The Casuals Puns

Attire

She gets too agitated.

"Cow was your day?"

We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."

I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...

Son: Dad, where did I come from?

Dad: From my penis, son.

Son: Uh... Thanks?

Dad: You're Whale cum

As he arrived, he decided to go fishing, so he did. But tragedy struck and his boat hit a rock, making a hole. The man, as anyone would do, called the coast guard and yelled "IM SINKING IM SINKING!"

the German Coast Guard casually replied, "what are you sinking about?"

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad.

Wife: What are you thinking?

Me: Business casual.

The tur-KEY.

Also, the key to a fun visit to the zoo is the mon-key.

And the key to a great science fiction movies is a Woo-key.

To ensure the maximum amount of eye-rolls, casually drop these into the conversation several minutes apart.

My father is fond of jokes and pranks (even though I only pretend to laugh .-.) but there's this story that I always would genuinely laugh at whenever it is brought up. So here it goes...

We've always gone to Church every Sunday when we were kids and on one of those Sundays, my father decided to make my mother laugh by shaving only HALF of his beard. So while the other side has hair, the other is shaved. He casually walked up to my mother and asked if he looked good in his "new fashion style." My mother laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.

When that was over, we got ourselves ready and went to Church. While praying, there was a bunch of people looking at my father. He noticed that as soon as he looked at those people, they'd cover their face, bow their heads and walk away. He felt weird. So he got into this 'thinking position' where he had his hands to play with his beard. And that's when he realized...HE FORGOT TO SHAVE THE OTHER HALF AT HOME AND NO ONE NOTICED UNTIL WE GOT THERE. HAHAHHAHAHA He was so embarassed, he covered his whole face until mass was over.

That's all folks. Thank you for coming to my dad talks .

Whats the difference between a man in a suit on a bike and a man in casual clothes on a tricycle?

Attire

So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.

A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. There’s no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.

After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that they’re making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.

On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar

Reading a newspaper, casually turn to my little sister and ask "can you help me with a crossword puzzle? The clue is Postman's bag"

Her: "how many letters?"

Me: "LOADS OF THEM!"

My bad mushroom pun has been avenged.

I was having dinner with my mom tonight. Burritos. As soon as I picked mine up, it ripped apart and spewed its contents all over my plate, the table, and my lap.

After I finished swearing a blue streak and started cleaning up, she just casually said:

"Well it is wrapped in a tore-tilla..."

One of the workers said, "She's inside with Miss Dinah would you like me to..." I cut her off and replied casually, "They must be in the kitchen, I know-o-o-o."

Nobody laughed but me the entire way home.

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

So my daughter is in a group that lets one kid take home a stuffed owl for a week, and write in a book about what activities they did with the owl, and return it for the next kid to take home.

This past week was her turn, and it’s due to go back tomorrow evening. So tonight while getting ready for bed I casually remind my wife that tomorrow was the deadline and to remember to write in the journal.

I say “I wrote it on the white board so that we all have a chance to remember”

She replies “You may have to text me from work “remember the owl””

So I go to the next room and text right then and there: “Remember the Owl-amo!”

I could hear an audible groan

The topic is racism. My mom, sisters, and I are talking about how racism and stereotypes are not the same while my dad just quietly eats his food. We all give some examples of stereotypes for different cultures and how they might have come about. Then there is a break in the conversation.

A break for dad to casually throw in his two cents: "Many stereo types are from Japan."

I can imagine his thoughts before saying it. Oh, I've got one for this. Come on, set me up set me up . . . yes!

Good stuff, dad.

There was a spread of meats and salads for dinner, and above the table was a light that was flickering - giving off a strobe effect.

To which the person behind me casually remarks under his breath; “Hmm, don’t mind me a bit of seizure salad”.

I thought it was great. No one else seemed to appreciate it.

This literally just happened.

Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old.

My dad goes "I guess he's Neil Old now"

Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious?

My roommate, another friend of ours, and myself were hanging out and having casual conversation when the other friend brings up how his hair is getting rather long in the back. Since he plans to keep growing it out over the summer, he just remarked that it was in "the awkward stage" and figured it'd look better as the front caught up with the back, so to speak.

Without missing a beat, my roommate quips "yeah, don't worry, just give your hair some time to mullet over!"

Anytime I would start to fall asleep while my dad was driving the back country roads. He would yell hay startling me and as soon as I gained my composer and I would ask "What?" And he would than point at a hay bail and say there is some hay over there.

