The Choir Puns

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

A subwoofer

Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.

He was a little horse

..."There are 99 people in that choir."

My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?"

I replied, "They are singing >!"Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.!<"

Looks like he got in treble.

Called it "A Patella"

It was towards the end of the semester and my parents had come to my university to see my choir concert as well as pick up some of the things from my dorm I didn't need any more. I went back to my dorm to get my bicycle and the replacement tire I was supposed to put on the bike but never got around to it. To make things easier, I put the tire around my neck and across my chest so I could wheel the bike to the campus center to meet up with my family and my boyfriend. As I'm walking up to them, my dad looks me up and down and says "Are you sure that's the proper atTIRE?"

Dad: Something is wrong with that song.

Me: Lauren says it is from Rent.

Me: It's about AIDS she says.

Dad: They ought to return it.

http://i.imgur.com/7lsPNQZ.jpg

"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.

The priest replies, "you mean, a choir?"

"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to acquire a church-singing group?"

My freshman year in high school (96-97), I was in choir, and we drove up in a big coach bus to Magic Mountain for a choir competition.

Approaching San Onofre, the driver told us a "little known fact" that if you put your hand on the window while passing under those jumbo power lines coming from the plant, you can feel a moderately painful shock. Being gullible teenagers, a lot of us tried it.

We passed under, and the driver asked if we felt any pain. There were scattered replies in the negative. The diver said, "You didn't feel the window pane?"

Q: What’s does the polar bear sing in the choir?

A: Baritone

Sam sung in the choir.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

• Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

• Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

• Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

• Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

• A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

• Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

• A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

• A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

• A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

• Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

• A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

• In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

• Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

• Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

• The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

• An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

• An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

• Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

• A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go.

He told me, "As long as you're mixed, it's okay."

A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, "But I'm Chinese".

It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said.

What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now?

My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.

"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."

Couple years ago -

My now ex-girlfriend was talking about her friend Samantha and how she doesn't left the church choir to take care of her dad on weekends.

Me: oh.. so.. Sam doesn't sing anymore? Her: no. Me: so... Sam sung?

So my dad was in a choir a long time ago and the sopranos were having trouble hitting a high a in one of the songs they were doing

The director says "alright i think we'll take a break and get back to that part"

Without a beat my dad responds "i guess that would be a Hiatus"

He still tells the story of the time he told the joke like 10 years later.

We were singing Handel's "Israel in Egypt." The last movement has the line "The horse and his rider" repeated several times. Towards the end of a measure, it slows down and often people miss it and sing it up tempo. Our choir director said "The last 'rider' isn't as fast as the others."

A guy from the back cracks "That'd be why he's in last place!"

We are sitting at the dinner table after church. My sister says, "man, the choir director had me singing low today. I know I was singing lower than the tenors."

My dad without missing a beat, "Hmm. You must have been singing a niner."

I think I choked on my food from that one.

My dad pulls this every time we drive past a cementary.

"Hey did you know the guy who invented crosswords is buried out there? He's 3 up, 6 across"

Always followed by the choir of groans.

After I finished singing in my college choir for our spring concert yesterday, my dad told me, "Good job! You know, when I was your age, they once asked me to join the choir to sing tenor. 10 or 12 miles away!"

He was a little hoarse