The Lens Puns

He truly made a spectacle of himself.

It was quite a spectacle.

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"Good eye, mate."

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

I used to be a film photographer but learned it was a negative hobby.

One that lens itself to bad puns.

The kind that make you shutter.

I have proof.

Recently my cousin got into Star Wars Fanfictions. Like absolutely enamored by them. Not being much of a fanfic guy but still wanting to be supportive I inquired into her new obsession. After a bit of asking she told me she hated the new villain arcs for the new trilogy but thought they were good characters that deserved a better story to be explored through. After this, I fully understood and was happy she was exploring these antagonists through a different lens.

Just goes to show ya, different snokes for different folks.

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

I was talking to my Dad, and I pointed out that his glasses were incredibly dirty, with a big smudge on one of the lens.

So he takes them off, and exclaims that they are pretty dirty.

"Well, I've been giving people dirty looks all day..."

Roommate : Do you have the contact lens solution? Me: Depends, what's the contact lens problem?

Yesterday started a new motocross season for my nephew, so for his inaugural race a bunch of family went to watch him. I'm an amateur/hobbyist photographer so I brought my telephoto zoom lens out and my Canon body to get a few shots of him on the track. The assembled camera is about 18 inches in length. After putting it together:

Mom (first seeing it): Holy crap! That thing looks like a damn cannon!

Me: (pointing to the label) You sure know your cameras, it is a Canon!

Typical dad joke responses ensued.

My wife took the day off because she had an eye doctor appointment. She just sent me a text.

"Can't wait to see you!"

"Is that a contact lens joke?"

"No"

"Woulda been a good one!"

She has not replied. I regret nothing.

Remind me to clean the lens next time.

This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.

So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"

My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"

I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"

I told her she got what she deserved.

Optometrist: It's crazy. People will spend their money on purses, shoes, Starbucks, but they won't spend money on their eye health.

Me: Ah well. You see the world through a different lens.

•_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■) ^^new ^^glasses

My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.

"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."

"Were you going to season it?"

"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.

"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.

"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.

"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.

"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.

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TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.