Fast forward 8 or so years and I was riding in the back of are jeep with my dad and Papa (he doesn't like being called grampa) all of the sudden my papa yells son and my dad slams on the brakes in a panic asking what's wrong. He(papa) than casually points at the sun and says the suns out.

Like title says, during a commercial for Botox to treat migraines, the wife casually states.

"Psht, Migraines. I think it's all in their head."

She promptly received a high five.

So I am staying in Germany with a host family. I know little German and we all went out for lunch. I was looking at the seafood section and I took forever in deciding what I wanted, going back and forth between the salmon and the sea bass. I finally decided on the sea bass, and we order our food.

So some restaurants in Germany are a lot more casual than American restaurants, and you sometimes seat yourself and the waiter/waitress will bring the silverware and napkins to you later. So when I saw the waiter bring over a plate with silverware and napkins on it, he placed it in front of me, to which I naturally said:

"Well, I could have sworn I ordered the sea bass."

My host family literally died laughing.

We were just casually sitting in the living room when this short interaction took place:

Dad: What time would you like to have dinner?

Mom: pause Dinnertime!

Dad proceeded to roll his eyes.

He was casually picking trash up and sweeping the floor. He asked how I was doing.

I replied fine and yourself?

He responded with, "I'm good, business is always picking up."

It took me a second to catch it, then I laughed for a good minute.

We were getting chic fil a out of the car and I dropped my cup of tea and he responded without a beat.. "Whoops.. Looks like we had a casual-tea!" Total keeper :)

While my brother was eating his salad, my dad casually stated, "be careful eating so many croutons, or you could catch the croutonic plague."

I went to my regular sushi restaurant this evening, I go about once a week. Upon my check out, the kind lady was joking about how I am addicted to sushi. I casually laughed and agreed. She said it is because they use a magic powder that makes me crave their sushi. I pause and tell her "I knew there was something fishy going on here"... I can't help myself, its a problem.

During his first dinner with my family, my (now) wife's father casually complained, "I've got a problem with a few of my employees. I was crunching the numbers and noticed that they are taking 40% of their days off on Mondays and Fridays."

Eveyone else at the table stared blankly while my father cracked up. It took the rest of us a bit too long to get that dadjoke.

I was covering a cash register while the normal cashier was on break when this guy walked up to me to check out. As i was ringing him up, he casually asked, "do you think they have the 4th of July in England?" I told him "I have no idea", and he responded, "of course they do, it comes between the third and the fifth!"

I was so proud of him.

Mom: making salad

Mom: Tom, could you please dress the salad?

Me: Casually?

Mom: weird look ...yes?

Me: Are shorts and a t-shirt okay?

Mom: eye rolling ensues

/r/dadjokes I need your advice.

I was talking to my friend today, asking him about his plans. He casually told me "I might go to the gym, but probably not, I'm running late". To which I replied "Well, you can run a bit later!"

What does this mean? Am I a dad now? Has that girl I slept with at Christmas time had a baby and not told me?

Thanks for your advice!

So my mom, my dad, and I were at the grocery store for snacks to take back to school with me. My mom goes to grab a box of Cheese-Nips, and I told her that I would rather have Cheese-Its instead. Then my dad looks over at me and casually asks me, "What's the matter, son? You don't like nips?"

I'm walking to my car and pass my dad as he's doing some yardwork with the leaf-blower. I casually say, "I'm leaving." Instantaneously he replies, "Me too!" and goes about his business.

My husband & myself having a casual conversation about rice.

Me: remember when I made that real good rice at the chili cook-off?

Him: uh, yeah sure, I guess.

Me: everyone said they liked it & It was the only rice there!

him: oh. I don't like rice. I'm a ricist.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guide: (broken english) "There is a lot of grass in this area because...[good reason]."

Dad: (to me, but loud enough for everyone to hear) "You know what the locals call that...?"

Me: "No, what?"

Dad: "Muchas gracias!" (followed by the biggest grin I've ever seen)

Guide: (confused) "De nada..."

My family quickly and casually disassociates before seeing other families face palm for us.

I was the only one who laughed...

I work at Goodwill, and while I was working register a customer came up to pay.

He placed a frying pan on the counter, and casually said, "Hey man. What's cooking?"

His significant other just rolled her eyes and walked off. We laughed like maniacs.

When asked what he would be having he casually answered "I think I'll try the halibut. Just for the hell of it."

My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -

It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."

Attire