My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
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︎ Feb 04 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
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︎ Dec 03 2020
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
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︎ Nov 08 2020
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.
No idea why the school hired him.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
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︎ Nov 24 2020
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop the Star Wars puns.
Divorce is strong with this one.
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︎ Oct 11 2020
My friends said theyโd un-friend if I wasnโt a Trump supporter
I told them โBi-denโ.
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︎ Oct 09 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
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︎ Nov 25 2020
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I swear stairs are gonna be my d o w n fall, the way they keep s t a i r i n g at me...
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︎ Feb 06 2020
My imterviewer asked me why I put A, C, D, E, I, M, N, O, R, and T on my application.
I told him they were the letters of recommendation.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Thereโs a new drug going around that is nicknamed โangleโ. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and donโt want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess Iโm just too square to try angle.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Oct 17 2020
I was on a game show and the final question was "What do you call a 3D painting made out of plaster?" I couldn't think of the answer and I was worried I'd lose all of the money. Then I got it right!
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing โI'm a Believerโ..
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︎ Apr 01 2020
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
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︎ Apr 06 2020
My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice
I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer...
PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?
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︎ Aug 21 2018
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
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︎ Jan 12 2020
How'd they work out the thief was a T-Rex?
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︎ May 12 2020
I wasnโt sure if Iโd like my new Karate class.
But I'm getting a kick out of it.
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︎ Mar 02 2020
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on high conflict personalities I'd ordered still wasn't in.
"It's not our fault" said the librarian,
"That's the one" I replied.
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︎ Jun 04 2020
But I don't think you'd get it.
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel,
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︎ May 12 2020
I wasn't sure I'd like my quarantine beard
but I can say it's definitely grown on me.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
I'd be Lyon if I said I didn't find that funny.
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︎ Oct 27 2018
For father's day breakfast, my daughter promised she'd make pancakes. Then she said she wouldn't. Then she said she would. Then she said she wouldn't.
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︎ Jan 24 2020
My wife didnโt think Iโd give our daughter a silly name.
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︎ Jun 21 2019
I didn't think I'd like being the host of a parasite...
But it's really grown on me.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
Can I play World War Z without having played World War A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X and Y before?
/r/ShouldIbuythisgame/comโฆ
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︎ Mar 27 2020
You don't often see "turtles" spelled T-U-R-D-l-e-s
because they're an endangered feces
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︎ Jan 12 2020
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
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︎ Sep 30 2018
Of course, V=D/T
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︎ Apr 25 2019
A mechanic fell asleep and was crushed when another mechanic didnโt see him and lowered the lift. Cause of death? He was tireโd.
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︎ Oct 06 2019
I didn't know I'd turned down the wrong street in Mexico...
Til I got pulled over for wrong direction on a Juan way street.
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︎ Sep 29 2019
If we didnโt have the right to bare arms, Iโd be a fugitive
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︎ Dec 28 2018
I'd like to tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids.
๐︎ 562
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︎ Jan 13 2018
My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for "obstructive".
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︎ Jul 31 2019
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
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︎ Dec 11 2019
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a Believer."
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︎ Mar 06 2020
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer"...
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︎ Apr 26 2020
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'...
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︎ May 10 2019
My wife didnโt think Iโd give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
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︎ Dec 11 2018
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
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︎ Sep 16 2019
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