Red Skelton's eye exam

To build up my spirits he said, โ€œNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like Iโ€™ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.โ€

I said, โ€œLost an eye drinking coffee?โ€

He said, โ€œYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.โ€

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/

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Red Skelton on hang-gliding
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Red Skelton on excercise

From comedian and film star ย Red Skelton:

โ€œExercise? I get it on the golf course.

When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics. โ€

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Algy and the Bear

Algy and the Bear, a poem recited in Ziegfeld Follies by Red Skelton using his J. Newton Numbskull character:

>Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy!

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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Gertrude and Heathcliff see an airplane

Red Skelton: ย  Heathcliff and Gertrude are flying along when all of the sudden an airplane goes whizzing by .

Gertrude says to Heathcliff, ย€ยœGood heavens! Did you see how fast that bird was going? ย€ย

Heathcliff says, ย€ยœSo what? If your tail feathers were on fire, youโ€™d be going that fast too! ย€ย

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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What's your forte?

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: Iโ€™m a performer.

Red Skelton: Whatโ€™s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, Iโ€™m only 39.

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Willie Lump Lump and the Mongoose

Many years ago, ย Red Skelton ย told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.

Willie explained to the young lady, โ€œI keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. ย  That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so itโ€™s safe for me to enter the house.โ€

The young woman sadly tried to explain, โ€œIโ€™ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!โ€

Willie Lump Lump replied, โ€œIโ€™ve got news for ย you, so is the mongoose!โ€

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/

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Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, โ€œWe can get out of here.โ€

The other guy says, โ€œWe can?โ€

He says, โ€œYes.โ€

The other guy says, โ€œHow?โ€

The first guy says, โ€œIโ€™ve got a big flashlight. Tonight weโ€™ll come out to the wall, Iโ€™ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.โ€

The guy says, โ€œYou really think Iโ€™m nuts, donโ€™t you? I know what youโ€™d do! Iโ€™d get halfway up, youโ€™d shut it off!โ€

(Editorโ€™s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/two-guys-at-the-funny-farm/

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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