What do you call a coconut tree with a badly drawn portrait of a person on it?
^(idk if this counts or not.. This was told to me by a customer) "For 50 years of being married, me and the lady only had ONE fight...
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
A man was fired because he refused his company’s obligation of going out on the town with the other guys.
If only he had fulfilled their man-date, he could have kept his job!
It’s been a few years now since the tragic fire that burned down part of the Cathedral of Norte Dame...
Authorities still haven’t determined how the fire started,but they say one of the residents of the Cathedral has a hunch.
A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".
What do you call a Gay person on fire?
Three slightly deaf old ladies sat on a park bench enjoying life.
First lady says isnt it windy.
Second lady says no i think its thursday
Third lady says so am i lets have a cup of tea.
What do you call a firefighter who can identify different type of fires?
Two Inuit hunters were paddling their kayak across the lake. They started to feel cold, so they lit a fire in their kayak, but then the kayak caught fire and sank. What is the moral of the story?
You cannot have your kayak and heat it too.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Three older ladies where sitting on a park bench
A man comes over and opens his long coat and flashes them!
Two of them had a stroke
The third couldn't reach
Ladies, a good sense of humor is key when dating.
If he can’t appreciate your fruit puns, you may need to let the mango…
A friend of mine just got fired from the fair for no good reason so
Hes taking them to tribunal for fun fair dismissal.
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!
(Mj)
One day, Superman was flying and he started to feel cold, so he lit a fire on his cape to keep warm, but it burned to a crisp.
The man of steel learned the hard way that you can't have your cape and heat it, too.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,
"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."
What do you call the opposite of a lady’s finger?
I was going on a date with a Russian lady
At breakfast, my dad put a pineapple and a banana on the table and said, 'You have two options of fruits today -
My kid's uncle gave him an expensive t-shirt with an image of a koala bear smoking a joint on it. I thought it was really inappropriate, but I have to admit
that it's a high koala t-shirt.
I bought myself a 6ft long Boomerang with Characters from 'Lord of the Rings' on it.
It's really hard to Frodo.
My wife asked me “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate me?” I told her 11
On a pH scale because she’s basic as hell.
What do you call a fire floating on water?
I was playing a round of paintball, and told my teammates to fire at will.
My bad, turns out Will was on our team too.
What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
"I Lost My Job" Puns
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
...
keep reading on reddit ➡
Everyone gets the day off on the 4th of July. But not fire.
I had a little fling with a lady I had recently met, and I couldn’t help but notice something interesting on her bedside table. It was a support structure that helped keep a little armor-clad action figure standing upright.
I guess it was my one-night stand’s nightstand’s knight stand.
There's been a lot of things that I disagree with on this subreddit so I'm going to write it an open letter.
I have seen a lot of NSFW jokes on this sub recently. If you can't tell a joke to your kids, it's not a "dad joke" it's just a pun.
They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!
Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<
>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<
>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<
Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.
A friend of mine has a date, but no suitable clothes to wear. On his body I'm drawing a black suit and black tie just as well as I can.
Cause every girl crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.
A man recently pulled up to a gas station and started to pump gas while still holding his lit cigarette. The fuel nozzle's shutoff switch failed to engage when his tank was full & fuel shot out on to the man's arm. The fuel immediately caught fire. A cop that was driving by stopped and shot the guy
Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick on accident
She still won't talk to me
I went on a trip to see the world's largest pair of glasses.
I am so proud of myself for seeing my name used in a book sold on the shelves.
It's a phone book, but I'm still very proud of it.
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
What do you call it when a lady of the night farts?
If the inside of a fire hydrant is H2O, what's on the outside?
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?
If there is H20 inside a fire hydrant what is on the outside?
If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
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