I had a splinter once.

But then it got out of hand

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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β€œI think I’ve got a splinter!”

Dad: Are you sure it’s not a shredder?

(TMNT reference)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UberCoolPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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If Splinter were to make a funny joke. I could see Michelangelo saying "That was such a Sewer Grate Joke"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wdntuliketokno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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I don’t know about you guys but I hate splinters.

They are always getting under my skin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueboy9120
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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I had a splinter once

It eventually got out of hand

Source: "Oathbringer: the stromlight archive" by Brandon Sanderson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kolonolok
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Splinter?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcuteAngleCloud
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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What do you call a cowboy with splinters in his gums?

Clint Eatswood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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iPhone user plays "Splinter Cell"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncman11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Told my daughter I got a splinter...

It really got out of hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreamtruq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2017
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What would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Master Splinter if they had become brake specialists instead of ninjas?

Master Cylinder

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fubarfrank
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Have you heard of this terrorist group using wooden weapons?

They're a splinter cell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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The irony of using floss to remove previously used floss is not lost on me.

And that's the tooth of the matter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Here's another pun pic. Post your guess in the comments! imgur.com/EEUl34t
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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I'm in love with a tiny piece of wood.

My love is a mini splintered thing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cssnow52
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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I'm going to pass out

Backstory: Dad gets splinter, mom asks me to hold flash light, I start to get the feeling that I am about to pass out (ears ringing, tunnel vision, light headed.)

Me: Sorry I couldn't be of help, I was about to pass out, my ears starting ringing...

Dad:...Your ears started ringing?

Me: Yeah...

Dad: Well did you pick em up?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kittehluh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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My co-worker texted me 30 minutes before her shift

Her:"Hey, I'll be late. I had to meet with the fucking board."

Me: "I hope you didn't get a splinter in your pussy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rock2MyBeat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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I just dad joked a veteran.

I got a splinter in my foot today, and was making a huge deal about it until my mom finally helped me out and removed it.
My grandpa: "So how much did they have to amputate?"
Me (pointing to my heel): "About a foot."
cue groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoenix_Fury7
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2014
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I had a splinter once.

It eventually got out of hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kane_da
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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I once had a splinter

It eventually got out of hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/altgenetics
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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