The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
A bye five.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
It improves division
Did this one on my friend, and she slapped me in the head.
Me: I got two jokes for you
Her: Okay, try it
Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Her: Dunno
Me: To get to the house of the person who finally understood the joke
Her: I don't get it
Me: You don't? Isn't it obvious?
Her: No. I don't get it
Me: Okay okay, let me try the other joke
Her: Go ahead
Me: Knock Knock
Her: Who's there?
Me: The Chicken
Her *slap*
So I figure this is a regular occurrence for people, and idk if anyone's posted about it before (if so my bad), but y'all ever get real worked up about gnats?
Like,
- It's not a mosquit-hoe.
- Still wants to bug me anyway.
- Can't call 911, so who do you call? S.W.A.T.?
- You can slap your knees as much as you want but it doesn't get any funnier.
- You might wonder if the gnat's a bit buzzed.
Sorry if these puns are so bad they fly over your head. Sometimes you just gotta wing it. 😉
Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re
... keep reading on reddit ➡Edit: get consent people
"Mr. Rock, may I slap your behind for the sake of an amazing pun that the people will remember for years to come"
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
The Potassium Potassium Potassium
That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.
“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.
“At school!” His son replies.
The robot slaps the boy.
“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.
“What were you doing there?
“Reading comics!”
The robot slaps the son again.
“Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...”
“What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims.
The robot quickly slaps him.
His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“
The robot slaps the wife.
There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.
Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.
I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy.
They always tell me, "I'm hungry."
I respond with, "I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry."
The five year old laughs and responds with, "Could you please make me something to eat." He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, "I'm hungry."
Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. "Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat."
Noah pauses and says, "Please Daddy. I'm hungry" Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, "No baby Noah you're not hungry." Noah looks confused and says, "I'm not?"
I couldn't stop laughing.
It was a real slap in the faith.
GF: I like your forearms.
Me: I only have two.
I had to explain it, but then she slapped her forehead. I know, she only has one.
It’s twirly!! 🤣😂🤣 (Slapping my knee)
It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!
… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes
[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]
Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:
January:
-
Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes
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Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes
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An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes
February:
-
Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes
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My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes
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When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes
March:
-
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes
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Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.
-
[When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da
I told her it was a Freudian Slap
A Dictator
-my dad told me that growing up and I still get a knee slap out of it
My friend was wearing a t-shirt with some wording on the back. One of the words had the letter b in it. His uncle slapped him on the back and said "sorry, there was a b on your back". All I could think was, "this guy gets it, he knows humor"
A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.
you could say it
BURNS WITH DESIRE
slaps knee
It was hit and away...get it, "hidden" away knee slap
... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."
I threw a light bulb in the glove compartment of my car, because it had burnt out at work, i'd swapped it, and put it in my pocket. I had put a black X on it in sharpie to mark it as bad. Some months later, someone was digging and found it. He asked me why i left it in the glove box, and i told him "yeah, i guess that's a bad idea." He slapped me at the next red light.
We divided into groups and the lab was to use the measured volume and diameter of various spheres to find our own approximation of pi. So we had to use marbles and some ball bearings. We get to our station to start measuring when a girl in my group says:
Her:"Hey, where'd the blue marble go?"
Me: "I don't know. It'll be fine though, so don't... lose your marbles"
Her:nearly slaps me
I said it a few times that class, and when some other group dropped a marble down the drain I said it loud enough to get a groan from the whole class.
She responded "No, it's called Eureka".
I replied "That's what I said, Myreka..."
She slapped my arm a couple of times, but it was worth it...
A while back my parents had a night out and they'd mentioned they would probably go to a movie, so when they got home I asked them which one they saw:
Mom: That Stephen King one, The Mist, I think.
Me: I wanted to see that sometime, how was it?
Dad: It was entertaining, but to be honest I thought it might have been a little over cast.
-Cue boisterous laughter and counter top slapping-
You know there's a lot of standing up and sitting down during services. When my uncle stood up, the woman in front of him turned around and slapped him in the face. And then she did it again. I heard he was then banned from church.
Later on I asked him what had happened and he said, "Well, when we stood up, I noticed her skirt was in a wedgie so I pulled it out. Then she slapped me. So I put it back."
And that is why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore.
He was explaining how he didn't want to sell his apartment because the building it was in was really solid;
Him: "It's just really sturdy. It has no faults, you know. It has no flaws"
Me: "NO FLOORS?! THEN WHAT DO YOU STAND ON?!"
I then proceeded to slap my leg and laugh good and hard.
A customer was interested in a jacket that was on clearance. It was missing its tag, and was the last of its kind. My coworker did some digging and found the model name. A while later, I asked him about the jacket
Me: So this jacket is called the Countdown?
Coworker: Yeah
Me: And this is the last one?
Coworker: Yeah
Me: Oh, so this is the Final Countdown!
My coworker groaned loudly and slapped his face with the palm of his hand.
Me: "My ear has been ringing for like 5 minutes it's driving me nuts" Dad: "Well why don't you answer it"
Forehead slap
One of the galleries had an air conditioner in it. I pointed to it and said "I like this piece, it's very cool."
She groaned and slapped me for it.
I was at my parent's place picking up my little munchkin, when my dad walks up grinning from ear to ear.
Dad: "Hey son, I came up with a new million dollar idea! Want to hear it?"
Me (already rolling eyes): "Sure let's hea--"
Dad: "Well you invent a device that lets you paint pictures on a TV with a remote control. You know, really explore your creativity!"
"I call it Mozart."
He then snorted and slapped his knee.
So I asked my dad (a pretty good cook) how to properly grill chicken. His response:
In a basement cement block room, with a locked door, place a chair under a bright light. Have the chicken sit in the chair and aggressively ask it probing questions.
If it doesn't give honest answers, slap it around a little.
We were camping and setting up a tent thing to cover our food.
her: i wonder which way the rain will fall (meaning which side it'll hit)
me: ...uhh down?
her: ...wow
mom: go ahead and slap him
I'm getting my lunch ready this morning before I leave for work and as I'm pouring it into a plastic container, I ask my mum what type it is.
"It's potato and leek" she replies
"So if it spills everywhere, you know why"
Cue groans and slapping of foreheads from mum and I
Waiter: And how would you like your steak cooked, sir?
Grandpa: Well I'd like them to cut it's horns off and slap it's ass to send it on out!
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
