Propheteer Puns

We completed a chapter in the book and he said "That's the end of times."

I wanted to know what he saw when he told us "It was time for division".

Since this is vital to my social welfare, maybe I could be a 501(c)(4)?

A cross

There non-prophet!

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, with casts on both legs. "What do you want from me?" the prophet called out. The couple then realized the source of the foul smell... It was the old seers breath! "He must never brush his teeth," they both thought.

Undaunted, they replied, "oh wise prophet, we are newly married and were told that you could read our future!"

The prophet answered, "Oh yes. Just like my hands are rough and hard from my many years living on the land, and my legs are so weak that they've broken just by stepping into my hut, so shall your lives together be! Rough, hard, weak, and broken! Now be gone!"

With that, they returned to their hotel. The concierge asked them how their visit with the prophet was. They told him they were pretty dissapointed and felt like he wasn't all he was cracked up to be. The wife especially was unimpressed. "He was uncaring, weatherbeaten, weak, and his breath stunk too!!!"

The concierge answered...

"Well, I guess thats what you get from the SuperCallousedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis!"

We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.

Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending “dad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.

All the best jokes? They are headed your way!

Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full “dad” effect. He’s 72.

Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.

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the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad

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Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad

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Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?

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If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?

Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad

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Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!

It’s making him a Prophet.

Annette.

Ever since he was a child, he always wanted to marionette

...it was to be a Not-for-Prophet organization.

Because they’re non-prophet.

Ba dump tsssss

Sir Curity - King's head of guard

Sir Ender - King's military general

Sir Cumnavigate - King's navy admiral

Sir Veillance - King's spies

Sir Ching - King's scout

Sir Vival - King's best warrior

Sir Nister - King's executioner

Sir Bia - King's ambassador to Yugoslavia

Sir Spicious - King's inquistor

Sir V. Chewed - King's slave master

Sir Lancealot - King's diabetes nurse

Sir Cumcision - King's health inspector

Sir Inge - King's infectious disease expert

Sir Jun - King's doctor

Sir Iasis - King's dermatologist

Sir Rebralpalsy - King's disability advocate

Sir Loin - King's dinner chef

Sir Up - King's breakfast chef

Sir Hosis - King's vinter

Sir Taindeath - King's daredevil

Sir Real - King's storyteller

Sir Rendipty - King's fortune teller

Sir Cuss - King's jester

Sir Tenty - King's prophet

Sir Burbia - King's city planner

Sir Plus - King's organizer

Sir Prize - King's party planner

Sir Pen Tyne - King's amusement park planner

Sir Rebral - King's advisor

Sir Cumference - King's geometry teacher

Sir Mise - King's historian

Sir Kitbreaker - King's electrician

Sir Culation - King's news editor

Sir Roundsound - King's DJ

Sir Renity - King's therapist

Sir John General - King's tobacco farmer

Sir Veyer - King's castle builder

Sir Vant - King's gofer

Sir Fur - King's lifeguard

Sir Factant - King's cleaner

Sir Plant - King's son

Sir Tainly - King's yes man

Sir Cumspect - King's investor

Sir Charge - King's tax collector

Sir Mon - King's priest

Sir Pent - King's herpetologist

Sir Ogate - King's regent

Sir Cumvent - King's risk analyst

My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!

1. I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
2. I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
3. I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
4. I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
5. I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
6. I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
7. I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
8. I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
9. I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
10. I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
11. I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
12. I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
13. I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
14. I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
15. I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
16. I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
17. I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
18. I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
19. I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
20. I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
21. I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
22. I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
23. I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
24. I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
25. I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
26. I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
27. I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
28. I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
29. I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
30. I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
31. I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
32. I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
33. I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit

Hebrew

They became a non-prophet organization

The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."

Prophets are down :(

Seymour

Prophets are going through the roof.

A non-prophet organization.

Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization!

They both have great prophet ability.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization

They're called the beetle jews.

It was a non-prophet organization

Whoops wrong sub

Would you call it a non-prophet organization?

A non-prophet organization

crickets chirp

Non-prophet organization

Is A non-prophet organization