"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
They call it mourning wood.
Is that you coffin?
...and then the coffin stopped.
...was that you Coffin ?
βOpen casket or closedβ asked the Funeral Director.
βYesβ replied SchrΓΆdingerβs Widow.
Because he couldn't stop coffin!
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
BUMPβ¦
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Fasterβ¦
Fasterβ¦
FASTERβ¦
Bumpβ¦
Bumpβ¦
BUMPβ¦
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
Andβ¦
The coffin stopsβ¦.
Is that you coffin?
H/T to /u/ctp2nd for the early morning phone call dad joke.
Is that you coffin?
The first one was for when I got on board. Here's the one from when I was getting off the bus: What did one strawberry say to the other? If you weren't so sweet we wouldn't be in this jam!
He's a fantastic bus driver.
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.
The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.
After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.
"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.
"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."
"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"
The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
There was an open casket at the funeral, but no one looked. They were just there to read the articles.
A relative was telling a story about a friend that she knew who was allergic to formaldehyde. My wife asked what would happen when the person died..then quickly added "I guess it wouldn't matter then..." And I said "but when they embalm her and put her in the casket will she break out?"
My dad and I were in the receiving line at the calling hours for a friend of mine. Grateful Dead and all things related, including LSD, were at the core of the friendship between my dad and my friend. As my dad reaches the last family member and attempts to kneel at his casket, his foot catches the upturned corner of the carpet. My dad whispers to me, "Trippin' with Jared one last time!"
I took one to my girlfriend, went down to one knee, presented the little black casket. I said, "Jamie, would you bury me?"
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
I was driving my younger sister to one of her youth group meetings earlier today and I talked about how I had first seen a funeral procession that morning on the day to school. I started asking several rhetorical questions such as:
-
"Where was the casket? I didn't see one carried by any of the vehicles."
-
"What cemetery are they going to?"
But now here comes the gold...
"It was a long procession...I'm sure (s)he was loved." Turns toward her "Do you know what the stages of grief are? It's weird how we say the human experience is unique for everyone, but almost everyone mourns in the same way. Do you know what happens after the mourning?"
I sat there in awe after having quivered before the dad-joke incarnate in front of me when I hear in response:
"Why of course, the afternoon silly!"
Edit: I accidentally a format
So my dad really wanted to show me this email he sent out earlier today. His customer was some Casket/Coffin company. He took a screenshot on the status through Salesforce and the status said "0-Dead"
All the body of the email had was that screenshot and my dad typed "what else did you expect?"
Is that you coffin?
Is that you coughinβ?
Why you coffin?
Is that you coffin?
..is that you coffin?
Is that you coffin (coughing)
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him
A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:
thump...
thump...
thump...
Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
THUMP...
THUMP...
THUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
THUMP...
THUMP...
THUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Clappity-THUMP...
Clappity-THUMP...
Clappity-THUMP...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
