Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.
A hac-stir
So proud
Let that sink in.
You could do that too if you had 100 feet.
People are really impressed when they learn I hit the Jim twice per day.
I have a thank less job.
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful, dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how..." The farmer replied "Yeah, he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
Because we don't allow cat calling in the workplace.
^^^^per ^^^^SOP ^^^^364.25.1 ^^^^"Sexual ^^^^Harhissment, ^^^^definitions ^^^^of"
So guy comes up to me and says How low will it go So i says About 5km per hour Anything under that and she’ll fall over
He thought it was a 4 per son meal
Not a dadjoke per se, but I enjoyed it. He (12 since conception) didn't get it at first, but after further realization...didn't think it was funny. (Neither did the wife, btw)
Niece: are you going to sleep? Me: no Niece: then why are you wearing slee-pers (slippers)? starts laughing
Puns for Educated Minds ...
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Me: I can type 150 words per minute.
Interviewer: Wow! And what are your weaknesses?
Me: Every word is 'a'.
The pay per see.
It goes 100 feet per second.
Staples. Otherwise you'd have to pay-per clip
No exaggeration, I see the 50 Cent joke multiple times per day. The point of this sub isn't to replicate the real-life experience of my dad telling the same joke every chance he gets, it's for telling awful, cheesy one-liners. Please put just a little more effort into your posts - it does not take that long to search the sub to see if a joke has already been told.
And, to be clear - yes, I do downvote reposts, and yes, I do report them for being reposts. I am tired of doing it over and over for the exact same joke.
He’s a pro-to-type.
...so that’s just being hippocritical...
Not a "joke" per say but a good tongue twister my dad taught me when I was a boy and always got a good laugh! Try it 5 times fast!
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
And they all felt smart together!
are the pie rates of the Caribbean
It takes one bit per bite.
Soo they don't get two attached
Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
Just 10p per litre
Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.
Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.
Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.
Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...
Take my glove
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still three
You can't take this Skye from me
...I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him. The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)
No weight, that doesn't make any cents...
“I’m a Watt?”
Not a joke per se, but every Father's Day my brother remakes his kids sit and listen to 30 minutes of dad jokes
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
It was on pay-per-view.
Bit of a scam though,
Both teams folded.
Because they don't wanna pay-per-towel!
you are probably aiming too high.”
Because she was a fast mother clucker!!
It's Rhode Island.
Tentacles
