Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.
A deck of carbs.
A canon canon cannon
It was a tie
I think knot.
I shit you knot
A club sandwich
Hailey
But you never hear about them restarting one.
Bullsheet.Yeah it’s really bad I know.
Just take a little bit off the chop.
A Roll Model.
A posthumorous award
A chipmunk
Police are grilling it now.
A mistake
Kernel
Board
As I walked around the Transplant Ward.
banana for scale
An Edgar Alan Doe
Not sure if this is mine or I read it somewhere, it is in my notes of when I wanted to 'Become a Comedian'. Either way, found it amusing.
Yeah it’s the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean
A shoe case
Compliments to my 5 year old girl
“Eh, it’s not tear-able”
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
It’ll soon be crackling
Then she ripped it in half and said, “Never mind, it’s tearable.”
I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.
You tell it that it's toast.
A chicken sees a salad.
A uni-corn.
Butter, then nothing
It was bread in captivity
A misteak
Baby on Board
A toastadaaaa!
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Mouse2, "Yeah"
Mouse1,"Its to die for."
A flier.
Hey guys, new to posting to the sub, just wanted to get some information on what is allowed and if there is an option to base an event.
I've never seen an image posted on Dad Jokes so I am just going to assume there is no image posting allowed in the sub.
If that is the case I just wanted to float out the idea of allowing images to be posted during the week of Halloween. There are a ton of great dad jokes embodied in creative costumes and since that fits the spirit of the sub, maybe an event can be created to exchange those jokes during a set time frame. Feedback or a direction to something I'm looking for would be much appreciated.
I hate to spoil my costume but to get an example of what to look for (mine is by no means anything special) I will give you the general idea. It will be 3 pieces in regular attire. A plastic sword, a fancy collar, and a balaclava made out of "invisible" material ;). I am going as the headless horsemen.
a Breadneck
It's Gorgonzilla!
A deck of carbs.
A canon canon cannon
A deck of carbs!
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
It always tastes like paper.
They will give you a piece of your mind.
A bass turd.
I see/saw sea saw on a seesaw, with an icy saw
