What’s the worst thing that’ll happen to the Gaetz household if he gets busted?

His son will end up an empty Nestor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/calicouple271
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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What's the worst household item?

The vacuum cleaner, because it sucks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/homovalleygirl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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An independent study showed that the average household in America uses 3.14 pumpkins between Halloween and thanksgiving

No wonder they call it pumpkin pi!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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The watermelon is admitted without question into many households although...

it is always very seedy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghstmnky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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Babies gotta support the household too!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannyVenial
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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I used to have a bird that would tell me he was going to break the cage and take over the household...

It was a coup-coup bird.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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TIL: In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices.

It’s true. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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My wife has been complaining that I don’t buy her flowers. Tbh I don’t even know she started selling flowers.

Couldn’t post it earlier. Doing dishes, making everyone’s bed, taking trash and all the other household chores ate up all my evening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shishir-nsane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Discussing the fallic household with my mother and father.

My mother has given birth to 5 boys, no girls, of which I am the oldest. Sitting at dinner after two of my younger brothers duked out, my mother begins...

"There are too many penises in this house!"

Dad replied, "Oh, you're just jealous."

"No, I'm not. I much prefer my boobs."

"Sounds like you're in denial."

I chimed in, "Don't you mean penile?"

I was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from my father and a roll of the eyes from my mother. The signs of a good days work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotYourLocalCop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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My dad called me in and told me: "Now we know that Phil really is the head of the household." (Crosspost from /r/DuckDynasty) imgur.com/fF9nmLh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamdrew729
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Why did the dad change the poopy diaper?

He was #2 in the household pecking order.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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My mom's been cackling at this bad pun for three days.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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My wife recently lost her job, so for now it's only me selling hot dogs

So I guess in this household, I'm the breadwiener

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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Dad joke escalation

Dad was visiting last week, talking about his household projects he did. He mentioned that he got his septic tank emptied before winter, and that 'it was a shitty job'. He then tells me that his neighbor also had to get his tank emptied, so the service truck also emptied the neighbor's tank at the same time. He smiles and says, "Well, my neighbor and I finally got our shit together!"

He said he was very proud of himself for making an original pun like that. I patted him on the shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, "I can always appreciate an organic pun."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fish-Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Not your typical dad joke, but I wanted to share.

Birthdays were always fun in our household. One of the things that I would always remember were what my dad used to do with the card envelopes. He would stuff them with confetti so that when you opened them, it would just go everywhere. He just passed recently and only after we discovered that birthday envelopes weren't the only envelopes he would do this with. Anytime he had to pay bills, he would stuff the envelope with the same sort of confetti. It just made laugh imagining the guy at the electric company opening it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Euphenomenal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
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Got my boyfriend yesterday

He's been finding staples all through the house due to his brother working on some project. When he found some yesterday he exclaimed, "Why are these all over the house?!" I replied, "I don't know, I guess you could say they're... Household staples."

He threatened to leave me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/murphyoliver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Dad jokes that don't make sense at first. But then...

My Dad would always make jokes that no one got at first and then he'd explain and the cheesiness level was off the charts. Like we'd say "Bye!" if we were leaving and he'd say "Sell!" Or if were were leaving the dinner table we'd say "call me back for dessert" and then he'd yell "Hey, back for dessert". Everytime he sees someone jogging he says "leave earlier!" When we'd ask why, he'd say "well, if they left earlier, they would have to run". That joke is family lore in our household.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
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Little brother always says this...

Whenever someone in my household asks how we're supposed to do something (carrying multiple things at once, beat a boss in a video game, clean the house before mom gets home) he always replies before anyone says anything, "very carefully."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalxForm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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One of my favorites...

I am the dad in the household. As we're passing a cemetery, I always say: "That's a pretty popular cemetery. People are just dying to get in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/likeswhiskey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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In it for the long troll... any other suggestions?

Every time the household has one of those "I love you" rounds... I say "I love lamp." The kids look at me funny and I correct myself to the appropriate-for-the-moment comment.

I look forward to them watching the classic "old" movie I've been referencing for as long as they remember. I hope they'll call me to say they finally got the joke.

Any other long-term dad-bombs I should start planting?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/morechatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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Out dad-joked during pizza prep

We were slicing olives for the pizza when my dad asked how many we needed. I chimed in "olive them". Due to the frequency of dad jokes in the household for the last 35 years, nobody reacted. However, when my mom asked "does that look good" after spreading the olives out, my dad said "Olive with that" and we all facepalmed. Well played, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XerxesDGreat
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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