The Apartments Puns

"Sir!! This is a liquor store "

damn flat earthers

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

Have a great day at work hunny.

He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”

They ruled it llamacide!

Because they were not tenants.

Then it clicked.

That was wrong on so many levels.

Today I found this one.

Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)

Pair of dice, LOST.

But that’s another story.

I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.

He had a complex complex complex

I replied, "Notable."

Get off me homes!

“Yes, but that’s another story.”

I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.

They said they are sending a swat team.

I guess he’s got a sound argument.

Nobody like high maintenance women.

I knocked on her door and said, "Please keep it down!"

He believes there’s nothing like the greyed-out doors.

I've been living under a rock

The details are sketchy.

Courtsey - Plague Inc.

But I cooked it in a minute flat.

It was called The Rascal Flatts.

You just ask for the bass-line model.

There isn't mush-room

and got a text from my dad:

Dad: "Do you guys need a cheese grater?"

Me: "No. We already have one."

Dad: "Grate!"

I said, to him and his new wife, "But I thought you already had a housewarming. His wife almost snotted herself over it. We're good friends to this day.

Me, "how much water are they gonna put in there!? You can't even read the footage!"

Friend's sister, "you don't read footage, you watch it."

Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.

They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.

While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.

I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."

The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"

Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".

He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.