what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The jewel theft was caught and sent to prism.
Lucky for him, it was a light sentence.
Jeweler said I could buy two crucifixes for the price of one.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
My girlfriend owns a bit of a golden Nile serpent...
She has a nice piece of asp!
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What is the opposite of isolate?
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
Almost everyone has the day off on the Fourth of July. Except fire.
Fire works on the Fourth of July
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
What is the hairiest side of a gorilla?
What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
De Nile is also the longest river in the world...
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
What's the best time of day on a clock?
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What pan is the best to make sushi in?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the... Bottom...
(as told by my 5yo son, I'm so proud)
What was the name of Robin Hood's Dad?
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"
"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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