A man went to the doctorโs and told him, โI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.โ
He said, โWow, thatโs the worst case of parking sonโs disease Iโve ever seen.โ
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︎ Sep 17 2020
The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Why does your nose grow in the middle of your face?
Because itโs the scenter
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say...
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︎ Apr 04 2020
I started a garden and the basil is refusing to grow.
Itโs being such a pesto.
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︎ Jun 12 2020
During this quarantine, Iโve made friends with the plants Iโm trying to grow.
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︎ Apr 03 2020
I'm scared the cops are gonna discover I've been using my cattle farm to illegally grow marijuana
The steaks have never been higher
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︎ Sep 22 2019
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
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︎ Feb 16 2020
How many apples grow on the tree?
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︎ Sep 25 2019
How do you grow the brightest tulips?
You start with a light bulb.
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︎ Nov 14 2019
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
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︎ Sep 16 2019
Why did the population of yeast grow so rapidly?
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︎ Jun 03 2019
I read the other day that an American Alligator can grow up to 15 feet!
I was shocked because Iโve never seen one with more than 4!
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︎ Feb 20 2019
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that heโd start growing a beard โtomorrowโ, but he never did.
He was a bald faced liar.
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︎ Sep 04 2019
I keep track of the all the trees that grow in my local area in a book
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︎ Aug 19 2019
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
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︎ Dec 01 2018
The farmer grows his crops.
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︎ Aug 11 2019
What do you call a secret place that grows Bananas, that you can only access through the back of a wardrobe?
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︎ Jul 29 2019
Did you hear the one about the girl who didnโt grow a butt until her thirties?
The called her Slowly-Butt Shirley
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︎ Sep 26 2018
My son told me he wants to go to the moon when he grows up
โWhat are you, a lunartic?โ
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︎ Jul 18 2019
When I grow up, I want to be the worldโs largest supplier of neodymium.
That way, I can be a magnet magnate.
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︎ Jul 20 2018
The man refused to grow a tree
Everyone said he woโodnt
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︎ Mar 26 2019
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna grow it back to you,
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︎ Jul 05 2017
I planted an acorn on the side of a hill, and it took forever to grow.
It turned out to be a real slope oak.
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︎ Mar 09 2019
In some countries they bury the dead with a bunch of bananas in hopes that a banana tree will grow.
I find it morbidly appealing.
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︎ Jul 15 2018
I can't grow hair on the side of my face
I guess I just don't have the chops
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︎ Aug 17 2015
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︎ Oct 26 2016
What type of corn grows the tallest?
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︎ Mar 08 2016
When I grow old, the 'dad jokes' I will make will be majestic...
Because they will be 'grand-dad jokes'
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︎ Oct 13 2017
Why did the potato grow a flower?
He wanted something pretty to give his best spud.
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︎ Jul 15 2017
Whats the only flower that grows on a face?
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︎ Oct 21 2016
Does a Moss-que grow in the shade?
No, it grows on the Sunni side.
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︎ Apr 23 2016
Distance makes the dadjokes grow fonder.
On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak... as I speak... as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me.
Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean.
Dad: Neither could I.
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︎ Mar 28 2015
"Hey dad, I've been noticing my facial hair grows way faster on the left side of my face. Is that normal?"
Dad (with a cheeky smile): "Oh yeah, it's because you're a leftist!"
I groaned so damn hard it's not even funny.
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︎ Aug 27 2013
Fact of the day: alligators can grow up to 15 feet
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︎ May 31 2019
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