A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the Russian drive forward?

His car was Putin reverse.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSGaming0416
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking forward to the Fall, when I can make serious money gathering leaves..

..Raked it in last year.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.

I have to know what his final answer was.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_E_L_Bawks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not looking forward to my wife having the baby

I hate meeting new people

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
People who pull forward into parking spots are living in the moment. Those who back up into the spot, are thinking about the future.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatMetalJesus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m looking forward to the new Hell’s Kitchen pasta episode

A real Al dente’s inferno

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badjayplaness
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There are so many things that I am looking forward to in the new year...

You could say that my vision is 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Im really looking forward to the new Hacking Twist in Call of Duty!

They call it Modem Warfare!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meistereder420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m very optimistic about the upcoming U.S. elections. I feel as though the country will be able to move forward with a strong, clear vision.

It is 2020, after all.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kttypo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, β€œdo u mind if I say a word?” she responds, β€œNot at all, please do.” the man stands up and says β€œplethora” and sits back down.

β€œThanks,” said the woman, β€œthat means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turboboob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Words that sound the same backwards and forwards

I started pronouncing words backwards and forwards, with slight variation in the sounds of the consonants.

Mom....mmoM.

Dad....daaD.

Poop....pooP.

Daughter: What are you doing!? *Shriveled nose face

Dad: I'm trying to think of words that sound the same backwards and forwards. Can you think of any?

Daughter: Um, no.

Dad: I'm surprised you didn't instantly think of... Sass.

(Still would work if they come up with examples as long as they don't think of sass.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickJVenture
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me if I look forward to visiting the bank.

"What do you mean? What bank?"

"You are going to Palestine..."

"Yes, and? Why would I go to a bank in Palestine?"

"The West Bank"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaywalkerr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Which language is the most forward?

Sign language, it can get a little handsy.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttackoftheUmber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
The punchline to this joke is straight, forward, and hurts

Because its a punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kortonox
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I’m not looking forward to my next appointment with the Jamaican barber.

As a matter of fact, I’m dreading it.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I always fast forward to the end of my porno.

Some would say I like to come to conclusions.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghotifett
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my legs and lean forward.

That's how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
🚨︎ report
The prosecution in the pistorius case has come forward with new evidence

The defence is stumped

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaintySload
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the trailer say to the truck when it wanted it to start driving forward?

Cargo

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefury500
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Me and my roommate go to school for woodworking and are looking forward to the lathe next semester.

I told him "I can't wait to start learning how to turn:, I then turned 90Β° to my left and exclaimed "holy crap I'm getting the hang of it already"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mackhasarack
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
🚨︎ report

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