Is this lotion forskin?
It takes a lot of Gaul
And once a month... It’s shark week.
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
That was the punchline
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Attire
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
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The direction the first letter faces
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..
Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.
Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.
But Bill kept the Windows
You look for the fresh prints!
Bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
"Ammonia cleaner." She replied. I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here."
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Bob
Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.
She had Acapulco-lips.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
"Sir!! This is a liquor store "
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years...
These zoo meetings are really taking off.
One's meaty, the other's a little meteor
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
The bartender says, “pal, if you want punch, you’ll need to get in line.”
The guy looks around and there is no punch line.
They’re both Paris sites
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...
Good thymes.
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
Ass skin for a friend
"Can't turn that down."
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
A bird can still tweet.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Attire.
Because 10+10 is 20 and 11+11 is 20 too
