after being tired of living a life full of sins?
"I must acetone for my sins"
Have you heard about the dog that can design living rooms?
He is an in-terrier decorator.
Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge
Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked “what’s wrong?”
The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, “you can talk?”
“Yes” the well said, “long ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”
“Alas” the woman said, “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”
“Do not be afraid” the well said, “I will take care of this.”
The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.
See moral above for the pun...
You can’t die in the living room
My dad came into the living room asking what I was watching on tv, after I told him he got mad and left.
I guess I’ll talk to him after I finish watching boomerang
My son was browsing Reddit in the living room
when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence.
Disappointed I could only say, "Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post."
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
My grandfather sold abacuses for a living in the 1960s.
He was part of the counter culture.
The undead not having to factor food and shelter into their cost of living is a clear example of wight privilege.
What do you call a Sasquatch living outside the US?
There are only 107 Amur Leopards still living in the wild
It's tragic cause they're the only big cats who know what they are
I’ve been living under the radar for years now...
...Today I finally decided to move that dumb thing off of me.
I noticed 10 ants living on the windowsill
So I built them a home out of a cardboard box for them to live in instead
A few days later I realised...
I've become a landlord with tenants
In a one story house the walls are blue, the chairs are blue, the floor is blue, the lights are blue, the living room is blue, the bedrooms are blue, the kitchen is blue, even the air has a blueish tint. What color are the stairs?
The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.
What if someone died in the living room?
If you haven't heard of the latest trends, then Dwaine Johnson must be living above you
Me: “Billy passed out in the living room” Dad: “Well I guess it’s not the living room anymore”
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth.
Then I snapped out of it.
Did you hear when Optimus was living the best life?
They say he was in his prime
Scientists have discovered a crazed 8 legged being living on the moon.
Did you hear about the guy who makes his living by designing cool clothes for dudes?
Yeah, he’s Bro-Fashion Al.
My nephew just called us into the living room, saying "Dad, Uncle Squigles, all the light bulbs blew!"
We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.
My brother is still cracking up and very proud.
My wife asked me to buy a new stereo system for the living room
It was a sound investment
At a wedding party the dj yelled out "All married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living".
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
My renovator ask me if he can remove the mirrors in my living-room.
I asked him to wait, I need to reflect...
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
I once met someone on the internet who walked tightropes for a living
But he hasn’t been online since he retired
A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.
They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it.
My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in.
My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that???
He said yes it’s a cat.....
A putty cat......
So my dad and I were moving a bedroom set for my grandmother as she was moving into an assisted living home. There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said
There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”
He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.
A friend of mine sells supplements for a living and he stopped by the house. My wife answered the door.
I yelled to her to go ahead and vitamin.
You are a super villain who can scream supersonic classical music, you name is Bach the Fuck up. Would you rather rob banks for a living, or would you rather cause random chaos in the streets?
reddit.com/r/WouldYouRath…
After dinner, mom cow walks into the living room
to see her two calves watching tv, she grabs the remote, turns it off and says “okay you two. time to hit the hay, it’s pasture bedtime.”
What is the shortest object in the living room?
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
My grandfather walked into the living room
He looked at me and said, “Well...”
“Yes grandpa?”
“Its kind of a deep subject”
What do you call children living in the capital city of Belgium?
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag's a big plus
What’s the best part of living in Switzerland
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland
I don't know,but the flag is a big plus.
You know the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not really sure, but the flag is a huge plus.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
If I'm American in the living room and in the dinning room, what am I called in the bathroom?
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well you know, the flags a big plus
What's the best part about living in Mozambique?
I don't know, but their flag is to die for.
What’s the best part of living in Switzerland?
I don’t know but the flag is a big plus
What is the biggest advantage about living in Switzerland ?
I don't know, but the Flag's a big Plus
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag's certainly a big plus.
If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
What's the best part about living in Switzerland ?
Well the flag is a big plus!
If you're American in the living room and American in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom?
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
(probably a repost)
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland??
I'm not sure, but the flag's a huge plus
My dad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties.
He was part of the counter culture.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
One of the best things about living in Switzerland...
Whats the advantage of living jn Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
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