So I hit him right between the eyes
When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.
The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"
The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)
I’ve got mad diss-abilities yo.
Well he didn't know what was wrong with him, but this dude obviously had a diss-ability.
We start talking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
"He must be a king." "How do you know?" "He 'asn't got shit all over 'im."
Dad says "CSI:Medieval!"
He laughed at his own joke so hard I thought he was going to hurt himself.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
All he did was talk shit
Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs
Me: Ok but i talk a lot of shit when I’m high
So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.
I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.
I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?
I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,
"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"
To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"
He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."
And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.
She still won't talk to him.
"Well your voice has changed, but your breath still smells the same!"
First muffin: man it’s hot in here
Second muffin: holy shit a talking muffin!
Edit for formatting, us dads like a good format
"Your voice changed, but your breath's the same". -dad
I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book.
Me: "Good morning, brother."
Him: "Hey, hey."
Me: "I missed you man, how you been?"
Him: "I've been right here, you need to aim better. -Flips page- ...But I've been good."
EDIT: Formatting.
shit-talk-e mushrooms
He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work...
Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting...
Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking.
"Holy shit, a talking horse!"
While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed:
Dad: Did you say something?
Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit.
Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it.
I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count.
TLDR: farted and said "there's an asshole behind me talking shit"
Hey! Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?!
“ I did not like that poop.” She said
I replied, “ Why, was it talking shit to you?”
Dad was visiting last week, talking about his household projects he did. He mentioned that he got his septic tank emptied before winter, and that 'it was a shitty job'. He then tells me that his neighbor also had to get his tank emptied, so the service truck also emptied the neighbor's tank at the same time. He smiles and says, "Well, my neighbor and I finally got our shit together!"
He said he was very proud of himself for making an original pun like that. I patted him on the shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, "I can always appreciate an organic pun."
One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."
groan.
TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.
edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...
"Hey,who's the asshole talking shit!"
Never gets old.
My sister was talking about how the Atlantic has shit weather, because it's mad that's it's not as big as the Pacific.
My wife replies, "it throws temperature tantrums".
So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with:
If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak?
She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less "I thought you loved me!". I laugh even harder. "You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that? When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of".
Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D
My father and I were talking about Standing Rock and he says to me "It is such a shame what they are doing to those poor people, I had a Native American friend back when I worked a summer repairing light fixtures, his name was Many Hands." It took me a second to notice the shit eating grin on his face, I already knew I was going to have to hold my nose and flee the room when he says, "You know, because Many Hands makes light work."
In class he was talking about the importance of hands-on, empirical research and says "I was reading your bios and realized you all are from Missouri". Everyone looked around because no one in the class was from Mizzou. He then developed a shit-eating grin and yelled "The show-me state! Missouri is the show-me state!"...ughhh
(Talking about my Thanksgiving food baby)
Me - Yep, future grandchild right here!
Dad - I always knew it'd be a little shit.
Because no one wanted to hear someone talk shit on stage. (OC)
After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed "oh! We need sticks!" referring to kindling to start the fire.
In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out "Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!"
Then, with a shit eating grin, I said "Is that enough Styx for ya!?"
Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter.
Talking to friend about work, and how he's having some issues. I ask what's wrong, and he starts to reply
Him: Well... Me: That's a pretty deep subject.
Shits and giggles from me
My dad likes to toss things in the house. Ask him for a soda? Catch! Need mayo on your sandwich? Heads up! You get the idea.
Last night the family was in a rush to get dinner on the table, so needless to say food was flying. My younger brother was at the table catching things and putting them on the table while my dad stood at the fridge throwin' shit. I guess my dad threw the barbecue sauce to early because my brother wasn't ready and it made impact right in the family jewels.
Brother (on the floor): Dad, you got me right in the balls!
Dad: Oh I did?
Bro is now doing that thing where you're in pain and you're talking while gritting your teeth/ holding your breath.
Brother: Yes! The barbecue sauce. Right on the dick.
Dad: Well which was it, did I hit your balls or your dick?
Brother: Same difference!!
Dad: No no no, there's a vas deferens between the two.
Me: God damnit dad, that's perfect. I'm using that.
So here I am, using it.
Went in to the docs office and told them I wanted to talk shit.
So I was talking to my friend today and this happened:
"Blah...blah.... blah.... I'm really struggling with this class that I'm taking right now. And frankly put..... I need to get my shit together."
As soon as I've finished my sentence, he immediately replied with: "That's what Frank would've said."
It made me chuckled a little bit and I instantly thought of this subreddit.
I was listening to NPR, and the host was interviewing some astro science major, talking about Steven Hawking's black hole theory.
Then the host asks "what are gravity waves?" During the guests NPR require pause, I said aloud to myself "...this is some heavy shit."
At dinner before senior prom (not recent) my girlfriend and her friends and I were all talking about how excited were to eat because of how little food we had had earlier that day. I said that I only had two hotdogs, and one of her friends said that she only had some leftovers, to which my girlfriend replied, "Yeah, I only had half my Olive Garden... So like a lot of olives." I lost my shit.
My friend: "I'll be thinking about you when I'm talking a poop" Me: "why, because I'm the shit"
My wife and I were hanging out in our room when the cat walked in. I looked at it and told her to give us some privacy, and she left. I said to my wife "oh shit, she knows English! She's a spy!" My wife goes "yeah, I think she's a plant." Without thinking, I replied "nope, she's a cat." Now my wife refuses to acknowledge me when I talk. Worth it.
edit: derp typo
One turns to the other and say “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”
The other replied “Holy shit a talking muffin!”
There are these two muffins in an over baking and one muffin says, "Whew, it hot as hell in here". The first muffin looks at him and says, "Holy Shit!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
Me: But I talk shit when I'm high
The other replies "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
One of them said; "Gee, it's getting really hot in here"
The other muffin replied; "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
