How many licks does it take to get to the center of a hamster?
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says

Wait, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 672
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Give me a second; it's on the tip of my tongue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivrak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Why did the walrus lick the envelope?

Because it was looking for a good SEAL!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jam219
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A friend of mine said he was having sex with his girlfriend and then the cat jumped on their bed and started licking his butt

I said to the friend: "you're lucky he didn't get a prize for it, that would have been a catasstrophy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aereau
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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I saw a lone lion out on the Savannah licking it's balls...

Has it no pride?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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What's the difference between chemistry and cooking

In chemistry you should never lick the spoon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpookyWeebou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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My dog's breath smells like she has been licking the butt of satan...

My wife, to our dog, whose breath stinks: "Your breath smells like you have been licking the butt of satan."

Me: "It was a brimstone job."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMarshalltown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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Wifey warned me "Don't use the butter left out on the bench. The kitties got up and were licking it."

"Yeah I don't wanna use that cat-lick butter...

That's worse than that Anglican butter."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
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A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon

Me: Oh jeez

Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed

Me: Oh my god what happened

Dad: He ran out of gas

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZAP_Riptide
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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A Dad Joke Told By My Mom

My Mother was making chocolate pudding in the kitchen and in the middle of mixing it together when my brother walked in. Actual conversation as follows...

Brother: Hey, mom! Can I lick the bowl when you're done?

Mom: No, Joseph. You can use a toilet brush like the rest of the world.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K80KABOOM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
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Got my wife twice while talking about our dog

My wife just finished eating some eggo waffles and the dog came in and immediately started licking the syrup off her hands

Her: the dog didn't even see me eat yet he ran straight over to me and began licking my hands.

Me: Yeah, it's like he nose

Her (trying to come up with something to out do my joke): That was quite the paw-n

Me: Was that supposed to be a joke, because it sounded like a faux-paw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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A mole family is leaving its burrow for the day...

Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. β€œMmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. β€œI smell butter.”

Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. β€œI smell sugar!”

Brother Mole is next. β€œMmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.

Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says β€œAll I smell is molasses.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSS24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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HELP!! I'm in need of some pun name ideas for my new pub!

like the title says im in need of a funny/catchy/witty/ pun name for my new pub! there are already a few pubs around with catchy pun names like pub-lick, and sub-urban (they make sub sandwiches at lunch) can we come up with something better!! some info that might help you out. the pub is going to be in canberra, act, australia in the city centre i.e. civic.

lets see what we can come up with!!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaleBoydd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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Police arrest albacore abusers...

All part of the tuna-lick fringe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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My wife makes dadjokes

I was sitting on the couch with my 3 month old daughter. Our dog comes up to us and starts licking my daughter's toes. My wife, who is sitting beside me, looks at me with a straight face and says "I hope she enjoys that free pet-icure ". Me and my daughter let out a big sigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtyleft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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I may get promoted or demoted for this one.

I was at work and saw my manager walking around with a clock.

I lick my lips,

My muscles tighten,

All I hear is my heartbeat.

My manager and I make eye contact. The words come out almost instantly:

"Looks like you've got a lot of time on your hands, sir."

He maintains eye contact for a second and walks away, but I could hear his soul groan.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotVampire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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So to be dad joke

I was in the hospital with my wife while she was in labor with our second child. She was in a lot of pain and very thirsty. The nurse offered her an ice pop (which is a big deal because normally it’s just ice chips). I held the ice pop for her while she licked it.

I looked at her and said β€œIf you did more of that you wouldn’t be in this position now.”

Somehow I’m still married.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabrielJesusSaves
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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My son and I were stocking up for the Christmas party at our new rural home...

And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.

We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.

I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."

Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.

Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.

It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuenaPisteada
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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My father dropped this one on the family while eating self serve icecream...

So we're out at a salad buffet type restaurant with self server ice-cream. My father, being quite the large human, makes himself a monstrosity of an ice-cream. This thing is like 6-8 inches tall and sitting on a baby sugar cone. He proceeds to eat the phalic dessert with much enthusiasm and I ask him,

"Dad are you enjoying that?"

