The Confusions Puns

Not very. It makes cents.

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

When the reporter asked the doctor “how is Kim Jong Un?”

Doctor replied: Kim Jong Ill

Basically set decoration, we had a small crew. A lot of the actors and the rest of the crew were confused who was in charge of those items. Luckily, Jason was a reliable, honest guy. In fact, he was one of the most honest, dependable people I knew on set.

So that evening before we had dinner together, I called Jason to the center, and thanked him for the quality of work that he'd put out so far, and I said "Props to Jason."

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia

1-1 was a racehorse. 2-2 was one, too. 1-1 won 1 race. 2-2 won 1 too.

I always say it as fast as possible to confuse friends kids.

But they always frown when I hold the revolving door for them.

I think I might be dyslectric.

For clarification, it's butter

So God says to him "Hi Bewildered, I AM".

A eh, B eh, C eh...

He has snowballs.

Because he received guns instead of arms from his arms dealer.

She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

Because all his uncles were ants!

"That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea!"

then it hit me ( Sorry this is a repost didn't know thank you s0rrythisnameistaken for pointing it out)

Turns out two heads are better than one.

"This is the whey."

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.

“Well, it’s a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.”

The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying

“Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.”

——— Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

The man asked, "Tit for tat?"

Because zey have ze best chin

I'm sitting here scrolling reddit when my son casually strolls out of his room into the kitchen...

Him: (knocks on the fridge door)

Me: (genuinely confused) what are you doing?!?

Him: Knocking on the fridge door

Me: Why?

Him: Just in case there is salad dressing in there...

It's a lame dad joke i know, but his execution was so spot on i couldn't help but laugh out loud.

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, “Good morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”

“Okay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”

“No, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”

“Oh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. “

Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying “I think this will suffice.”

Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says “this is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, “Bob can you come in here for a second?”

“What’s up Patty?” The manager asks.

“Kermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Of course” Bob responds. “It’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

Me: No, then you wouldn't be able to see me.

Kids: [visible confusion]

Me: I'd be trans-parent.

^(Follow-up: I'm sorry to inform you that the kids perished from complications related to excessive eye rolling.)

I said yes and went to change. My wife comes in the room looking confused and says “But honey you’re already wearing your favourite golfing polo. Why are you packing extra shirts?”

To that I replied, “I always have to pack extra, in case I get a hole in one.”

It was the Fred Schneider cut. Oops!

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

Croc-a-doodle-doo

My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.

My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"

Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"

Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"

There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.

Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain

Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.

One of the common ones was went like this:

Victim: "hello?"

Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"

Victim: "yes, why?"

Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"

And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.

<ba-dum tsss>

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

that way you won't take any fall damage.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now i'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

Because all his uncles were ants.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Now I'm in hot water with the japanese mafia.

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"