You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Just found out that 'Aaarrrgggghhh' isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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This is real lee getting out of hand
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3y0002
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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The public pool sector must be taking a real dive right now
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruzenu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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A real relationship
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luiiiis_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shane0clock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Why don’t the Golden Globe awards go to real people?

Because all the winners are paid actors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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We all know who's the real enemy of capitalism...

the lowercases ._.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Behold! Mike Pumpkence! Real fly included!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biffpow8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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What do you call someone who doesn't know if Xmas is real or not?

Egg-nogstic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heybuddy313
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What was Bruce Lee's real first name?

Nobody knows - he was always a Mister-Lee.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Real Dad Joke

I pulled this one on my adult son, who had ordered a bed, bed frame and mattress from Amazon, and was waiting for them to arrive....

Son: "I'm mad that it's taking my bed so long to arrive!"

Me: "You shouldn't take that lying down."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paul99501
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Hollywood isn’t real

They are all just payed actors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotKarprar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I keep reading about Real Madrid in the news,

I do hope they catch the Fake Madrid.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EotEaH
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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The real Curdle Buddies
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwasiuman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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A fat bee went to school. Created a real buzz when he got a B+

His average friend was nonplussed with a B, and his skinny friend would always be negative about her B-

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A real conversation between my brother and his wife + me

Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.

SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...

Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...

Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!

*ugly laughs from the couch

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/easolo23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I just read that times were real tough for musicians in the early 17th century...

They were all Baroque

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qwopcircles
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Did you know Hollywood awards shows aren't real?

It's just a bunch of paid actors and actresses in the audience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlydon11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Ever since I started working from home, I've realized that one of my coworkers is a real bitch...

But that's okay, I love working with my dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamyourcheese
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I just found out The Oscars aren’t real

The audience is full of paid actors.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Appreciation: I love this sub's jokes, but we all know the real dad jokes are the ones in the comments

I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.

Keep it up you silly gooses!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninthpower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZmentAdverti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Citrus got real!!
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappLegend
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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First time I’ve seen a real bobcat in the wild.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecatsofReddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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It’s too bad Bruce Wayne’s real name wasn’t Bruce bates

Then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I cannot stop eating leftover Thanksgiving. It's becoming a real problem.

I just need to quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Probably the real monster Eminem was talking about
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LBJM18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I just saw real a real idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/parasnohwar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Many people don't know young Pythagoras was a real hipster.

They're always going on about his square roots.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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It turns out that Ron's cameo had nothing to with the real plot of Fantastic Beasts.

It was quite a good red herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedNas07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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The real reason new cell phones break easy is because of gravity.

No phone back then was subject to multiple Gs and now we're up to 5G!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leebo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I started dating a communist and she’s a real psycho.

How did I miss all the red flags?

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Why is real estate so big in Sweden right now?

Because they have a good stock of homes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I don’t know whether you guys know this, but vampires aren’t real.

Unless you Count Dracula.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Real house cleaners aren’t just born their maid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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If heaven isn’t real, when I die I want to become a star.

It would be a great constellation prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Kid: Oh man dad, today's test at school was difficult. There was a test with like 99 problems on it -and one of those problems was a real bitch.

Dad: Well we know one thing. Your teacher is not Jay-z!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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It just went to 100 real quick
πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Vampires aren't real

Unless you Count Dracula

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_dan17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word.

I can’t tell you how angry I am at this.

πŸ‘︎ 301
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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just found out that "aarrrrrhhgggg" isn't a real word.

i can't tell you how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexGostiljac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Just found out that Aaaargghhh is not a real word.

Can’t tell you how angry I am at this.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My son asked me, β€œAre vampires real?”

I said, β€œNo, unless you Count Dracula.”

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I just found out that β€œAAARGHH” is not a real word

I can’t express how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Did you know vampires arent real?

Unless you Count Dracula

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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