The Beer Orders Puns

The third time the bar tender asks why he does that. He said he comes every year on his dead brother’s birthday and has drink for himself and his brother. The next year he only ordered one beer, the bar tender was confused and asked why he only ordered one. He replied “I stopped drinking.”

A mop.

He was a flightless bird.

The bartender says, “Take a pitcher. It’ll last longer.”

. "Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot." "Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."

"Ship just got reel."

"Holy shit, a talking horse!"

So I had him put it in a square glass.

No I have enough to carry as it is...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My wife and I really got into it last night. She's disgusted about the way I raised my daughter," the guy says. "Especially as I only had a pair of sevens."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "The horn quit working on my car," the guy tells the bartender. "I was going to take it to the shop, but this boy scout down the road said he fixed cars as a hobby and offered to do it. Hey, here he is already." The boy scout walks into the bar and hands the car keys back to the guy. "Beep repaired," the boy scout says.

A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new" the bartender asks. "My owners got mad at me because I kept chasing people on a bike. So they took my bike away. So then I had nothing to do but stand around in the yard and bark. So they gave me my bike back," the dog says. "Apparently my bark is worse than my bike."

A scientist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what kind of scientist are you?" the bartender asks. "I'm a microbiologist," the scientist replies. "Oh," the bartender says. "You're a lot bigger than I imagined."

A doctor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey doc, I've always wondered ... is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" the bartender asks. "Or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him, looks him over and says, "I think you have an iron deficiency." "What?" the guy exclaims. "You can tell something like that just from looking at me?" "Yes," the bartender replies. "Your clothes are really wrinkled."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. A woman walks over to him and asks, "Is this seat taken?" The guy looks down and replies, "No, it's still there."

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer. He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

A small business owner walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's business?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. We had quite a fiasco this week. I had a shipment come in containing 100 high-quality T-shirts that featured a glow-in-the-dark design of a 100 dollar bill on the front. They looked really cool in the catalog when we ordered them, but we didn't sell a single one all week," the business owner complains. "I guess it's true. Money doesn't glow on T's. "

A guy walks into his usual bar and orders a beer. He notices a full suit of armor standing on display by the bar. "Where did you get that?" the guy asks the bartender. "I picked it up at an antique store downtown," the bartender says. "It only cost $2,500." "Geez, all that money for a knight?" the guy exclaims. "Oh, no," the bartender hastens to reassure him. "You get to keep it forever."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My doctor told me to start watching what I eat," the guy says. "So I bought tickets to the rodeo."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, when I was a little kid I had a rare disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive," he tells the bartender. "I've never heard of a disease like that," the bartender says. "I hadn't either," the guy says. "I'm lucky I had an older brother to tell me about it."

Everybody in the bar fell silent and averted their attention. The pink piece of concrete ordered a drink. The bartender was shaking as he poured his beer. The pink piece of concrete looked around, nobody meeting his gaze, drank his beer in one glug and left.

The normal ambience resumed.

"Youv'e got to watch out for him" Tarmac said to Asphalt, "hes a cycle-path!"

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and settles down to study a book. "What are you reading?" the bartender asks. "It's a guide to learning to speak Russian," the guy replies. "I've been studying hard because I really want to get fluent." "Well good for you. What made you decide to learn Russian?" the bartender asks. "Well the wife and I just adopted a baby from Russia," the guy replies. "And I figure he's going to start talking in about a year, and we just want to be able to understand him."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a bratwurst. "What do you think is the best thing to put on a hot dog?" he asks the bartender. "Probably cold water, to cool him down," the bartender replies.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new with you?" the bartender asks. "Well I just opened a new casino for dogs. They can play poker, black jack, roulette... almost all the games," the guy says. "They have to go outside for craps, though."

Cary Elwes walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Oh, wow! 'Princess Bride' is one of my favorite movies," the bartender gushes. "Can you tell me any of the behind the scenes secrets?" "Well a little known fact is that they almost made a sequel. But they scrapped it because Wesley and Buttercup were unable to have children," Elwes said. "She was inconceivable."

