A list of puns related to "The Tonight Show"
I heard he's a real stand-up kinda guy!
I was baffled at everyone ignoring the elephant that's the room.
Sitting on the couch watching The Bachelor with my gf (hate the show but I spend most of the time reddit-ing). She starts talking about how the guy makes out with so many different girls and goes "He even has sex with one of them when they go camping." I responded with "Wow that's fucking in-tents." So I might be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Watching 'Operation Ouch' on Cbbc tonight with wife and kids. Someone called Dr. Ann Kerr appears on the show at some point. I couldn't help it, I said "I know her, she used to work in the Port of Dover". Kids didn't register. Murderous look from my wife. Have now put away all sharp objects just to be on the safe side.
A conversation between my wife and me on the way home from a concert:
Why is this so hard?
His car crashes into a tree, and he escapes unhurt though his car is badly damaged. However, he needs to find somewhere to stay overnight. The man wanders alnog the road until he comes across a monastery. He knocks on the door, and a friendly monk answers.
Man: I've crashed my car and need a place to stay tonight, might I have one of your rooms?
Monk: of course, come right this way.
The monk shows the man to a room, and the man goes to sleep. At midnight, the man is awoken by a loud thumping on the ceiling. He thinks nothing of it and goes to bed, sleeping soundly the rest of the night.
The next day at breakfast he asks one of the monks about the thumping. The monk replies,"sorry, I can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man figures that that's a pretty fair response, and goes to try and fix his car.
After working on the car all day, the man returns to the monastery and asks to stay another night. The monks of course oblige, and the man goes back to the same room. This night, he is awakened by the same thumping, this time even louder. He wonders about it and eventually drifts off to sleep.
The next day, the man continues to work on the car, and needs to stay just one more night to complete it. The monks are happy to give him a room, but the man asks to me moved to a different room so he won't hear the thumping. The man goes to bed but is awakened by even louder thumping.
He decides to go investigate, and climbs the stairs, only to find a locked iron door, with the thumping coming from behind it. Unsatisfied, he goes back to bed.
The next morning, he asks the lead monk about the thumping. The lead monk replies,"sorry, can't tell you you aren't a monk". The man, filled with curiosity, asks the leader how to become a monk. The leader gives him 3 tasks: the first, to circumnavigate the globe, to learn about culture, the second task, to cut an entire field with scissors to learn patience, and the third, to memorize the entire monk book, to learn discipline.
The man completes all the tasks, and the leader takes him up to the iron door and pulls out a key. He opens the door to reveal the Monk's greatest secret.
If you're wondering what it is, I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you aren't a monk.
We used to watch The Simpsons every night, and the conversation about 10 minutes before the show would start went like this
Me: "What's The Simpsons about tonight?"
Dad: "About half an hour"
Eventually, and I'm talking years, I started to remember to phrase it differently instead of just asking what I instinctively would, but he never missed a beat
Me: "Which episode is coming on tonight?"
Dad: "The one that's about half an hour"
We were sitting on the couch, watching the news. The station my parents watch ends every broadcast with a nice picture someone sent in/whatever of part of the country (Canada.) The newscaster always says, "tonight's 'your Canada' is so-and-so."
So that part rolls around and she says, "Tonight's your Canada is so-and-so, Newfoundland and Labrador."
I turn to my old man and say, "How can they say it's Newfoundland and labrador if they're only showing one picture?"
He did not manage to hold back the chuckle.
She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.
Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"
Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."
I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.
Got my daughter good tonight. We went to the pet store to get cat treats. She was looking around and saw a few parakeets.
I said, "You do know that when you have one it's a 'keet'. If you get two, it's a 'parakeets'!".
Thank you. Thank you very much. Shows at 8 and 10. Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.
So this past month my grandfather taught me how to make spinning wooden tops, and sent me home to come up with designs for them. This week I came up with some cool designs and I decided to show them to my parents tonight.
My dad had this to say:
Dad (looking at the tops): You know you are going to have to take these with you everywhere, right?
Me: why?
Dad: Because no daughter of mine is going to be going around topless.
She told me she was going to the ABBA show tonight
And I told her to h'ABBA good time.
My folks own a bar with a banquet area and Louie Anderson is performing tonight. My Dad is going to open the show with one joke that he is really excited about.
Picture him standing at the mic in a empty banquet hall, I'm standing in the middle of the room as he is "testing" the joke on me.
"A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks "Where's the bar tender?""
...
I'm going to try and get this on video tonight.
Watching the Olympics tonight and I had a perfect opportunity.
TV shows the outside of the figure skating arena.
Wife: that building is soo cool.
Me: that is how they keep the ice in skating condition after all.
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