Did you hear Barnum & Bailey shut down?
They ran that place like a circus
my wife does 'sip and paint,' so I started 'bros, beers, and books'
our signature cocktail is "tequila mockingbird"
I grew up in the circus and me, my mom, dad and thirteen siblings were all clowns.
It didn’t pay much, but luckily we only needed one car
Yeah yeah yeah, the circus fire was in tents but did you hear the one about the giant who got super drunk and threw up?
Really, you didn't about that? It was all over town.
I took my boys to the traveling circus and told them to keep their focus on the biggest pole...
...because that's the center of a tent son.
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
Who can X-Men and circus performers call to lift their large vehicles?
DC and Warner Bros are creating a new Wonder Man movie
They even got a new actor to play the main role: Guy Gadot.
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
So Covid and homeschool overwhelmed, I need to schedule a reminder to drain their Mac & Cheese.
I had to create a Google Colander entry to remind me...
I just heard that Snap, Crackle & Pop, Tony the Tiger and Capn Crunch have all been killed.
Sounds like the work of a Cereal Killer.
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
What is the difference between a circus and a strip club?
The circus is filled with cunning stunts
I woke up and thought I was at the circus.
There was the big tent, in front of me.
What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
The tiger got loose at the circus and made it's first kill quick.
It went right for the juggler.
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.
It's paid fraternity leave.
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, “Beautiful hoar-frost!”
The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”
I went to the circus and saw a wet flying mammal performing stunts.
What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
One has a cunning array of stunts.
(Thanks, grandad)
I reread the story of Cain and Abel... the bastard murdered his bro!
He really rocked his world!
Me: Yo bro, can you tell me the chemical symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen?
I was playing Super Smash Bros with my friend yesterday and her dad overhears her mom call her ruthless.
Her: “I’m not ruthless”
Her dad: “Well your name isn’t Ruth so therefore you are ruthless”
An ice cream man was found unconscious in his van today, covered in chocolate sprinkles, hundreds and thousands, raspberry sauce, caramel & nuts.
Police believe he tried to top himself.
At the circus, we're high up and there's a midget clown doing his thing...
"They look so little from up here."
Shaking of heads all around with a few nods of approval.
The bro with the tribal tattoos that is blasting Nickleback and is vaping all the time, has an annoying voice.
But it's mostly his axe-scent.
Ever heard of the polar bear that lives on both north & south poles, is manic depressive and attracted to both sexes?
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
My fiancée called me last night and said she was on the sofa with Ben & Jerry.
Sounded like she enjoyed her ménage à froid.
Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it
'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.
Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''
Watching Finding Nemo with my dad and little bro when...
Setting: movie theater during the "fish are friends" scene; aka heavy talking
(Dad) psst
(Me) what
(Dad) where do fish go to have a drink
(Me) not able to hear dialogue Idc shhhh
(Dad) a can-tuna
(Me) goddammit
EDIT: Thanks for getting me to the frontpage of /r/dadjokes for a day! I'm glad you all benefitted from my pain!
My parents were in the Iron & Steel business. My mother irons and my father steals
I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.
It was a trip down memory lane.
I just accidentally superglued my thumb & index finger together, and at first I started to panic...
but then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house
I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding
also on r/jokes
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One is Coronavirus and the other is a Verona Crisis!
My parents were in the Iron & Steel business. My mother irons and my father steals
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