One evening, three strings are hanging out looking for something to do. They eventually decide to go to the local pub for a beer. Before walking in, one string says, “Wait a moment…I heard that they don’t serve strings here…we better find something else to do”.

“Nonsense!”, says the first string. “Just follow me.”

They walk in and approach the bar. The first string confidently says, “Good evening sir. May I please order three beers for me and my mates?”.

The bartender looks at them dubiously and asks, “Wait a second….aren’t you strings?”.

The strings nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here…Get out!”.

The strings dejectedly walk back onto the street, and the second string says, “Hey I’ve got an idea. Follow me”.

They walk back up to the bar and the second string says, “Good evening sir. I’d like to order three beers, plus drinks on the house for everyone!”.

A small cheer goes up among the other bar patrons, and the bartender smiles and turns to fill the order, but then stops. “Wait a minute…aren’t you strings?”, he asks.

Again, they nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here….Get out, and don’t come back!”.

The strings slink back out once again. At this point, the third string says, “I’ve got it!”.

He flips upside down and rubs his head on the sidewalk until it’s sticking up all willy nilly, and ties himself into a knot. He then strides up to the bar and says, “Bartender! Get me a beer!”.

The bartender looks at him and asks, “Aren’t you a string?”.

The string then stares him straight in the eyes and says, “I’m a frayed knot”.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a burger. "Not eating at home tonight?" the bartender asks. "Well the wife's cooking is incredible," the guy replies. "With a silent 'cr' ."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My wife has really been nagging me about the need to start recycling. Seems like a bit of trouble, but I finally decided to make her happy," the guy tells the bartender. "So I bought a used Harley."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "Hot wings! Because everyone loves hot wings," the bartender enthuses. "Seriously, can you name anyone that doesn't love hot wings?" "Icarus," the guy replies.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I had an interesting drink the other day at that cafe down the street," he tells the bartender. "It was a tea made by steeping a book in hot water." "How was it?" the bartender asks. "It was okay, but I probably won't have it again," the guy says. "It was just a novelty."

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate it when you've looked absolutely everywhere and still can't find your charger," he complains to the bartender. "Especially when you're up next in a jousting competition."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just put my entire paycheck on a racehorse," he tells the bartender. "You're kidding. What happened?" the bartender asked. "Not much," the guy says. "He just stood there in his stall looking confused."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You guys should really turn the music down in here. I can't even hear myself think," the guy complains to the bartender. "Thanks. That's sound advice," the bartender replies.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just saw 'Batman' shampoo in Wal-Mart today," the guy says. "Well, I certainly hope they come out with 'Conditioner Gordon' to go with it," the bartender replies.

A guy walks into a bar and orders just a plain old normal beer. "I couldn't wait to get out of the house and around normal foods and drinks again. My wife started one of those tropical fruit juice diets for the New Year. The house is completely full of the stuff," the guy complains. "It's enough to make a mango crazy."

A farm kid who works for his folks on the family farm during breaks from college walks into a bar and gets a seat next to a well to do looking woman in a white lab coat. "Hello there," he greets her in a friendly manner as he orders a beer. "That's a neat looking coat. Are you a doctor or something?" "I'm a druggist at the local apothecary," she says. "Oh, wow!" the young man says. "You and I have basically the same jobs!" "I hardly think so," she replies looking the young kid over. "Sure we do," he continues. "You're a pharmacist, and I'm a farm assist!"

A guy walks into a bar carrying a potted plant and orders a beer. "What've you got there?" the bartender asks. "It's a Venus flytrap. But I think it's defective, do you want it?" the guy tells the bartender. "What's wrong with it?" the bartender asks. "When I bought it, the label said that the plant will 'Eat bugs and flies,'" the guy replies. "That thing hasn't left its pot once."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He can't help but notice that a few chairs down there is a slug drinking a beer. "Hey, did you know you have a slug in your bar?" he whispers to the bartender. "Oh, him? That's not a slug. That's actually a snail," the bartender says. "He's just gone through a difficult divorce."

Bartender says: Sorry, we dont serve food here.

Which came the reply "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."