Whenever I see a mime performing on the street, I always make sure I put my hand in my pocket and throw in some invisible money.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Did the laundry today and forgot my wallet in my pants pocket. Now im facing money laundering charges...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodney54
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I ran for an hour today and lost one pound!

Maybe I should take the money out of my pockets next time.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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I groaned to say the least

So I have this habit of not taking my money out of my pockets before I put it in the laundry machine. Yesterday my dad came into my room holding a couple of dollars he had found in there. Dad: "You could get into big trouble for this you know...Money laundering is illegal"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoapMyPotato
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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My brother's first son isn't due for another week, but he's starting the dad jokes early.

My sister-in-law, washing clothes: Babe, I think you left a twenty in your pocket.

My brother, soon-to-be-dad: Oh my god, I'm a money launderer! I don't want to go to jail!

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingerfer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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My dad buying a coffee

He bought his coffee and paid with a Β£10 note and got his change which included a new Β£5 note which is plastic and still fairly uncommon. The woman serving said:

"This is the first time I've seen these, see cause it's plastic do you think you could leave it in your pocket and wash it and it would be ok?"

"You can't do that, it's illegal."

"How's it illegal?"

"It's money laundering" he said with a sly grin.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottwalker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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When paying a restaurant bill using credit card...
  • Wait until they bring the credit card machine thing over.

  • Keep card in wallet.

  • Put machine to ear.

  • "Hello? Hello?? It's for you..."

  • Hand 'phone' to waiter.

  • Watch everyone groan/reach into pockets for extra tip money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermacheath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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Awful form dad...

My Dad has thrown me some pretty good/bad dad jokes in his time... but yesterday he sat me down on the couch and started telling me about a frog who couldn't get a loan from the bank. He looked really concerned and it went something like this...

"... so this frog really just wants a loan, and decides to try one last time. He walks up to the teller, a Mrs Patricia Wak. P.W: Hello sir what can I do for you? F: I'm just after a $30,000 loan. Can you help P.W: Wow, that's a really large loan. What collateral do you have? F: Just this little toy elephant (pulls out from pocket) P.W: I'm afraid that's not going to secure the loan, sir. Do you have anything else? F: No P.W: Well them I'm afraid we can't help you

And the frog starts to well up and cry, he starts howling inconsolably and is an absolute mess F: You don't understand! I need this loan! Please, my name is Froggy Jagger. I come from a long line of Jaggers, my father Mick is good for the money now please help me! P.W: I'm sorry but a little toy elephant is never going to secure you... F: I want to see a manager!!

So Patricia Wak goes and gets her manager, and the frog tells the man about his need for a $30,000 loan. The manager agrees and pulls Patricia aside to explain why...

P.W: I don't understand this guy, what's the deal with the little elephant? M: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!

Dad then proceeded to slap his knee and laugh wildly while I stood up and walked away.

(I think this joke makes a lot more sense if you're an Australian...)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siqsadworld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
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