Did you hear about the guy who grew fungi in every room in his house?
He didn't have mushroom for anything else.
According to science, one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.
So I threw Dave off a cliff, just in case it was him.
Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?
Because he couldn't resistor
Someone glued every card in the deck together, so now it's just a block of cardboard.
I'm having trouble dealing with it.
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud to kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many vampires are from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike
Could we add ‘badum-tss’ at the end of every post in here
It would be a hard hitting joke.
badum-tss
Every time I play tennis, the racket just slips out of my hand.
I’m still trying to come to grips with the problem.
Every morning me and my wife race to be the first to say the three words that are so important to every marriage.
Every time my wife looks at me in the eyes, I get rock hard
God, I hate being married to a gorgon
The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?
They had UV protection in front.
I have a friend who's a diagnosed kleptomaniac. Every time he comes over, I try to explain why I spend so much time on this subreddit, the puns in the comments are THE BEST. He never seems to get it.
It turns out he always takes things literally
I love how Pit Bull announces himself at the beginning of every song
giving us time to change the song.
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
A young nun joined a convent that required a vow of silence. However, they were allowed to write two words every year. After the first year she wrote "Bed hard." The second year she wrote "Food bad" and finally she wrote "I quit." Mother Superior responded by saying"
"I am not surprised you are quitting, you have done nothing but complain since you got here!"
The pandemic has been hard on my gym routine. I just can't seem to get back in the groove. But I did find one exercise that I can do at home every single day. Honestly, it's my favorite exercise - and I'm seeing pretty significant gains!
Why does the dyslexic farmer wake up every morning?
The first day of fall comes every year..
What does a graphic designer get every year on the day they were born?
A man with no arms and no legs climbed the bell tower of the town’s church every hour.
At the top of the hour, he would bang his face on the bell letting everyone in town know what time it was.
One night after ringing the bell he lost his balance and fell to his death on the sidewalk below.
When the police showed up, a few people were crowded around the body. One policeman asked the woman standing nearest the body, “Do you know who this man is?”
The woman replied, “No, but his face rings a bell.”
I found a lump on my neck that has gotten bigger every day for the last few weeks.
The Doctor asked if I wanted him to remove it, but I don't know.
It's kinda growing on me.
What did the reporter say after reading out every item in a tacos shop?
My father literally knows one joke, and he tells it with the same enthusiasm every time. I've heard it for the fifth time this year, so I'm gonna share it with you guys:
Did you know a moth hears with its wings?
Take a moth and tell it to fly. It will listen.
But remove its wings and tell it to fly. It does nothing.
Sorry. You see what I've got to put up with.
Every time someone imitates the knights from Monty Python, I automatically think they are a horrible person.
Did y'all hear about the German pessimist who was granted the ability to instantly shoot down every positive idea he heard?
I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.
Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
Every thing is not in the dictionary.
What’s at the centre of every industry?
I was reading some new information about the Star Wars sequel trilogy, and apparently the crew had to put out multiple infernos every time Supreme Leader Snoke was on set.
I guess the old saying is true: where there's Snoke, there's fire.
Every time I touch I get the zaps
I swear, every time I take the orange juice out I spill a little of it
Every year we rent a bounce house for my son's birthday, but lately the cost has skyrocketed.
It's mostly due to inflation.
there is a fast food canteen in the quantum physics building. every time you look at the menu it changes
I think my son is watching a new LGBTQ+ kids cartoon. At the end of every episode he says,
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
Did I every tell you about the time I wrestled a bear in my pajamas?
I still have no idea how he managed to get them on...
Every morning at the breakfast table, I tell my kids I'm going for a jog, but then I don't.
My co workers can’t stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I can’t help but say
What do you call it when a Canadian has the same gravy, cheese and French fries dish every Friday?
My first 2 weeks on the job, every time I got up from my desk I hit my head on the cabinets above me. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong
Until one day, when I finally understood.
Did you hear about the pirate who got mad every time his ship floated away?
He had to take anchor management classes.
What does a vegan get at the end of every month?
You know what the urologist would say every time his kids misbehaved?
A husband says to his wife: “The guys at golf were saying that our mailman has slept with every woman on this street except one…” His wife replies:
Every morning I get hit by the same bike…
Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle
Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle
I guess you can call it a vicious cycle
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