The Laughter Show Puns

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

My 2 year old daughter figured out she could wear her underwear on her head. My wife told her to show me.

Kid: "Daddy, I wear the undies!"
Me: "Kiddo, you wear undies under. Wearing them over makes them ovaries"

My wife keeled over and started coughing from laughter.

Mom starts playing showing off her arms to oldest son (I assume) says "you wish you had these muscles". Kid then proceeds to show of abs apparently.

Mom: that's impressive.

Dad: "you think that's impressive..?" tugs at his shorts

Family: 😐

Needless to say the whole place seem to fill with laughter at the expense of this poor boy.

So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.

My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."

Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."

Room was filled with laughter and groans.

A while back, my mom was freaking out because it takes forever for the whole family to show up at the table. As she was ranting, this exchange happened.

mom: doggone it, we've got cold beans!

long pause

Dad: I believe the expression is "cool beans".

The next few minutes were straight out of a 90s sitcom. All three of us kids choking back laughter, my mom giving my dad the death stare, and my dad just sitting there with a "totally worth it" face. Words can not describe the rant that followed.

Uncle was showing me the new laptop he had purchased. I was giving him some tips on Windows 8 and certain apps he could download.

He commented on a hole in the drywall near his desk:

Uncle, "Is there an app that can fix holes in drywall?"

Me, "No...you'll have to download a patch."

Pause. Groan. Laughter.

I was so proud.

I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.

It came down to this:

1. No study was done to show the validity of the difference.
2. It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number.
3. The reason for this approach was simply that it is "standard in the industry" and because it is "what every other city does".

Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."

Mixture of groans and laughter.