Slow living Puns

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”

“Why not?!”

“Because you can’t rush Art.”

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

A stop sign appears in the distance, but a little bit before the stop sign is a yellow sign indicating a Deaf Child lives on that street.

Being the good son I am, I indicate to my father: Dad, a deaf child lives nearby, so slow down.

caps indicates shouting

Dad: WHAT

Me:...a deaf child lives nearby, slow down...

Dad: WHAT

I look to my brother in the back seat, and he shrugs. I look forward and try to forget what just happened.

My dad bursts out laughing: I can't believe you fell for that twice! That's HILARIOUS!

There's a Russian fellow that lives in Beaver. His name is Urin Pavlovic. Today he was headed north and I was behind him. He started driving slow and erratic. Now I'll have to talk to my doctor. I had a problem passing Urin.