Pittsburgh Penguins player Phil Kessel dadjoked the media. (x-post /r/hockey)

https://twitter.com/penguins/status/643509078795395072

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sumofparticles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a ditch?

Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JEMstone85
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Chinese camera man?

Phil Ming.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dude with no arms and no legs who...

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJknox09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Phil loves to help people

He visits ant infested houses, kills all the ants for free with the condition of keeping dead ants' heads to himself.

He is a Phil-ant-trophist.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mv041
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay so two whales walk into a bar. One whale goes β€œARRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO” (whale sound)

The other one goes β€œShut up Phil you’re drunk”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Woofer-of-Wisdom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy John gave his size 13 boots to his little brother, Phil. Problem is, Phil wears size 9.

John left large shoes to Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lameguy13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy

I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Haas19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the creator of flex tape run in?

Flex shoes; they make him go Phil Swift!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is Ronald McDonald's favorite musician?

Phil A. of Phish

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Phil wore my dad's footwear yesterday

but his Shoes were too big to phil

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cmbhatt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall...

Art.

Two guys with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall? Curt n Rod.

No arms and no legs in a bathtub? Dwayne.

No arms and no legs at your front door? Mat

No arms and no legs and playing in the leaves? Russell

At the city dump? Phil

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the groundhog donate so much to charity?

He was Phil-anthropist.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy named Phil.

I once had a friend named Phil who would put extra salt on his noodles. He died of high cholesterol.

Can I get a Ramen?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThayPastaGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So I told my dad I needed a new computer mic

He then said, β€œwhat about a computer bob or a computer Phil? How about a computer dan?”

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeSpeedBump
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
No arms, no legs, all lame

My dad tells these old jokes all the time and acts like it's the first time we've ever heard them each time. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the lake? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under the car? Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall? Art What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the mail? Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the doorstep? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in stage? Mike And his personal favorite... What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs above the window? Curt n' Rod

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
*At Dinner Table* "Dad, I'm full"

"Nice to meet you full, I'm Phil"

Edit: Sorry if this has been posted before, my dad used to do this all the time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zac_george
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who pours lots of drinks?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimbobobaboBob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident...

Now we call him Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCEWaffles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked at Checkout

I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked "do you want your milk in a bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in!"

Dad's wife: "Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk."

Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 364
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jreppa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me what kind of screwdriver I needed

I told her Phillips head, but to give it back to Phil when I'm finished

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yabkuulzzl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
There’s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, β€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. β€œHi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. β€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. β€œYou seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. β€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. β€œOk, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, β€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. β€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. β€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyyThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arm or legs in a whole in the ground?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yettyfrommanetty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Who does Oprah go to when she wants to score some drugs?

Dr. Phil Good.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gnosticpopsicle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a men with no arms or legs?

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pond? A: Bob

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs under a car? A: Jack

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your mailbox? A: Bill

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall? A: Art

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot? A: Stu

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs sitting on a grill? A: Frank

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? A: Rustle

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pot hole? A: Phil

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a hole? A: Doug

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at the bottom of a not as deep hole? A: Douglas

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door? A: Matt

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor at a barbershop? A: Harry

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that works at a brewery? A: Bud

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs water-skiing? A: Skip

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhinobird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped in water?

Damn it

  • Phil Dunphy (Modern Family - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook)
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evr487
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
🚨︎ report
So there's this abusive boss at my Dad's work, right...

And he's not letting anyone go home at reasonable hours or take leave until the big project's . He's been working early mornings and late nights . It's been going on for weeks. they're all tired and homesick. I haven't had a meal with him at home all month which really sucks because he was a great laugh at dinner time. Even when I do see him he's too overworked to even think straight.

Anyway, yesterday Phil, one of his workmates had a brilliant plan.

He turned to my Dad and said to him; "I've had enough of this crap, I'm going home and calling in sick for the next couple of days!"

My dad is amazed. "Phil!" he says, "You can't do that - you'll get sacked!"

"Don't worry, mate," says Phil, "I've got it all worked out." tapping his nose. Out of the blue he reaches up and grabs the ceiling fan (It was off) and hangs upside down from it. My dad has no idea what's going on and tries to ask him, but Phil doesn't answer.

Eventually the boss walks in and asks "Phil - what the Hell are you doing?"

"I'm a lightbulb." replies Phil.

The boss is surprised and realises the guy needs to go home and sends him off for a couple of days. All of a sudden my Dad gets up too and walks away.

"What do you think you're doing?" says the boss.

"You don't expect me to work in the Dark do you?" replies my Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toggle2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
🚨︎ report
My Dad's "book titles"...

I have so, so many...

"The Road Is Shut" by Elaine Closed. "I'm Outta Gas" by Phil McCarup "How To Tie Shoelaces" by Ben Doon "A Cliff Edge" by Eileen Dover "A Book Of Churches" by Cath Headrall "I've Eaten Too Much!" by Buster Gutt "A Book On Soft Cheeses" by Phil Adelphia

And finally, "A Book On Domestic Pets" by Rabi Tuch... (...Rabituch...) (Rabbit hutch)

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amysplat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
The Legend of Phillip Turr

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report
At a sunglass store...

My dad is looking a get a refill on his cleaning spray, he holds up his sprayer to get the attention of the employee. She says: "Fill?"

My dad responds with: "My name is Rob, but you can call me Phil."

Laughs all around.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xTails0328x
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Listening to music while dad's in the other room

Listening to "In the air tonight",

From the other room, in perfect timing, yells out:

"I CAN PHIL IT, COLLINS IN THE AIR TONIGHT"

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electroavenue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
🚨︎ report
dadjoke lifted from an episode of modern family

A favourite of mine from the show Modern Family that I laugh to myself about everytime I am packing leftovers.

Claire: How do the containers and lids get separated? Phil: Built-up resentment ... money issues ... met a younger lid.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Phil Dunphy...

β€œYou only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child because it’s easy to do. β€˜Save the giblets’”

β€” Phil Dunphy

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weymoa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
🚨︎ report
The Worst Chauffeur

I work dispatch for an executive transportation company. The owner's name Is Matt. While talking to one of the chauffeurs, Matt's name prompted this.

You know what they call a guy with no arms, no legs and is lying next to a door? Matt.

He continues... Same guy is sitting in a pothole, what do you call him? Phil. And if he's in the swimming pool, we call him Bob. Put him up on the wall and his name is Art. Hang two of him on the wall and we call them Kurt and Rod!

I couldn't bring myself to respond. It was too brilliant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pearberr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
It was a good one. He cracked himself up

So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?

Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.

Mom: Really? What for?

Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.

My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.

Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
🚨︎ report
All hail the king.

His Royal Highness, the Prince of Puns, the Duke of Dadjokes, King Phil of Dumphy. http://imgur.com/lrjFHzz

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bishslap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
🚨︎ report
First thing he says to me when I arrived for the holidays....

"You know, I just got over my Phil Collins addiction. So take a look at me now."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tttruckit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
🚨︎ report
An infomercial hosted by a guy named Phil Swift came on, and my buddy says...

"Watch out for Phil Swift, he'll pull a fast one on you."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradlomac
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2014
🚨︎ report
It's a family tradition to watch Jingle All The Way every year....

Me: "Is Phil Hartman the one who was killed by his wife?"
Mom: "Yup."
Dad: "Shot him right in the heart, man."
Mom (genuinely): "Did she really?"

my sister, dad, and I just started cracking up.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spud641
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
This is very punny πŸ˜‚

What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beerpong1010
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hole?

Phil or was it Doug?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trenton00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a hole?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulOfTheWall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.