Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 24k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiβd cos I canβt say no to it
π︎ 383
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
One astronaut says to another βI canβt find any milk for my coffeeβ
The other astronaut replies βIn space no one can, here use creamβ
π︎ 282
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
π︎ 791
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Thought I heard someone say βHelloβ in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
All my hispanic friends love it when I say βmucho.β
π︎ 310
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I guess you could say I was destined to be a dermatologist.
Hello. I'm Dr. Lance Boyle.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I would say i live in africa but then id be lion
This one popped in my head out of nowhere.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
Two guys at a bar order drinks. The first says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "Yeah, I'll have some H2O too."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
People say I'm self centered...
But that's enough about them
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
I didn't say my ex-wife died,
I said I have a latex wife.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
π︎ 89
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and Iβm happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but Iβm holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I wouldnβt say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
People say I plagiarized my jokes
π︎ 111
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
Some say I have a sixth sense of humor
I only laugh at dead people
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
After extensive studying of terrorist suicide attackers I have to say...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
What did the mouse say when I hit it.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
People say Iβm like a broken record...
People say Iβm like a broken record...
People say Iβm like a broken record...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
My optometrist says that I have a screw loose.
But I just canβt see it.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow βdo you mind if I say a word?β
She said go ahead.
I stood up said βplethoraβ and sat back down.
βThank youβ, the grieving widow responded, βit means a lotβ
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
I don't want to say 2021...
...because it sounds like Twenty Twenty Won.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I'm always confused when I hear people say they pick their nose
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 180
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I don't trust what atoms say...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
My neighbor says Iβm trespassing. Iβm unsure if I am or not.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I like to say mucho when iβm talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
a lady goes to the doctor and says Iβm addicted to Twitter
the doctor says I donβt follow you
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
π︎ 39
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
π︎ 147
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
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