You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
Today, I checked out at the store, but the cashier kept taking pictures of herself with each item I was purchasing...
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
What's the name of the relative who owns a shop that specializes in vintage items made from hardwood?
What's the worst household item?
The vacuum cleaner, because it sucks!
Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.
It was great, but the bill was enormous.
I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
The #1 item pickpocketed during last months protests were mirrors
This doesn't reflect well on the protestors
What is the hardest item of clothing for a female French elephant to put on in the morning?
The fisherman used all funds from fish sales to buy collections of audio recordings issued as a single item on CD...
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
I used to be obsessed with the idea of playing football with random items of clothing. However, after stealing from a nun's wardrobe to feed my addiction, I soon saw the error of my ways.
It was a difficult habit to kick.
I heard the European Parliament wanted to ban all plastic items
I'm afraid they're grasping at straws.
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
My friend wears a close-fitting knitted cap when he's putting items for sale on racks at the grocery...
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.
The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.
For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.
Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.
I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.
The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.
My store is giving away a first aid bag with the purchase of 3 health items.
The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus!
Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival.
Bob asked Tom, “what did you bring?” “A bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.
“What did you bring?” Tom asked. “This sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.
Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask “Forrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, “I have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”
World of Warcraft introduced a scavenger hunt to find a secret item that involved hundreds if not thousands of people in a Discord spending days and days scouring the entire world for little clues.
The secret reward is called Waist of Time.
Well played, Blizzard, well played.
I recently ate at an east African restaurant. On their menu, one of the items was a mini tamale...
Forgetful Francesca had a lot of items on her list as she headed to the Super Store... celery, cinnamon, oatmeal, mint, mustard and chocolate.
Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.
I got fired from my job of making a double or multiple fold in a garment or other item made of cloth, held by stitching the top or side.
I once went to work drunk and put too many double or multiple folds in a garment or other item made of cloth, held by stitching at the top or side.
It was replete with pleats.
I ordered a curry the other day from a takeaway, that I'm usually rude to, when only one of items was delivered...
I thought to myself that's just korma.
NEWS ITEM: "Pope raises all the Vatican urinals."
He wants to keep the Cardinals on their toes.
There's a new menu item at the German place around the corner.
Eins fries that you really should drei.
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning & find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
I really respect the folks who make and source small items for movies.
So I'm at the store today, and I've gathered my items. I head for the checkout to pay for all of my stuff, while on my way there, I see a guy acting a little strange, but I continue on my way.
I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.
Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!
I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm
able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.
I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.
Did you know "Silent Night" is not a nativity carol, but rather a news item about a successful Scandinavian invasion of the Middle East?
"Bjørn is the king of Israel"
Found on Amazon Customer Questions - What are the dimensions of this item (Converse shoes)?
At least one foot long.
( https://imgur.com/a/05232 )
My girlfriend has a bad habit of bashing the food items I buy at the grocery store...
Spent two hours at the grocery store getting a ton of food so she didn't have to make the trip. What do I get in return?
Text from GF: "This bread sticks to my teeth a lot"
My response: "DOUGH!"
GF: "Ha...... Ha...."
me: "I was hoping you'd LOAF that"
GF: "Where's the cheese emoticon?"
me: "WHEAT a second, I'll try & find one"
GF: "I'm rolling my eyes and shaking my head"
me: "No cheese emoticon... CHIBATTA call Apple & tell em to get on that".
me: "Will butter do instead? Cuz I'm on a ROLL"
No further response... will update if saga continues.
Went clothes shopping with my dad. He followed me around the whole department asking if he "looks fat" in various items.
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