He stops mid lick

"Not half as much as this icecream is"

My father ladies and gentlemen.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovewarevolution
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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Slightly Dirty Joke

So my "uncle" Frank and my dad have known each other since college where they were roommates together for all 4 years. One joke they keep going between them surely pulls a few laughs from everyone in the vicinity.

So whenever they get together, the drinks are not far behind. So here is how it plays out...

Dad: (you want some) liquor?

Frank: lick her? I barely know her!!

And they start cracking up.

They do the same thing for poker.

Edit: Formatting

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpunk121
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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My dad's go to

Anytime my dad sees a dog licking its own balls if there is anyone around he ask "don't you wish you could do that?" If the person responds yes he cackles his way through "give it a try I'm sure he'd let you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainer51
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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My dad was making brownies...

And I saw the delicious batter. I asked if I can lick the rest of the bowl. He replied, "No you have to flush like the rest of us!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bushy_Goodness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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So me and my girlfriend were having that pre sex 'sex convo'.....

She was saying all the nasty things she's gonna do to me, I'm doing likewise

Her: " I want you to lick me"

Me: "baby, are you from Australia?"

Her: "huh?"

Me: "cuz if you are I'm gonna lick you in your land down under"

We didn't have sex that night.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bergendey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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Stamp collecting

A few days ago, I was with family and Aunt #1 was showing me a book about antique stamps for collectors and the many thousands of dollars some of them cost. When she talked about her stamp collection, I said "That's a sticky habit."

Aunt #2 groaned and said, "What are you? Uncle R (her husband)?"

A few minutes later, I told her, "It's okay. You can address your resentment of stamp-related puns to me. I'm not afraid. [walking to edge of the room] I can take a licking right here in this corner if I have to! C'mon, go postal on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slinkwyde
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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Hayve

I'm not a good storyteller so I'm sorry if the cadence is bad.

As a kid, I always used to yell "Have" (pronounced HAY-ve, like "glaive") at my dog if it was doing something bad. It was a shortened thing I picked up from my mom.

Anyways, I dad-joked a lady pretty good as she was walking by the house one day, after my dog ran out the gate and started jumping up trying to lick her face. She was laughing as I kept yelling, "Haveee! Haaaave!!" and said, "Is that your dog's name? Haive?"

To which I said, "No, but I want her to beHave."

...That was a good day.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heretikos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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Every single time my dad baked something when I was little

Me: Dad, can I lick the bowl?

Dad: No, flush it like all the other kids.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMurrs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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So a guy drives to a gas station...

He gets out of his car to fill up, spilling some gas on the ground. Just then a dog runs up, licks the puddle, and starts running laps around the station. After five minutes, the dog keels over, all fours in the air. Nervous for the dog, the man asks the attendant whats wrong. The attendant says, "nothing, he just ran out of gas." (from a friend's dad)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DysenteryLarry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2015
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Dadjoked my nieces ...

My twin nieces' birthdays are today. Last night, one of them was licking the bowl of frosting.

"You like that ice in the bowl, don't you?"

"It's not ice ... it's ICING!"

"You sing? Well, I sing too!" begin singing the Smurf song

My niece did a facepalm that would make any dad proud. :)

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlking3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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headache

Me: Man, my head really hurts... Dad: Yeah well your face is killing me!

And as a bonus - anytime you mention the word liquor, he says "Lick her?! I don't even know her!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emptyelle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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My uncle laid this one on me today

Me and my cat really like discussions about philosophy, religion, and the like. The other day we got to talking about religions, and I asked her what religion she is. Well, she started licking my arm like crazy and wouldn't stop! That's when I realized, "OH MY GOD! She's a cat-o-lick!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babosw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Got my mother today.

My mother does not do well in hot weather, which is bad because we live in the desert. She was complaining today about the heat inside the house. My dad was being unsympathetic, so I come out of my room and she turns to me.

"Is it hot in here?" She asks me.

"I think it might just be me," I said with a smirk. Not getting it, she pushes harder.

"Are you hot?"

"Yes." *licks finger* *places finger on body* *sizzle*

She just gave me a look and my dad laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDRPG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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If you lick the icing off a spoon...

Are you defrosting it?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chivrak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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