The Dresser Puns

Because the early bird gets a perm.

(I'll get my coat..)

It was very deep.

There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”

He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.

Clothes.

Dad: Oh good, I don't have to carry you in. Walk ins are welcome!

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

You look in the mirror and saw what you see, then saw the dresser in half.

Then you use the two halves of the dresser to make a whole, and jump through it to freedom.

My girlfriend, her parents and I were shopping for a dresser, but since its IKEA we got more, we ended up getting cups and also a lamp. The lamp set we got was called "NOT". There was an issue with the self checkout so the cashier had to come help us. As we were finishing up, the cashier told us she needed to open up the lamp box and was making sure there was everything inside. I asked her what would happen if it was NOT. She laughed, my girlfriend groaned and walked away, and her parents laughed.

I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up. The conversation ended this way: Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey" Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ---- Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!" Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan

Wife: We should take the short cut this time.

Me: Short cut? But who would want to cut things short?

Wife: ...a hair dresser?

Wow.

Him: What did the biologist say when he hit his toes on the dresser?

Me: What?

Him: Mitosis!

Her - Pointing at the dresser, "It's right where you left it."

Me - "Sorry, I couldn't remember where it was off the top of my head."

She was sorting things into a dresser and pulled out a box of nails.

"Yeah, I probably shouldn't keep nails in the sock drawer."

"Unless they're toe nails."

My friends and i were moving a heavy dresser upstairs. We would say "One, two, three, LIFT!". He watched from the bottom of the stairs and shouted, "Try countin to two now! Youll get there in half the time!"