Atheism is a non-prophet organization /r/oneliners/comments/z7d…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vrxy5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2022
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I found out my Maths teacher was a prophet today.

We completed a chapter in the book and he said "That's the end of times."

I wanted to know what he saw when he told us "It was time for division".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinnerkloof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
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If you don’t believe in religious visionaries, does that make you a not-for-prophet?

Since this is vital to my social welfare, maybe I could be a 501(c)(4)?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HiFiGuy197
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2022
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What do you get when you mix a prophet with an enemy of the state?

A cross

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caverypca
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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I only donate to atheist charities.

There non-prophet!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Far_Chemist9430
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2022
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A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a famous prophet who lived in the hills...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, with casts on both legs. "What do you want from me?" the prophet called out. The couple then realized the source of the foul smell... It was the old seers breath! "He must never brush his teeth," they both thought.

Undaunted, they replied, "oh wise prophet, we are newly married and were told that you could read our future!"

The prophet answered, "Oh yes. Just like my hands are rough and hard from my many years living on the land, and my legs are so weak that they've broken just by stepping into my hut, so shall your lives together be! Rough, hard, weak, and broken! Now be gone!"

With that, they returned to their hotel. The concierge asked them how their visit with the prophet was. They told him they were pretty dissapointed and felt like he wasn't all he was cracked up to be. The wife especially was unimpressed. "He was uncaring, weatherbeaten, weak, and his breath stunk too!!!"

The concierge answered...

"Well, I guess thats what you get from the SuperCallousedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehumantim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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My dad doesn’t use the internet so I must be the prophet who spreads the good word of bad jokes

We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.

Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending β€œdad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.

All the best jokes? They are headed your way!

Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full β€œdad” effect. He’s 72.

Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?

Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Queen_Of_Ashes_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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A man who speaks on God’s behalf is paid for his teachings.

It’s making him a Prophet.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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What was the name of the puppeteer's wife?

Annette.

Ever since he was a child, he always wanted to marionette

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dastari
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2022
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I tried creating a charity to support various atheist (or at least non-secular) community initiatives...

...it was to be a Not-for-Prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uglypaperhaver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2022
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I've started a new business where I am building Bible characters from Lego. First up, Isaiah. I hope to make a major prophet.
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Minor prophets and all that....
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dunadan37x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Why are christains who dont speak for god tax-exempt?

Because they’re non-prophet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ResonantDrop
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2022
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Atheism is a non prophet organization
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaziMen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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no prophets at all
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marv-in
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Isn't atheism a Non Prophet Organization?

Ba dump tsssss

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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The Knights of the Round Table

Sir Curity - King's head of guard

Sir Ender - King's military general

Sir Cumnavigate - King's navy admiral

Sir Veillance - King's spies

Sir Ching - King's scout

Sir Vival - King's best warrior

Sir Nister - King's executioner

Sir Bia - King's ambassador to Yugoslavia

Sir Spicious - King's inquistor

Sir V. Chewed - King's slave master

Sir Lancealot - King's diabetes nurse

Sir Cumcision - King's health inspector

Sir Inge - King's infectious disease expert

Sir Jun - King's doctor

Sir Iasis - King's dermatologist

Sir Rebralpalsy - King's disability advocate

Sir Loin - King's dinner chef

Sir Up - King's breakfast chef

Sir Hosis - King's vinter

Sir Taindeath - King's daredevil

Sir Real - King's storyteller

Sir Rendipty - King's fortune teller

Sir Cuss - King's jester

Sir Tenty - King's prophet

Sir Burbia - King's city planner

Sir Plus - King's organizer

Sir Prize - King's party planner

Sir Pen Tyne - King's amusement park planner

Sir Rebral - King's advisor

Sir Cumference - King's geometry teacher

Sir Mise - King's historian

Sir Kitbreaker - King's electrician

Sir Culation - King's news editor

Sir Roundsound - King's DJ

Sir Renity - King's therapist

Sir John General - King's tobacco farmer

Sir Veyer - King's castle builder

Sir Vant - King's gofer

Sir Fur - King's lifeguard

Sir Factant - King's cleaner

Sir Plant - King's son

Sir Tainly - King's yes man

Sir Cumspect - King's investor

Sir Charge - King's tax collector

Sir Mon - King's priest

Sir Pent - King's herpetologist

Sir Ogate - King's regent

Sir Cumvent - King's risk analyst

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2022
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β€˜Atheism is a non-prophet organization.’ - George Carlin
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redwitch-fr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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"I Lost My Job" Puns

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

  1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
  2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
  3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
  4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
  5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
  6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
  7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
  8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are β€œcremation” or β€œburial,” not β€œsmoking” or β€œnon-smoking.”
  9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
  10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
  11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
  12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
  13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
  14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
  15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
  16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
  17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
  18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
  19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
  20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
  21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
  22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
  23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
  24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
  25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
  26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
  27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
  28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
  29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
  30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
  31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
  32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
  33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dleishman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
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Did you know that Prophet Moses invented beer?

Hebrew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrQuester
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Non prophet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SQUIDDYYYYY
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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All of the local atheists decided to organize

They became a non-prophet organization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PokieState92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2022
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A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.

The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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With fewer & fewer people following religions

Prophets are down :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_willpower
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2022
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What was the name of the prophet?

Seymour

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I’ve started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines...

Prophets are going through the roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcEmarc1966
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2022
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What do u call a charity run by atheists?

A non-prophet organization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecyriousone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
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My dads friend today. If the pope isn't a Prophet...

Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agravon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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As less and less people are buying into religion, prophets are down.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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A financial analyst is a profit prophet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomtngs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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what does Jesus and Wal Mart have in common?

They both have great prophet ability.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freechugs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2022
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The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egdirdle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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I was researching about Atheism

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chill-turtle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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There's a nearby red giant star, and the people that lived around it are insectoid until their prophet Moses led them away to a system that's still inhabitable.

They're called the beetle jews.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onechordbassist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I met an atheist who worked for a charity

It was a non-prophet organization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostDovah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2022
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BREAKING: Iran has struck its own submarine with an underwater torpedo in the Persian Gulf, killing all 350 aboard

Whoops wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Atheism...

Would you call it a non-prophet organization?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malone76
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2021
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What is atheism?

A non-prophet organization

crickets chirp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sad-Conclusion442
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2022
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I guess one could call Atheism a non-prophet religion
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvonweezil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishyPanda360
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Atheism is a

Non-prophet organization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sk1pp1e
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albiedam
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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Atheism

Is A non-prophet organization

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rawr694200
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2022
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pri35t
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPonibo
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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