Have you heard the rumour about butter?

Never mind, I probably shouldn't spread it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxtheAnxiousDog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
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Dad jokes in the wild: I was shopping at a grocery store and a young kid was restocking bricks of butter, and he dropped a couple right in front of me…

I said β€œwoah, Butter fingers!”

I was pushing my daughter in a stroller and The young girl he was working with snorted and said β€œat least you’re a dad, you’re allowed to make bad jokes”

Proud moment.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2021
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I usually shave every day. But after letting go for a few weeks... I don't know, the beard is growing on me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thomas-Omalley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
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Did you hear about the peanut butter and jelly sandwich convention?

It was a super spreader event.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shot_collar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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I hate when I drop butter on the floor.

It always lands butter side down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kman-banana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2021
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Since a pound cake uses a pound of each ingredient (butter, sugar, eggs, and flour), if you reduce the ratio to a cup of each ingredient, would you be making a cup cake?

Thoughts?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoraBaiSings
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2021
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Have you heard the gossip about the butter.

I would tell you but I don't want to spread it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbht246
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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My dad's just lost his job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery.

Apparently, it's due to all the cut backs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2021
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What's it called when there's no peanut butter in the middle?

Reesish

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2022
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I was in a grocery store when a man started to throw cheese,butter and yoghurt at me.

How Dairy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berkleysquare
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
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What did the peanut butter say to the jam?

Are you jelly?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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Do Flies Shave?

No, but bees wax.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BogusMacaroon96
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
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That was a clothes shave...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrsidaeClay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2021
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For this Holiday season, I'm giving peanut butter jars as presents. when the recipient opens the box, I say

The GIF is JIF.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-DaneelOlivaw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2021
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I thought you said you were gonna shave your mustache?

I know and I was but it's growing on me...

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
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How do NASA scientists get such a close shave?

Simple, they use the Stubble Telescope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkullLeader
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
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I always bring a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter with me when I go on a road trip.

I want to be prepared incase there's a traffic Jam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BARGOBLEN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
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If a gang of clowns is coming for you and all you have is a butter knife,

you need to go for the juggler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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A close shave...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Tesla’s newest eco-friendly car concept? It runs on peanut butter.

There are still a few bugs to work out. It keeps sticking to the roof of the garage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eroe777
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2022
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What do you call a man who shaves 20 times a day?

A barber.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2021
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What do you get when you shave Don Henley’s head?

A bald eagle

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
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A nervous teenage stick of butter approached his parents because he felt very clarified lately.

He sat his parents down and muttered: "mom, dad, I'm ghee".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2021
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A close shave...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2021
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What do you say about the butter on a winning streak?

He's on a roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2021
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Butter knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brick_in_the_dbol
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2021
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Dad joke on my wife. I showed her a stick of butter.

I showed her a stick of butter. I asked her if it was butter. She said that it was. I asked her if she was sure. She took it from my hand and started looking closer at it. She studied the label. Then handed it back saying that it was in fact butter. I said, "Good! I am just clarifying it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei_920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2021
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What do you call a bottle of ketchup waiting to get it's beard shaved?

A barber-queue sauce!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/An_ANdrew2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2022
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I'm 40 and have never had any facial hair. Decided a couple weeks ago to grow a goatee. My wife keeps asking me to shave cuz she doesn't like it

But it's growing on me.

  • I know some iteration of this joke is posted all the time on here but it's actually true for me and made me chuckle this morning
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2021
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What does the butter become when you throw it in the air?

A butterfly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/namaewaSora
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2021
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You hear the latest rumor about butter?

I'd tell you, but I don't want to spread it.

(I had a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blucher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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You butter believe it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeirdWriterGuy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2021
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What happens when butter and oil get along?

Then they are a-grease-d

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sylversylvan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2021
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I threw a stick of butter out the window in front of my family.

I said, "look at that butterfly!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dragonheart527
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2021
🚨︎ report
An explosion happened at the butter factory.

It's Churnobyl all over again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Htimsxnhoj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2021
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One direction fans don't like a fully shaved head.

they prefer hairy styles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hokusaijunior
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2021
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why did a man throw butter and a clock out the window

to see time slip away

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2021
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They say the ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster.

Modern historians call it balderdash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the rumour about butter?

Never mind, I'm not going to spread it.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_C0mm0ner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leftythebunnyz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2021
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What do you call a man that shaves ten times a day?

A barber.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yomommafool
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the gossip about the butter ?

Actually no, I shouldn't spread it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Next-Winner-1240
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to spread it!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2021
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Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Well I’m not going to spread it

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/69Owiredu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard that rumour about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notalebo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the rumour about butter?

Well I'm not spreading it

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makunahatata27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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